what are you doing with your life?
you know...that is an amazing -> but hard question to answer. for example, at this particular moment, i have absolutely no idea what i am doing with my life. that's the hardcore truth [hardcore: sera's favorite word =].
i'm trying to figure it out, honestly. or at least trying to find something that makes my life worth living. & that sounds all emo and stuff, doesn't it? "life worth living." but it's true. what makes life worth living? if all you do every day is get up. breathe. get dressed. go to school. fill your brain with "knowledge." catch the bus. go home. "spend time" with "the family". facebook [of course]. eat dinner. do homework. sleep time. and do it all over again, day after day after day after FUCKING DAY. and as for "extra-curriculars"? are those the things that teenagers add to their lives that honestly DEFINE their so-called "lives".
what does it mean to say "i have a life."?? what the fuck does it mean? i guess if "extra-curriculars" or at least "hanging out with friends" it what makes or breaks you -- life-wise. socially. fundamentally. etc. then i'm in a shithole of a rut. saying that your parents are "ruining your life" is all cliched and stuff right? just the typical words of the "selfish, rude, disrespectful, angsty, ungrateful teenager." right?
WRONG.
i may be alot of those things. those "typical" things. but i'm legit. my crises are legit. my seach for some sort of point or meaning to my life is FUCKING LEGIT and i don't give a shit about any "adult" who tells me otherwise and that i should just be "grateful" and that i should make my family my life. i'm sick of all the things that get in the way. all the obstacles that they put there that they make -- and everything that has happened that juts leads to the same end result. me alone. upstairs. in these rooms. bleeding my life away. through my eyes.
my life is just that. MY life. MINE. & yet i'm living in this hell with 2 puppet masters pulling my strings. day after day after day after day.
will it get better?
naive me: keep the hope alive! REAL
REAL me: no. & you're a fucking retard for everything thinking it would. it always ends the same.
I run to you
(And run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(Giving up, giving in)
I see you there
(Still you are)
Farther away
I'm numb to you - numb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air at night
Not you, not love, just nothing
I run to you
(And run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(Giving up, giving in)
I see you there
(Still you are)
Farther away
Try to forget you
But without you
I feel nothing
Don't leave me here, by myself
I can't breathe
I run to you
(And run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(Giving up, giving in)
I see you there
(Still you are)
Farther away
I run to you
(And run away from this hell)
Call out your name
(Giving up, giving in)
I see you there
(Still you are)
Farther away
Farther away, farther away, farther away, farther away, farther away......
-Evanescence <3
my greatest fear is that this is meant to be my default. i always come back to this. like this. hate this.
"i'll never defeat this hunger, buring deep inside of me."
can you break something that wasn't whole to begin with?
i think you can.
over and over and over again. watching and laughing at it's pain. it's suffering. it's screams. it's pleas. watching the life drain from it's eyes. slowly. drawn out. slowly. drawn out. it's always better. making the agony last. until there's nothing left. but dust. and ashes. and destruction. and a shadow. the shell of a once great, once strong, once beautiful....thing. --any yet. it was only a thing.
--part 2 of her bleeding life.
i'm probably going to regret this tomorrow. the not sleeping thing. this weekend was pretty good - in terms of amout of sleep. but my eyes are still red. come night. maybe i'm just supposed to always look like i cried myself to sleep. well. isn't that shh-nazzzyyy. ha.
"when you lose someone, it stays with you. always reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt."
ya about that....you kno what? i don't really want to talk about what i've "lost." or whom. or my "relationships". fuck that shit. i would rather....convert it....into.....literary BA shit. lmao. ahhhyeeeeaaaahh. ;) i like that. okay. i'm gonna go start my new story. this will be my "extracurricular" for the time being :) [[4-5:30 todos los dias. remember i said that. haha]]
adios.
be back either tonight or tomorrow after skool.
since i will be NOT going to cheer practice.
since my mother is not letting me join the squad.
because......in a nutshell. nothing ever changes. people don't change. and sometimes you're life is just meant to be shitty. and there's nothing you can do about it. but try not to depress other people = be someone your not. and smile. and laugh. and live one day at a time. on temporary highs.
oh yes. i'm livin The Life, bitch. don't worry tho. i'll make it out alive. or die trying. ;)
Out on your own
Cold and alone again
Can this be what you really wanted, baby?
Blame it on me
Set your guilt free
Nothing can hold you back now
Now that you're gone
I feel like myself again
Grieving the things I can't repair and willing
To let you blame it on me
And set your guilt free
I don't want to hold you back now, love
I can't change who I am
Not this time
I won't lie to keep you near me
And in this short life
there's no time to waste on giving up
My love wasn't enough
And you can blame it on me
Just set your guilt free, honey
I don't want to hold you back now, love
<3 Evanescence/Lacrymosa. :)
Monday, November 2, 2009
sweet raptured life... [[part 1]]
"Listening to sweet music in a perfect rapture."- Charles Dickens
Suffering is caused by desire. The cessation of desire means the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did…Memories fall apart, too. And then you’re left with nothing, left with not even a ghost but with its shadow. In the beginning, she had haunted me, haunted my dreams, but even now, just weeks later, she was slipping away, falling apart in my memory and everyone else’s, dying again. ~ Miles Halter {Looking For Alaska}
--every sunday this happens. it's like i'm doomed to default at the end of every single goddamn week and all the good ends up meaning absolutely nothing. i'm back where i started. bleeding it out...thru my eyes...and falling...and falling...and falling...and falling.
--Lacrymosa/Evanescence is the absolutely most beautiful song i've heard in a longgggg time. it's so peacefully painfully tortured soul-y haha i love it.
--i just needed to write tonight. it's not like i'm doing anything more important. actually i had this ENTIRE weekend to write, but i just...didn't for some reason. even though i had no homework...i'm not sure. i confuse myself. almost as much as other people confuse me. almost.
heyy i'm gonna post my awesome intense short story now! really. it's riviting. k hold on. :]
Suffering is caused by desire. The cessation of desire means the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did…Memories fall apart, too. And then you’re left with nothing, left with not even a ghost but with its shadow. In the beginning, she had haunted me, haunted my dreams, but even now, just weeks later, she was slipping away, falling apart in my memory and everyone else’s, dying again. ~ Miles Halter {Looking For Alaska}
--every sunday this happens. it's like i'm doomed to default at the end of every single goddamn week and all the good ends up meaning absolutely nothing. i'm back where i started. bleeding it out...thru my eyes...and falling...and falling...and falling...and falling.
--Lacrymosa/Evanescence is the absolutely most beautiful song i've heard in a longgggg time. it's so peacefully painfully tortured soul-y haha i love it.
--i just needed to write tonight. it's not like i'm doing anything more important. actually i had this ENTIRE weekend to write, but i just...didn't for some reason. even though i had no homework...i'm not sure. i confuse myself. almost as much as other people confuse me. almost.
heyy i'm gonna post my awesome intense short story now! really. it's riviting. k hold on. :]
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
i'm baaaackkkK!!!! told you so ;)
supppppp :)
okay so yep i'm back. back being......back-y.
and listening to Heaven in my Ears haha Breaking Benjamin's new album is reallyyyy good => i hav to listen to it for the newspaper -- which i am on & which is called The SHACK [[haha yeeeeahhh i kno what ur thinking. shut it]]], but ya i'm doing an album & movie review for this next issue :) 's gonna be sweeet.
