bleeding life away

what are you doing with your life?

you know...that is an amazing -> but hard question to answer. for example, at this particular moment, i have absolutely no idea what i am doing with my life. that's the hardcore truth [hardcore: sera's favorite word =].

i'm trying to figure it out, honestly. or at least trying to find something that makes my life worth living. & that sounds all emo and stuff, doesn't it? "life worth living." but it's true. what makes life worth living? if all you do every day is get up. breathe. get dressed. go to school. fill your brain with "knowledge." catch the bus. go home. "spend time" with "the family". facebook [of course]. eat dinner. do homework. sleep time. and do it all over again, day after day after day after FUCKING DAY. and as for "extra-curriculars"? are those the things that teenagers add to their lives that honestly DEFINE their so-called "lives".

what does it mean to say "i have a life."?? what the fuck does it mean? i guess if "extra-curriculars" or at least "hanging out with friends" it what makes or breaks you -- life-wise. socially. fundamentally. etc. then i'm in a shithole of a rut. saying that your parents are "ruining your life" is all cliched and stuff right? just the typical words of the "selfish, rude, disrespectful, angsty, ungrateful teenager." right?

WRONG.

i may be alot of those things. those "typical" things. but i'm legit. my crises are legit. my seach for some sort of point or meaning to my life is FUCKING LEGIT and i don't give a shit about any "adult" who tells me otherwise and that i should just be "grateful" and that i should make my family my life. i'm sick of all the things that get in the way. all the obstacles that they put there that they make -- and everything that has happened that juts leads to the same end result. me alone. upstairs. in these rooms. bleeding my life away. through my eyes.

my life is just that. MY life. MINE. & yet i'm living in this hell with 2 puppet masters pulling my strings. day after day after day after day.

will it get better?
naive me: keep the hope alive! REAL
REAL me: no. & you're a fucking retard for everything thinking it would. it always ends the same.

I run to you
(And run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(Giving up, giving in)
I see you there
(Still you are)
Farther away
I'm numb to you - numb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air at night
Not you, not love, just nothing
I run to you
(And run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(Giving up, giving in)
I see you there
(Still you are)
Farther away
Try to forget you
But without you
I feel nothing
Don't leave me here, by myself
I can't breathe
I run to you
(And run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(Giving up, giving in)
I see you there
(Still you are)
Farther away
I run to you
(And run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(Giving up, giving in)
I see you there
(Still you are)
Farther away
Farther away, farther away, farther away, farther away, farther away......
-Evanescence <3


my greatest fear is that this is meant to be my default. i always come back to this. like this. hate this.

"i'll never defeat this hunger, buring deep inside of me."

can you break something that wasn't whole to begin with?

i think you can.

over and over and over again. watching and laughing at it's pain. it's suffering. it's screams. it's pleas. watching the life drain from it's eyes. slowly. drawn out. slowly. drawn out. it's always better. making the agony last. until there's nothing left. but dust. and ashes. and destruction. and a shadow. the shell of a once great, once strong, once beautiful....thing. --any yet. it was only a thing.


--part 2 of her bleeding life.

i'm probably going to regret this tomorrow. the not sleeping thing. this weekend was pretty good - in terms of amout of sleep. but my eyes are still red. come night. maybe i'm just supposed to always look like i cried myself to sleep. well. isn't that shh-nazzzyyy. ha.

"when you lose someone, it stays with you. always reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt."

ya about that....you kno what? i don't really want to talk about what i've "lost." or whom. or my "relationships". fuck that shit. i would rather....convert it....into.....literary BA shit. lmao. ahhhyeeeeaaaahh. ;) i like that. okay. i'm gonna go start my new story. this will be my "extracurricular" for the time being :) [[4-5:30 todos los dias. remember i said that. haha]]

adios.
be back either tonight or tomorrow after skool.
since i will be NOT going to cheer practice.
since my mother is not letting me join the squad.
because......in a nutshell. nothing ever changes. people don't change. and sometimes you're life is just meant to be shitty. and there's nothing you can do about it. but try not to depress other people = be someone your not. and smile. and laugh. and live one day at a time. on temporary highs.

oh yes. i'm livin The Life, bitch. don't worry tho. i'll make it out alive. or die trying. ;)

Out on your own
Cold and alone again
Can this be what you really wanted, baby?
Blame it on me
Set your guilt free
Nothing can hold you back now
Now that you're gone
I feel like myself again
Grieving the things I can't repair and willing
To let you blame it on me
And set your guilt free
I don't want to hold you back now, love

I can't change who I am

Not this time
I won't lie to keep you near me
And in this short life
there's no time to waste on giving up
My love wasn't enough
And you can blame it on me
Just set your guilt free, honey
I don't want to hold you back now, love

<3 Evanescence/Lacrymosa. :)