*sighhh*
well today was an okay day.....eh. i'm having stupid friend/boy troubles, but i don't really wanna talk about it because i'd rather just forget it all. and not like..."dwell". seriously you need to kno what kind of people r worth stressing over and the kind who don't matter ~ the ones who fade out as easily as they fade in. barely 2 week friendships?? haha ya those r the best. moving on :)
^^ that boy issues is pretty much all that's making me "blahh"-ish. but when shit like that happens here, it makes me miss my best friend all over again....it's kinda like i cling to that security because i kno i can trust him, above anyone else.
do you believe in "meant to be"?
i do sometimes.....when i always end up back where i started. i feel okay tho about all of this. as long as i hav him, i can get thru anything. well fuck. when you read that it doesn't exactly sound like a good thing does it? haha well it's hard to explain....you don't need to kno the little details :)
BB is all tourtured-soul-y....and their music is kind of my default. but i'm not in the mood for them. i need -- alive. music that makes no sense, has no meaning, no depth, that just IS. and sounds good. lol i'll get me some of that later tho. cause right now -- if i'm gonna write -- which i am, i need deep tourtured-soul-y. to bring out the best in me. and not repress haha alright sounds goooood. i will post my literary magick later =]]
love,
S [[or Pepper. idk that was my used-to-be nickname.....to use it still or not??? i'll think it over]]
byeeeeebye
okay so yep i'm back. back being......back-y.
and listening to Heaven in my Ears haha Breaking Benjamin's new album is reallyyyy good => i hav to listen to it for the newspaper -- which i am on & which is called The SHACK [[haha yeeeeahhh i kno what ur thinking. shut it]]], but ya i'm doing an album & movie review for this next issue :) 's gonna be sweeet.
*sighhh*
well today was an okay day.....eh. i'm having stupid friend/boy troubles, but i don't really wanna talk about it because i'd rather just forget it all. and not like..."dwell". seriously you need to kno what kind of people r worth stressing over and the kind who don't matter ~ the ones who fade out as easily as they fade in. barely 2 week friendships?? haha ya those r the best. moving on :)
^^ that boy issues is pretty much all that's making me "blahh"-ish. but when shit like that happens here, it makes me miss my best friend all over again....it's kinda like i cling to that security because i kno i can trust him, above anyone else.
do you believe in "meant to be"?
i do sometimes.....when i always end up back where i started. i feel okay tho about all of this. as long as i hav him, i can get thru anything. well fuck. when you read that it doesn't exactly sound like a good thing does it? haha well it's hard to explain....you don't need to kno the little details :)
BB is all tourtured-soul-y....and their music is kind of my default. but i'm not in the mood for them. i need -- alive. music that makes no sense, has no meaning, no depth, that just IS. and sounds good. lol i'll get me some of that later tho. cause right now -- if i'm gonna write -- which i am, i need deep tourtured-soul-y. to bring out the best in me. and not repress haha alright sounds goooood. i will post my literary magick later =]]
love,
S [[or Pepper. idk that was my used-to-be nickname.....to use it still or not??? i'll think it over]]
byeeeeebye
Monday, September 28, 2009
no school = yay???
duuuude. hi!!! so i was gonna be all deeply awesomely soulful but then i changed my mind cause my brothers & sister woke up -- i can hear them downstairs -- and therefore that means it's time to eat then go OUT into the WORLD ~ buy stuff/get a hair cut :D which will be supa sexyyy
ok? ok.
i will be back tho. ughh i need to write so bad. it's crazy. :)
lovelovelove,
S
p.s. nick nack patty wack give a dog a bone. NICK NACK PATTY WACK GIVE A DOG A BONE THIS OL MAN CAME ROLLING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahhaaahhah. Shoots & Ladders by Korn is amazing-ness <3
ok? ok.
i will be back tho. ughh i need to write so bad. it's crazy. :)
lovelovelove,
S
p.s. nick nack patty wack give a dog a bone. NICK NACK PATTY WACK GIVE A DOG A BONE THIS OL MAN CAME ROLLING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahhaaahhah. Shoots & Ladders by Korn is amazing-ness <3
Sunday, July 5, 2009
"Prove Me Wrong" -- Chapter 1
Chapter 1
[[a/n: if there are spelling mistakes, sorry. i'll proofread eventually, i just wanted to post it cause i'm excited that i actually wrote so much at one time!!! hahah :) -- also the lack of spacing and big clumpy paragraphs haha again too lazy ;p]]
~Leila~
Dear Someone,
Life is a terminal disease. I read that somewhere once, and ever since I’ve gradually come to realize just how true that is. Everyone’s gonna die one day—some sooner than others. I have a congenital heart defect. It’s called Atrial Septal Defect or ASD. It’s something like a heart murmur, only…I can have a heart attack and die at any moment.
I have decided to document every year of the rest of my life (starting with this one—my senior year of high school) in this “journal/book” of mine because I’ve been thinking about a lot lately…I mean about things like just how good life can be no matter how bad off you think you might be (like me, freaky heart girl), and I guess I just wanna show the world that no matter what your problems are you can still find hope and happiness in everything you do. And if my journal ever gets published I want the world to know it too.
“Leila, dinner’s ready! Our guests should be here any minute!” My Aunty Lalita called from the bottom of the steps, pulling me back from that place in my mind where I go to when I’m writing.
“Coming!” I yelled back, clicking the tiny blue disc at the top left corner of my word document, saving the first paragraph of my new journal/book.
Hmm, the guests, I thought to myself before rolling off my bed where I was typing to the mirror making sure I didn’t have bed head hair or ruffle my clothes too much. Aunty was always particular about those things.
The guests she was referring to were our new neighbors, the Cole’s, who just moved in across the street. All I knew about them was that they were your seemingly typical run-of-the-mill American family: mother, father, and two teenage kids. They were from somewhere in Montana, of all places. According to Aunty Julia, they moved here this summer to Cape Town, Rhode Island for Mr. Cole’s job.
I myself had moved frequently when I lived with my parents. They died when I was fourteen in
a car crash. My aunt and uncle became my guardians. They’ve been so good to me these past four years.
Done checking my reflection, I walked downstairs to dinner. I reached the bottom step when the doorbell rang its familiar drawn out tune. Aunty Lalita came out of the kitchen looking as composed and beautiful as ever in her suburban housewife apron to answer the door. She stopped a moment looking me over to make sure I was presentable—of course.
“Go help your uncle heat up the souffle. He has no clue what he's doing.” She told me while brushing through my long wavy hair with her slender fingers.
I nodded, turning towards the kitchen while she went to answer the door.
~Channing~
“Stop texting, it’s not very polite you know,” I told my 13 year old sister, Marianne, with a smirk and just loud enough for my parents to hear.
“Mari, put that away! And Channing stop trying to get your sister in trouble.” My mom scolded us as my dad rung the doorbell. We were outside of the Scotts, our new neighbors’ house, where we had been invited for dinner.
Mari stuck her tongue out at me—so childish. I laughed quietly, and messed up her hair.
“Hey!” She exclaimed indignantly, just as the door opened.
“What?” I whispered back, looking innocent.
“Jane, Eric, welcome to our home! How are you?” A pretty middle-eastern looking lady with a British accent, asked my parents. She had a genuinely kind smile on her face, and I assumed that this was Mrs. Scott.
“We’re doing great, Mrs. Scott, thanks so much for having us over for dinner. The invitation was so very kind of you.” My mom told her, shaking her hand.
“Please, call me Lalita, and you are quite welcome, it was no problem. Come on in.” She said, gesturing for us to enter the house.
“Oh and these are our children, Marianne is 13, and Channing is 18.” Dad said, as we all walked towards the living room area.
“Nice to meet you Channing and Marianne,” Mrs. Scott greeted us, shaking our hands.
We were now all seated on the cool black leather couches in the living room.
“Well, my husband, Asher and my niece, Leila are in the kitchen finishing up dinner. Excuse me, let me go get them.” She smiled politely and got up.
Hmm, she has a niece…wonder if she’s hot. I let my mind wander as I slouched back on the comfy couch. My sister was back at the texting, and my parents were looking around the house talking quietly about all art on the walls and furniture and boring old people stuff.
I missed Billings, and Montana’s mountains and my friends. I could be chillin’ with them playing ball or something—anything but this. I missed my ex-girlfriend too…a little. Vicky Vinland. She was easy on the eyes, and I have a thing for the tiny straight-haired brunette types, brown or blue eyes, I’m flexible. I missed the making out and the fooling around because really that’s all we did. It wasn’t must of a “deep relationship” since her brain was pretty much filled with air. And yeah sure, she was getting boring anyway. We’d only been together for like 2 months, and I already felt like it was time for me to “explore” new options.
Then there was Kara. Oh and Taren and Nina. They’re my three closest friends who were girls. At one point in time I’d dated Nina and Taren, and sure maybe along the way our “friendship” became more of a convenient, “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” sort of thing. I wasn’t complaining though. I love girls, simple as that.
What Kara and I had wasn’t like what I had with Taren and Nina, though. Sure, I may have liked her in the 8th grade, after I broke up with this girl whose name I totally forgot come to think of it. Well I’d been dating for like 2 years and thought I was in love, yeah no, I dumped her because she got to clingy, always so jealous of all my other friends and constantly thought I was cheating; it really gets annoying after awhile, even if I may have been in her book, I mean it’s a hard thing to define – “cheating.” But yeah, I always kind of had a thing for Kara, while I was with what’s her face. Come on though, technically it’s not cheating unless you kiss a girl who’s not your girlfriend, riiight? One of my guy friends, Chad, told me that once. It turned out though that Kara was seriously in love with this 7th grader, who I was friends with, and only saw me as a friend. So I gave that up eventually, and we just stayed friends. Over time we got pretty close, surprisingly without me wanting to get in her pants, which was rare for me, ‘cause dude, 4 words—Kara is a babe. She’s got milky white skin, curly blond hair, and green eyes. Damn. It’s funny how I still remember all of that 4 years later, but those were some good times, and believe it or not high school’s been kind of a drag. Parties, sex, drinking, sports, what more could a guy want? Good question…still trying to figure that out.
Jeeze, this lady was taking a long time. And what is that burning smell?
~Leila~
Only Uncle Asher could manage to burn an empty pot.
After I came in to help him finish the noodles, I saw that he already took them out, not noticing that he put the empty pot back on the stove that he forgot to turn off. Until the burning smell of course.
“Asher! You forgot to turn off the stove!” Aunty scolded him, while I was putting the last of the food on the dining room table. The guests were still waiting in the living room.
“Oh, I did? I was wondering where that burning smell was coming from…Sorry, dear. I still don’t know why I’m even in the kitchen, it should probably be a hazard…” he mumbled.
My aunt thankfully didn’t hear that last part. I laughed quietly at my uncle.
“We can’t keep the guests waiting any longer. Is everything ready now?” She asked me.
“Yup, pretty much,” I told her.
“Alright, Asher wipe the flour off your face. Leila take the apron off. Everyone ready? Okay, time for some more introductions.”
We made our way towards the door that lead to our living room.
The Cole’s were an attractive looking family to say the least. The man I assumed to be Mr. Cole was an older-looking man, possibly in his early 50s with the wavy elegantly graying hair to prove it. He looked like an actor with his hard to forget emerald green eyes. Mrs. Cole was a petite woman with a sweet looking round face and prominent little dimples when she smiled. She had a shock of curly red hair and deep blue eyes. The teenage girl on her phone texting looked almost exactly like a slightly shorter version of her mother, only with the same color eyes as her father. And then there was the son.
Damnn…
The boy looked like a freaking Calvin Cline model. He had the perfect cross between wavy and curly hair that you just wanted to run your finger through out of instinct. It was a little long and golden like a toasted waffle. And his eyes, which were identical to his father’s and sister’s, were hidden behind the longest most perfect lashes ever. He had slight freckles across the bridge of his nose. Even in his simple attire of jeans and a long sleeved blue shirt, you could tell that he had an athlete’s body, perfectly sculpted at all the right places.
Good Lord. Down girl. I hope to God that my first impression of his guy is not showing on my face right now. I wanted to laugh, so bad. How was it possible for someone to look that perfect? I wonder if he’s completely obsessed with himself like I’m sure every girl he’s ever met is. If that’s the case then you can sure as hell count me off that list. Alright, Calvin Cline, let’s see what you got.
I actually hoped he’d prove me wrong.
~Channing~
Hello, Beautiful. Now I definitely hope to God that all the girls in this little town look like that.
Out of the three people that came out when that door opened, the first and hardest to miss was the girl, who I assumed was the niece, Mrs. Scott mentioned earlier.
The girl had long layered wavy dark brown hair with subtle plum highlights that were so dark you had to do a double take to notice them. Her skin was like caramel, not too light, not too dark, but perfectly in between. I concluded that she must have been mixed. Her eyes were what got me though. They were almond shaped and brown with a purple-ish hue.
Holy shit. Purple eyes?! That is so awesome.
She was wearing a white summer dress that ended a little above her knees with a thin sweater over it. She wasn’t rake skinny like most of the chicks I knew, no, she was curvy in all the right places and nicely stacked. Definite plus.
You know, I think I might like this town after all.
Leila, wasn’t it? Well baby, you can have me on my knees anytime you want.
Mrs. Scott gave the introductions.
“Jane, Eric, this is my husband Asher. Asher this is Jane and Eric and they’re son, Channing and daughter, Marianne. And this is our niece, Leila.”
Handshakes were exchanged, but when it was my turn with Leila, I couldn’t keep my eyes off this girl. I had saw her give me a once over earlier and wondered if she approved. I smiled my usual cocky smile that asked, like what you see? And let my palm linger on hers a little longer than was necessary. She had a strong grip though, small hands, but in no way delicate really. They were soft, but there was a hint of hard work in them.
“Hey.” I said. Simple and sweet.
She just smiled this mysterious smile, like she knew something I didn’t.
“Well let’s all sit down for a bit, shall we? Have a chat before dinner.” Mrs. Scott suggested. We all sat. Scotts on one couch and Coles on the other. I relaxed into the black leather, sitting back to enjoy the enthralling girl sitting across from me.
~Leila~
Total cock. That much was more than obvious. I could tell as soon as he gave me the “hi, I’m full of shit” smirk that he was just another typical arrogant sex-crazed jerk-off. Yet, still I kept up the sweet smile and formalities. I know how to play your game, baby.
It was a shame though. Besides my best guy friend Aiden Prince, most of the guys at Cape Town High were brainless horny retards or way too nerdy for my taste. Yeah, pretty much, those are the two categories they fit into. Aiden was the artsy type like me and my other best friend Quince Martin, they’d been dating for about 6 months now since I had finally gotten them together, after much begging from Aiden, at one of our lame school dances. Aiden had been completely crazy about Quince for I don’t even know how long, but she never really paid him much mind as anything more than the reliable guy friend. She was usually caught up in a new boy toy every month – she went through a team every year, football guys, soccer guys, baseball guys…yeah, you get the idea. When she found out Aiden liked her though, she actually decided to give him a chance, even though she wasn’t really into anyone but the jocky type, and they completely hit it off. Just like that. Of course now I’m somewhat like the third wheel, but it’s all good. I knew they still love me, and I just want them to be happy.
I’d been best friends with Quinc since 8th grade, when I moved in with my aunt and uncle. She sat next to me in my first class and was super friendly. We later realized that we both loved a lot of the same things, same type of music (Three Days Grace, all the way, baby), loved art, and were obsessed with movies. In terms of looks though, we’re complete opposites, she’s blond, I’m brunette, she has gray eyes, I have brownish purple-ish ones. My eyes are like that because of a birth defect, but a damn cool one. I used to hate my eyes when I was younger because the kids at school would make fun of me since I was so different looking from everyone else. I mean the fact that my mother was a British Israeli woman and my dad was black and Native American, didn’t exactly result in a common looking child. I looked like a mix of everything – black, Native American, and Israeli. As I grew older though, I realized how special and unique I was, and that people made fun of what they didn’t understand and what they were jealous of, all the cultures and races that flowed through the blood in my veins.
Anyways, back to my other train of thought. I hoped this Channing guy was different – one of the few guys in this world that I’ve been waiting for, maybe that he was someone to prove me wrong. I haven’t had a boyfriend since freshman year (and I’m a senior now). Not since my first boyfriend and my first love. Sure I was a bit young for love, but I knew what I felt, and even after everything I still think I was truly in love. His name was Will Mackenzie. He had the warmest sweetest golden eyes I had ever seen, they were like honey, and long wavy dirty blond hair. Will and I had started dated in 8th grade. He was friends with Quince and when I met him, we just sort of…clicked. He and I became best friends and the three of us were super close. Then Will and I became more than friends, and Quinc was left to be the third wheel (funny coincidence, right? Maybe it’s karma), we still all hung out together though. I loved Will with all my heart and he loved me too. Back then, I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with him. I didn’t think anything better could ever come along and I didn’t think anything could ever change that.
Half way into freshman year, Will found out that his dad’s company was transferring him to some random New Jersey town, which meant his family would be going with, which meant that Will was leaving Cape Town and leaving me. We promised to keep in touch as best friends, but we broke up, as a mutual thing. We were both too young for any kind of major long distance relationship. The friends thing was harder that we thought it would be. The fact that we’d been in love for two years wouldn’t just disappear and even after he started dating again and even though we were so far apart, he came back to me. But we were both different people, older, and we both kept falling in love with the people we used to know and we realized that it was no use pretending to be best friends and living in the past when we both wanted more but couldn’t have it. Talking every day was too hard. So we decided to stop and just live out own lives, separately, and if we met again one day then maybe we were really meant to be. The meant to be thing is what he always said. But really in the end, he had to let me go because he was sick of being in love with a girl he could never have or see or touch or kiss. It would never be enough. What’s a good way to put it? How about…he’s a guy, and guy’s have needs. True love, my ass. When I think back on my first serious relationship, I still don’t know what to think. All guys are the same? Hormones vs. Love. What’s a girl to do?
“So what do you say, Leila?” Aunt Lalita asked me.
“Huh?”
Yeah, that was really the best I could think of. Probably should’ve been paying attention…eh em.
~Channing~
I couldn’t help it, I laughed out loud. No one heard, but her though. And she glared at me as she was trying to figure out what her aunt was talking about. I’d been watching her for the past 5 minutes as she stared off into space, her mind wandering away from the boring small talk we both had to sit through. She didn’t notice me staring though, or if she did she didn’t acknowledge me in any way. I wished I could read minds.
“I was just telling Mrs. Cole here how you’d be happy to show Channing here around town tomorrow. And that maybe you could introduce Marianne to Quince’s little sister, Julia. She’s in 9th grade too now, right?”
“Oh, right yes, of course. She is, I’ll call Quince tomorrow and ask her about it.” Leila replied, smiling at my sister, subtly ignoring me, and continently dodging answering her aunt’s request to show me around town, all at the same time. Well, I do like ‘em feisty. It’s even more when they play hard to get, adds an extra “something” to the conquest.
Yet something in the back of my head told me otherwise. This girl was different…special. There was something more to her, and with nothing more than a first impression and a handshake, I had barely even skimmed the surface.
“And you’ll show Channing around town as well?” Her aunt obviously did not have a sketchy memory.
“Uh…” she smiled politely at my mother, and then glanced at me. 3 seconds. “I’d love to.”
~Leila~
“I’d love to.”
Liar.
How did I get into this again? Oh, yeah. Thank you Aunty L. Really, I love you like crazy right now. I glared at my aunt in my mind as she went back to talking to Mrs. Cole. Mr. Cole and my uncle were talking about mortgages or something boring like that. Marianne was texting again. And Channing was…staring at me? Real subtle, dude. I’m not that exotic looking, am i? I gave him one of his like what you see? smirks. Let’s chat, shall we?
“So…Channing, was it? What time should I pick you up tomorrow? We can take my car, if you don’t mind, that is.”
“Don’t mind at all. 7 is good.” He replied with that insipid smirk still on his perfect face. And yes sure it wasn’t exactly a secret that I did not want to be his own personal pocket tour guide, but still, rubbing it in was just plain…plain…was just a dickmove. Good word.
“7…in the morning?” No one, teenager at least, in their right mind wakes up before 10 during the summer. What was this guy on?
He laughed at the expression on my face. I decided I liked his laugh; it was one of those laughs that couldn’t be annoying, even if you wanted it to be and even if you wanted to hit him because he was laughing – at you. Following that decision, I quickly took it back and buried that thought in a vault in the back of my head where I also kept my earlier thoughts/descriptions of his Calvin Cline model hotness, and threw away the key. This is just a game to him – one that I plan on winning.
“Yeah, I usually get up at like 6 for my run, so I’ll be ready by 7.”
“Oh, I see. So you’re a runner then?” Hmm…I liked that. I used to run until 7th grade when I found out about my heart condition. I was a sprinter, but after that I couldn’t do any sports that trained as hard as Track did.
He nodded his head.
“Track and Basketball. You do any sports?” He asked, looking genuinely interested in learning about me. Or maybe putting his hidden acting talents to good use.
I crossed legs, revealing some skin in the process, and followed his eyes the whole time. Typical.
“I ran track until 7th grade. Why is quit, is a long story. I was sprinter, jumper, and threw jav. What events do you do?”
“Same as you almost, sprints and jav. So long story, huh? Code for, none of my business?”
Smart cookie.
I gave him an innocent almost smile. “Yeah, something like that.”
He was starting strait into my eyes the whole time as we asked these simple questions back and forth, as though we were unlocking the secrets of the universe. We said nothing for a few seconds after I replied and his gaze was intense. I had to look away first. It was as if I was hiding something I didn’t want him to see. My secret vault maybe? Get it together, Leila. He’s a player. I had to keep reminding myself. What was wrong with me?
~Channing~
This girl was mesmerizing from the way she spoke to the way she sat to the way the words moved her mouth as she spoke. Her purple eyes were so deep and so secretive, I couldn’t stop staring, thinking that maybe if I looked long enough I would figure her out. Honestly, it was frustrating, wanting to know more about this girl than whether or not she was a virgin (though, I did want to know that too. Oh and if she has a boyfriend? Can’t forget that one), and it taking so long to find out.
It’s obvious she doesn’t like me because she’s not swooning over my good looks. That was frustrating also. I could always get any girl I wanted with little less than a smile, but it was going to take more than that to even become friends with this girl. That much was obvious. She knows what’s she doing though. She’s playing my game.
And that makes her even more unattainably attractive.
The adults were now standing up from their seats and that brought me back to focus.
“Ready to eat, kids?”
Hell yes. My stomach growled.
~Leila~
Dinner was delicious as usual. My aunt being a gourmet chef had made a delicious corn and squash soufflé (our earlier kitchen mishap had occurred because my uncle had been left with the task of finishing the soufflé, but it still tasted wonderful, so you couldn’t even tell he had been anywhere near it) with braised lamb shanks, boiled potatoes, vegetables, and her famous to-die-for tiramisu. The rich heavenly chocolate was like an orgasm in your mouth.
And I could see out guest thought so too and were more than impressed.
“Lalita, you didn’t tell us you were a chef!” Mrs. Scott exclaimed, delightfully shocked at the revelation.
“Oh, yes well I didn’t think it was that important a detail really.” My aunt replied, modest and sweet as usual.
“My God this is amazing! You have to teach my wife how to make this! Wow. Marvelous. Simply mouth watering.” Mr. Scott praised the heavenly tiramisu.
Even Channing loved the food, so much so, I almost forgot what an arrogant prick he was as he was so busy eating and not talking or smirking at me.
“I’ll clear the dishes, Aunty.” I told her once I had seen that everyone was finished eating.
“And I’ll help.” Channing announced out of nowhere. His parents were obviously shocked at this chivalrous offer, as was I. Ulterior motive, anyone?
“Nonsense, Channing. Your our guest!” My aunt protested in the process of getting up from her chair.
“No, really its fine, I insist. It’s the least I can do after being served such a delicious meal, Mrs. Scott.”
Really laying it on thick aren’t you, Mr. Cline? My aunts married you know, so you can stop that train of thought right there if you’re wanting to get in her pants too, Sicko.
Smiling butt-kissing Channing glanced at me as if he could hear my slanderous thoughts.
My aunt smiled at him, most likely thinking oh, what a sweet gentlemanly young man. “Well alright, if you insist.” She relented.
Okay, great, show’s over. I walked into the kitchen with a few plates and Channing right behind me with the rest. As the swinging door closed, I could hear his parents in the dining room lying through their teeth about how “yes, he does it all the time at home.” I rolled my eyes. Everyone at that table, except my oblivious, “always see the good in people” aunt and uncle, knew that Channing was anything but the angelic young gentleman.
“Okay, listen dude, I don’t know what you’re up to, trying to make my aunt and uncle think you’re some of innocent Little Boy Blue, but seriously, everyone but them can see right through you, as I’m sure you know.”
He laughed. Vault in the back of my head, threw away the key, bad thoughts, bad thoughts.
“Whoa whoa, calm down. I’m not some kind of con man with a big bad criminal plan.” He had his hands up in defense then put them down, pausing for a sec as if trying to figure out how to phrase what he was going to say next. “I just wanted to talk to you, away from the families.”
I was about to let the suspicion show blatantly on my face, but then I stopped myself. How was I playing this again? Hot and Cold? Or just cold? Because I think my natural instincts as Ice Queen against his type were kicking in, and I was forgetting about the game. Play it cool. Calm down. Who has the most control? Me. Why? Guys are easy. The exact opposite of Silly Putty; you play with that stuff, it’s soft and squishy and when you leave it alone, it gets hard.
I visibly relaxed, uncrossed my arms, and came out of my defensive stance.
Turning the slightly flirty voice on, but still slightly skeptical for believability’s sake, I asked, “Oh, is that so? And what exactly was it that you wanted to talk about that had to be done alone?”
He put his hands in his pockets slightly rocking back on his heels to give himself time to think about his answer to that. I noticed he was wearing red converse. Not that I’m about to say this about Mr. Douche Bag, but I love a guy in converse. Always have. So hot.
“Umm, tomorrow! Yeah, you know, our Tour Date.” He smirked.
Ah, good one, Chuck Taylor. Nice save, very smooth.
Letting my amusement show, I said, “First off, not a date, but what exactly would you like to discuss about it?”
He picked up some plates from off the counter and put them in the sink for something to do.
“You know, just stuff. Like what’s there to do in this town? It’s way smaller then Billings, where we used to live. Seems kind of…dead.”
“Oh, what are you insulting my town now, Montana? Mind if I call you that?” I laughed and before he could answer said, “Good, I like it. Anyways, yes there is stuff to do in Cape Town. There’s a pool in about every house in town and then there’s that big blue watery looking thing called the sea, if you’re into boating. My best friend has a boat, and he takes me and his girlfriend, my other best friend, out all the time. I might let you come along, if I decide I like you, which I haven’t done yet. Then there are yacht parties people throw. It’s kind of a free for all since it’s such a small town. If you go to Cape Town, which you now do, then you’re invited unless you get kicked out. That’d be a good way to meet people before school, and you got like two weeks. Also there’s The Lighthouse.”
“Like an actual lighthouse?” He sounded fascinated by the thought. Poor sheltered child.
“Been stuck in the mountains all your life, love?” I smiled at him. “Yes those are everywhere, but The Lighthouse I’m talking about is the best movie theater in town. It’s kind of small, but in an artsy cozy antique kind of way. It’s seriously awesome -- if you’re into that kind of thing. I can’t really tell if you’re the movie type from what I know about you, which isn’t much. All I got so far is morning person and jock – both my complete opposites.”
“Hey, we might have more in common than you think, Miss Scott. Yes, I love movies. That’s usually how I spend my free time.” He said. Hmm…interesting…
“Actually it’s Lovelle – my last name.” I informed him.
“Oh, my bad. Okay, Miss Lovelle then. So we should probably get back outside, everyone’s probably wondering what’s taking us so long. We can talk more tomorrow. ‘Cause, you know, we’ll have all day, alone, just you and me. Alone.” He winked suggestively, but I could tell he was just playing.
I rolled my eyes at him. “Yeah, thanks dude I got that. I’ll try to bear it. Let’s go.” I nodded towards the door.
“Ladies first.”
I arched my eyebrows as I looked up with him and my expression clearly said you? A gentleman? Scoff. Then I walked on in front of him to give him a clear view of my backside, which is what he wanted to see. Unfortunately for him, the dress didn’t show much.
~Channing~
The dress didn’t show much. I’d have to save my assessment of her ass for another time. What? I can’t help it. The beast inside of me just keeps coming out because the fact is I’m a man and she’s…she’s so enthralling without even trying to be. No amount of “down boy” is going to change my true nature.
When we came back to the dining room, everyone was already gone. There were voices coming from the living room so we reasonably deduced that they got tired of waiting for us and ditched.
“There you are! At least tell me you washed the dishes and that’s what took you so long.” Mrs. Scott laughed clearly amused. Actually with a little more amusement than the situation called for. My parents and Mr. Scott joined in like she had just told the funniest joke in the world.
Bingo.
Almost drained wine glasses and opened bottles. How long had we been in the kitchen now?
Marianne, sitting in a reclining chair in the corner, looked bored out of her mind. She looked at me, rolled her eyes, and then went back to her phone.
I looked at Leila, she shrugged.
“Okay, Parents Dearest, I think it’s time to say good night, it’s probably pretty late.” I took out my phone, which said 9:30. “Yep, it’s 9:30, and Mari’s pretty tired, aren’t you, sis?”
Mari put on the tired sad pout for our mom’s benefit. When in need, rely on a mother’s love. She still treated Mari like her little baby. Sucked for her.
“Oh, yes yes of course! We should really be getting home now.” My mom came back to reality.
“It was very nice to meet you, Lalita, Asher.” My dad put in. Handshakes were exchanged. “Thank you for the wonderful dinner.”
“Yeah, thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Scott.” I said, genuinely thankful for the great food. Mrs. Scott kicked ass at cooking, where as my mother…eh, not so much. Of course, I would never say that out loud.
My sister smiled, “Thank you.”
“I’ll call you sometime this week, Lalita, and you can teach me how to make that divine tiramisu.” My mom said to Mrs. Scott.
“Oh, that sounds wonderful, Jane. It was a lovely time. You guys have a good night now.” Mrs. Scott smiled at us as we were now at the door.
“And if you need any help with yard work and what not you give me a call too, Eric.” Mr. Scott offered.
“Will do, Asher.” They shook hands again.
My sister was already out the door.
“See you tomorrow, Leila.” I smiled at the pretty purple eyed girl.
She nodded her head at me and smiled ever so slightly. “See ya.”
As so soon as she was out of my sight, I knew it wouldn’t be easy getting that girl out of my head until I saw her again. Damn…this wasn’t good. At the same time though, I didn’t really mind.
Leila Lovelle, who are you and what the hell have you done to me?
~Leila~
Dear Someone,
So…I met this guy today. Well this guy + his whole family. They’re our new next door neighbors, the Coles, who just moved here from middle-of-nowhere Billings, Montana. They have a son and daughter – Channing, who’s in my grade and Marianne, a freshman.
Channing Cole a.k.a. “Montana” (as I so appropriately nicknamed him – total spur of the moment thing). It’s hard to describe my exact opinion towards him. He’s freaking flawlessly handsome. He has longish wavy/curly toasted waffle blond hair, the perfectly sculpted athlete’s body, and the deepest most penetrating emerald green eyes I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, they’re amazing.
See the thing is, he’s a player and arrogant and completely full of himself. All of this I could tell from his first smile/smirk. I know his type; I’ve gone to school with his type for 3 years. He likes to play games and he’s all about the conquest. He’s the kind of guy any smart girl would stay far far away from because he’s a horny sex-crazed bastard who breaks hearts for fun. I must not be very smart then. I don’t know, it’s just…there’s just something about him…something that I can’t quite place. Like there’s more him than just a player beneath the surface and his “I’m just a jock” outer layer. Like a cake. I’ve only tasted the first layer of him, but maybe there’s more or maybe I’m stupid and being poisoned by his hotness with “false hope” that I’ve meet a guy with the capacity to prove me wrong about the masculine sex. God knows. Hey man, that cake thing was kind of dirty wasn’t it? Haha, funny, I still like it though…my great analogies…okay, I’m mumbling, sleep is calling me. I’ll be back tomorrow and I’ll tell you all about my All Day Outing Alone with Montana (yeah, it’s a long story. Hint: it’s Aunty Lalita’s fault I’m stuck with him, but as they say…something something make the most of difficult situations. I will survive [good song too] and so on…)
[[a/n: if there are spelling mistakes, sorry. i'll proofread eventually, i just wanted to post it cause i'm excited that i actually wrote so much at one time!!! hahah :) -- also the lack of spacing and big clumpy paragraphs haha again too lazy ;p]]
~Leila~
Dear Someone,
Life is a terminal disease. I read that somewhere once, and ever since I’ve gradually come to realize just how true that is. Everyone’s gonna die one day—some sooner than others. I have a congenital heart defect. It’s called Atrial Septal Defect or ASD. It’s something like a heart murmur, only…I can have a heart attack and die at any moment.
I have decided to document every year of the rest of my life (starting with this one—my senior year of high school) in this “journal/book” of mine because I’ve been thinking about a lot lately…I mean about things like just how good life can be no matter how bad off you think you might be (like me, freaky heart girl), and I guess I just wanna show the world that no matter what your problems are you can still find hope and happiness in everything you do. And if my journal ever gets published I want the world to know it too.
“Leila, dinner’s ready! Our guests should be here any minute!” My Aunty Lalita called from the bottom of the steps, pulling me back from that place in my mind where I go to when I’m writing.
“Coming!” I yelled back, clicking the tiny blue disc at the top left corner of my word document, saving the first paragraph of my new journal/book.
Hmm, the guests, I thought to myself before rolling off my bed where I was typing to the mirror making sure I didn’t have bed head hair or ruffle my clothes too much. Aunty was always particular about those things.
The guests she was referring to were our new neighbors, the Cole’s, who just moved in across the street. All I knew about them was that they were your seemingly typical run-of-the-mill American family: mother, father, and two teenage kids. They were from somewhere in Montana, of all places. According to Aunty Julia, they moved here this summer to Cape Town, Rhode Island for Mr. Cole’s job.
I myself had moved frequently when I lived with my parents. They died when I was fourteen in
a car crash. My aunt and uncle became my guardians. They’ve been so good to me these past four years.
Done checking my reflection, I walked downstairs to dinner. I reached the bottom step when the doorbell rang its familiar drawn out tune. Aunty Lalita came out of the kitchen looking as composed and beautiful as ever in her suburban housewife apron to answer the door. She stopped a moment looking me over to make sure I was presentable—of course.
“Go help your uncle heat up the souffle. He has no clue what he's doing.” She told me while brushing through my long wavy hair with her slender fingers.
I nodded, turning towards the kitchen while she went to answer the door.
~Channing~
“Stop texting, it’s not very polite you know,” I told my 13 year old sister, Marianne, with a smirk and just loud enough for my parents to hear.
“Mari, put that away! And Channing stop trying to get your sister in trouble.” My mom scolded us as my dad rung the doorbell. We were outside of the Scotts, our new neighbors’ house, where we had been invited for dinner.
Mari stuck her tongue out at me—so childish. I laughed quietly, and messed up her hair.
“Hey!” She exclaimed indignantly, just as the door opened.
“What?” I whispered back, looking innocent.
“Jane, Eric, welcome to our home! How are you?” A pretty middle-eastern looking lady with a British accent, asked my parents. She had a genuinely kind smile on her face, and I assumed that this was Mrs. Scott.
“We’re doing great, Mrs. Scott, thanks so much for having us over for dinner. The invitation was so very kind of you.” My mom told her, shaking her hand.
“Please, call me Lalita, and you are quite welcome, it was no problem. Come on in.” She said, gesturing for us to enter the house.
“Oh and these are our children, Marianne is 13, and Channing is 18.” Dad said, as we all walked towards the living room area.
“Nice to meet you Channing and Marianne,” Mrs. Scott greeted us, shaking our hands.
We were now all seated on the cool black leather couches in the living room.
“Well, my husband, Asher and my niece, Leila are in the kitchen finishing up dinner. Excuse me, let me go get them.” She smiled politely and got up.
Hmm, she has a niece…wonder if she’s hot. I let my mind wander as I slouched back on the comfy couch. My sister was back at the texting, and my parents were looking around the house talking quietly about all art on the walls and furniture and boring old people stuff.
I missed Billings, and Montana’s mountains and my friends. I could be chillin’ with them playing ball or something—anything but this. I missed my ex-girlfriend too…a little. Vicky Vinland. She was easy on the eyes, and I have a thing for the tiny straight-haired brunette types, brown or blue eyes, I’m flexible. I missed the making out and the fooling around because really that’s all we did. It wasn’t must of a “deep relationship” since her brain was pretty much filled with air. And yeah sure, she was getting boring anyway. We’d only been together for like 2 months, and I already felt like it was time for me to “explore” new options.
Then there was Kara. Oh and Taren and Nina. They’re my three closest friends who were girls. At one point in time I’d dated Nina and Taren, and sure maybe along the way our “friendship” became more of a convenient, “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” sort of thing. I wasn’t complaining though. I love girls, simple as that.
What Kara and I had wasn’t like what I had with Taren and Nina, though. Sure, I may have liked her in the 8th grade, after I broke up with this girl whose name I totally forgot come to think of it. Well I’d been dating for like 2 years and thought I was in love, yeah no, I dumped her because she got to clingy, always so jealous of all my other friends and constantly thought I was cheating; it really gets annoying after awhile, even if I may have been in her book, I mean it’s a hard thing to define – “cheating.” But yeah, I always kind of had a thing for Kara, while I was with what’s her face. Come on though, technically it’s not cheating unless you kiss a girl who’s not your girlfriend, riiight? One of my guy friends, Chad, told me that once. It turned out though that Kara was seriously in love with this 7th grader, who I was friends with, and only saw me as a friend. So I gave that up eventually, and we just stayed friends. Over time we got pretty close, surprisingly without me wanting to get in her pants, which was rare for me, ‘cause dude, 4 words—Kara is a babe. She’s got milky white skin, curly blond hair, and green eyes. Damn. It’s funny how I still remember all of that 4 years later, but those were some good times, and believe it or not high school’s been kind of a drag. Parties, sex, drinking, sports, what more could a guy want? Good question…still trying to figure that out.
Jeeze, this lady was taking a long time. And what is that burning smell?
~Leila~
Only Uncle Asher could manage to burn an empty pot.
After I came in to help him finish the noodles, I saw that he already took them out, not noticing that he put the empty pot back on the stove that he forgot to turn off. Until the burning smell of course.
“Asher! You forgot to turn off the stove!” Aunty scolded him, while I was putting the last of the food on the dining room table. The guests were still waiting in the living room.
“Oh, I did? I was wondering where that burning smell was coming from…Sorry, dear. I still don’t know why I’m even in the kitchen, it should probably be a hazard…” he mumbled.
My aunt thankfully didn’t hear that last part. I laughed quietly at my uncle.
“We can’t keep the guests waiting any longer. Is everything ready now?” She asked me.
“Yup, pretty much,” I told her.
“Alright, Asher wipe the flour off your face. Leila take the apron off. Everyone ready? Okay, time for some more introductions.”
We made our way towards the door that lead to our living room.
The Cole’s were an attractive looking family to say the least. The man I assumed to be Mr. Cole was an older-looking man, possibly in his early 50s with the wavy elegantly graying hair to prove it. He looked like an actor with his hard to forget emerald green eyes. Mrs. Cole was a petite woman with a sweet looking round face and prominent little dimples when she smiled. She had a shock of curly red hair and deep blue eyes. The teenage girl on her phone texting looked almost exactly like a slightly shorter version of her mother, only with the same color eyes as her father. And then there was the son.
Damnn…
The boy looked like a freaking Calvin Cline model. He had the perfect cross between wavy and curly hair that you just wanted to run your finger through out of instinct. It was a little long and golden like a toasted waffle. And his eyes, which were identical to his father’s and sister’s, were hidden behind the longest most perfect lashes ever. He had slight freckles across the bridge of his nose. Even in his simple attire of jeans and a long sleeved blue shirt, you could tell that he had an athlete’s body, perfectly sculpted at all the right places.
Good Lord. Down girl. I hope to God that my first impression of his guy is not showing on my face right now. I wanted to laugh, so bad. How was it possible for someone to look that perfect? I wonder if he’s completely obsessed with himself like I’m sure every girl he’s ever met is. If that’s the case then you can sure as hell count me off that list. Alright, Calvin Cline, let’s see what you got.
I actually hoped he’d prove me wrong.
~Channing~
Hello, Beautiful. Now I definitely hope to God that all the girls in this little town look like that.
Out of the three people that came out when that door opened, the first and hardest to miss was the girl, who I assumed was the niece, Mrs. Scott mentioned earlier.
The girl had long layered wavy dark brown hair with subtle plum highlights that were so dark you had to do a double take to notice them. Her skin was like caramel, not too light, not too dark, but perfectly in between. I concluded that she must have been mixed. Her eyes were what got me though. They were almond shaped and brown with a purple-ish hue.
Holy shit. Purple eyes?! That is so awesome.
She was wearing a white summer dress that ended a little above her knees with a thin sweater over it. She wasn’t rake skinny like most of the chicks I knew, no, she was curvy in all the right places and nicely stacked. Definite plus.
You know, I think I might like this town after all.
Leila, wasn’t it? Well baby, you can have me on my knees anytime you want.
Mrs. Scott gave the introductions.
“Jane, Eric, this is my husband Asher. Asher this is Jane and Eric and they’re son, Channing and daughter, Marianne. And this is our niece, Leila.”
Handshakes were exchanged, but when it was my turn with Leila, I couldn’t keep my eyes off this girl. I had saw her give me a once over earlier and wondered if she approved. I smiled my usual cocky smile that asked, like what you see? And let my palm linger on hers a little longer than was necessary. She had a strong grip though, small hands, but in no way delicate really. They were soft, but there was a hint of hard work in them.
“Hey.” I said. Simple and sweet.
She just smiled this mysterious smile, like she knew something I didn’t.
“Well let’s all sit down for a bit, shall we? Have a chat before dinner.” Mrs. Scott suggested. We all sat. Scotts on one couch and Coles on the other. I relaxed into the black leather, sitting back to enjoy the enthralling girl sitting across from me.
~Leila~
Total cock. That much was more than obvious. I could tell as soon as he gave me the “hi, I’m full of shit” smirk that he was just another typical arrogant sex-crazed jerk-off. Yet, still I kept up the sweet smile and formalities. I know how to play your game, baby.
It was a shame though. Besides my best guy friend Aiden Prince, most of the guys at Cape Town High were brainless horny retards or way too nerdy for my taste. Yeah, pretty much, those are the two categories they fit into. Aiden was the artsy type like me and my other best friend Quince Martin, they’d been dating for about 6 months now since I had finally gotten them together, after much begging from Aiden, at one of our lame school dances. Aiden had been completely crazy about Quince for I don’t even know how long, but she never really paid him much mind as anything more than the reliable guy friend. She was usually caught up in a new boy toy every month – she went through a team every year, football guys, soccer guys, baseball guys…yeah, you get the idea. When she found out Aiden liked her though, she actually decided to give him a chance, even though she wasn’t really into anyone but the jocky type, and they completely hit it off. Just like that. Of course now I’m somewhat like the third wheel, but it’s all good. I knew they still love me, and I just want them to be happy.
I’d been best friends with Quinc since 8th grade, when I moved in with my aunt and uncle. She sat next to me in my first class and was super friendly. We later realized that we both loved a lot of the same things, same type of music (Three Days Grace, all the way, baby), loved art, and were obsessed with movies. In terms of looks though, we’re complete opposites, she’s blond, I’m brunette, she has gray eyes, I have brownish purple-ish ones. My eyes are like that because of a birth defect, but a damn cool one. I used to hate my eyes when I was younger because the kids at school would make fun of me since I was so different looking from everyone else. I mean the fact that my mother was a British Israeli woman and my dad was black and Native American, didn’t exactly result in a common looking child. I looked like a mix of everything – black, Native American, and Israeli. As I grew older though, I realized how special and unique I was, and that people made fun of what they didn’t understand and what they were jealous of, all the cultures and races that flowed through the blood in my veins.
Anyways, back to my other train of thought. I hoped this Channing guy was different – one of the few guys in this world that I’ve been waiting for, maybe that he was someone to prove me wrong. I haven’t had a boyfriend since freshman year (and I’m a senior now). Not since my first boyfriend and my first love. Sure I was a bit young for love, but I knew what I felt, and even after everything I still think I was truly in love. His name was Will Mackenzie. He had the warmest sweetest golden eyes I had ever seen, they were like honey, and long wavy dirty blond hair. Will and I had started dated in 8th grade. He was friends with Quince and when I met him, we just sort of…clicked. He and I became best friends and the three of us were super close. Then Will and I became more than friends, and Quinc was left to be the third wheel (funny coincidence, right? Maybe it’s karma), we still all hung out together though. I loved Will with all my heart and he loved me too. Back then, I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with him. I didn’t think anything better could ever come along and I didn’t think anything could ever change that.
Half way into freshman year, Will found out that his dad’s company was transferring him to some random New Jersey town, which meant his family would be going with, which meant that Will was leaving Cape Town and leaving me. We promised to keep in touch as best friends, but we broke up, as a mutual thing. We were both too young for any kind of major long distance relationship. The friends thing was harder that we thought it would be. The fact that we’d been in love for two years wouldn’t just disappear and even after he started dating again and even though we were so far apart, he came back to me. But we were both different people, older, and we both kept falling in love with the people we used to know and we realized that it was no use pretending to be best friends and living in the past when we both wanted more but couldn’t have it. Talking every day was too hard. So we decided to stop and just live out own lives, separately, and if we met again one day then maybe we were really meant to be. The meant to be thing is what he always said. But really in the end, he had to let me go because he was sick of being in love with a girl he could never have or see or touch or kiss. It would never be enough. What’s a good way to put it? How about…he’s a guy, and guy’s have needs. True love, my ass. When I think back on my first serious relationship, I still don’t know what to think. All guys are the same? Hormones vs. Love. What’s a girl to do?
“So what do you say, Leila?” Aunt Lalita asked me.
“Huh?”
Yeah, that was really the best I could think of. Probably should’ve been paying attention…eh em.
~Channing~
I couldn’t help it, I laughed out loud. No one heard, but her though. And she glared at me as she was trying to figure out what her aunt was talking about. I’d been watching her for the past 5 minutes as she stared off into space, her mind wandering away from the boring small talk we both had to sit through. She didn’t notice me staring though, or if she did she didn’t acknowledge me in any way. I wished I could read minds.
“I was just telling Mrs. Cole here how you’d be happy to show Channing here around town tomorrow. And that maybe you could introduce Marianne to Quince’s little sister, Julia. She’s in 9th grade too now, right?”
“Oh, right yes, of course. She is, I’ll call Quince tomorrow and ask her about it.” Leila replied, smiling at my sister, subtly ignoring me, and continently dodging answering her aunt’s request to show me around town, all at the same time. Well, I do like ‘em feisty. It’s even more when they play hard to get, adds an extra “something” to the conquest.
Yet something in the back of my head told me otherwise. This girl was different…special. There was something more to her, and with nothing more than a first impression and a handshake, I had barely even skimmed the surface.
“And you’ll show Channing around town as well?” Her aunt obviously did not have a sketchy memory.
“Uh…” she smiled politely at my mother, and then glanced at me. 3 seconds. “I’d love to.”
~Leila~
“I’d love to.”
Liar.
How did I get into this again? Oh, yeah. Thank you Aunty L. Really, I love you like crazy right now. I glared at my aunt in my mind as she went back to talking to Mrs. Cole. Mr. Cole and my uncle were talking about mortgages or something boring like that. Marianne was texting again. And Channing was…staring at me? Real subtle, dude. I’m not that exotic looking, am i? I gave him one of his like what you see? smirks. Let’s chat, shall we?
“So…Channing, was it? What time should I pick you up tomorrow? We can take my car, if you don’t mind, that is.”
“Don’t mind at all. 7 is good.” He replied with that insipid smirk still on his perfect face. And yes sure it wasn’t exactly a secret that I did not want to be his own personal pocket tour guide, but still, rubbing it in was just plain…plain…was just a dickmove. Good word.
“7…in the morning?” No one, teenager at least, in their right mind wakes up before 10 during the summer. What was this guy on?
He laughed at the expression on my face. I decided I liked his laugh; it was one of those laughs that couldn’t be annoying, even if you wanted it to be and even if you wanted to hit him because he was laughing – at you. Following that decision, I quickly took it back and buried that thought in a vault in the back of my head where I also kept my earlier thoughts/descriptions of his Calvin Cline model hotness, and threw away the key. This is just a game to him – one that I plan on winning.
“Yeah, I usually get up at like 6 for my run, so I’ll be ready by 7.”
“Oh, I see. So you’re a runner then?” Hmm…I liked that. I used to run until 7th grade when I found out about my heart condition. I was a sprinter, but after that I couldn’t do any sports that trained as hard as Track did.
He nodded his head.
“Track and Basketball. You do any sports?” He asked, looking genuinely interested in learning about me. Or maybe putting his hidden acting talents to good use.
I crossed legs, revealing some skin in the process, and followed his eyes the whole time. Typical.
“I ran track until 7th grade. Why is quit, is a long story. I was sprinter, jumper, and threw jav. What events do you do?”
“Same as you almost, sprints and jav. So long story, huh? Code for, none of my business?”
Smart cookie.
I gave him an innocent almost smile. “Yeah, something like that.”
He was starting strait into my eyes the whole time as we asked these simple questions back and forth, as though we were unlocking the secrets of the universe. We said nothing for a few seconds after I replied and his gaze was intense. I had to look away first. It was as if I was hiding something I didn’t want him to see. My secret vault maybe? Get it together, Leila. He’s a player. I had to keep reminding myself. What was wrong with me?
~Channing~
This girl was mesmerizing from the way she spoke to the way she sat to the way the words moved her mouth as she spoke. Her purple eyes were so deep and so secretive, I couldn’t stop staring, thinking that maybe if I looked long enough I would figure her out. Honestly, it was frustrating, wanting to know more about this girl than whether or not she was a virgin (though, I did want to know that too. Oh and if she has a boyfriend? Can’t forget that one), and it taking so long to find out.
It’s obvious she doesn’t like me because she’s not swooning over my good looks. That was frustrating also. I could always get any girl I wanted with little less than a smile, but it was going to take more than that to even become friends with this girl. That much was obvious. She knows what’s she doing though. She’s playing my game.
And that makes her even more unattainably attractive.
The adults were now standing up from their seats and that brought me back to focus.
“Ready to eat, kids?”
Hell yes. My stomach growled.
~Leila~
Dinner was delicious as usual. My aunt being a gourmet chef had made a delicious corn and squash soufflé (our earlier kitchen mishap had occurred because my uncle had been left with the task of finishing the soufflé, but it still tasted wonderful, so you couldn’t even tell he had been anywhere near it) with braised lamb shanks, boiled potatoes, vegetables, and her famous to-die-for tiramisu. The rich heavenly chocolate was like an orgasm in your mouth.
And I could see out guest thought so too and were more than impressed.
“Lalita, you didn’t tell us you were a chef!” Mrs. Scott exclaimed, delightfully shocked at the revelation.
“Oh, yes well I didn’t think it was that important a detail really.” My aunt replied, modest and sweet as usual.
“My God this is amazing! You have to teach my wife how to make this! Wow. Marvelous. Simply mouth watering.” Mr. Scott praised the heavenly tiramisu.
Even Channing loved the food, so much so, I almost forgot what an arrogant prick he was as he was so busy eating and not talking or smirking at me.
“I’ll clear the dishes, Aunty.” I told her once I had seen that everyone was finished eating.
“And I’ll help.” Channing announced out of nowhere. His parents were obviously shocked at this chivalrous offer, as was I. Ulterior motive, anyone?
“Nonsense, Channing. Your our guest!” My aunt protested in the process of getting up from her chair.
“No, really its fine, I insist. It’s the least I can do after being served such a delicious meal, Mrs. Scott.”
Really laying it on thick aren’t you, Mr. Cline? My aunts married you know, so you can stop that train of thought right there if you’re wanting to get in her pants too, Sicko.
Smiling butt-kissing Channing glanced at me as if he could hear my slanderous thoughts.
My aunt smiled at him, most likely thinking oh, what a sweet gentlemanly young man. “Well alright, if you insist.” She relented.
Okay, great, show’s over. I walked into the kitchen with a few plates and Channing right behind me with the rest. As the swinging door closed, I could hear his parents in the dining room lying through their teeth about how “yes, he does it all the time at home.” I rolled my eyes. Everyone at that table, except my oblivious, “always see the good in people” aunt and uncle, knew that Channing was anything but the angelic young gentleman.
“Okay, listen dude, I don’t know what you’re up to, trying to make my aunt and uncle think you’re some of innocent Little Boy Blue, but seriously, everyone but them can see right through you, as I’m sure you know.”
He laughed. Vault in the back of my head, threw away the key, bad thoughts, bad thoughts.
“Whoa whoa, calm down. I’m not some kind of con man with a big bad criminal plan.” He had his hands up in defense then put them down, pausing for a sec as if trying to figure out how to phrase what he was going to say next. “I just wanted to talk to you, away from the families.”
I was about to let the suspicion show blatantly on my face, but then I stopped myself. How was I playing this again? Hot and Cold? Or just cold? Because I think my natural instincts as Ice Queen against his type were kicking in, and I was forgetting about the game. Play it cool. Calm down. Who has the most control? Me. Why? Guys are easy. The exact opposite of Silly Putty; you play with that stuff, it’s soft and squishy and when you leave it alone, it gets hard.
I visibly relaxed, uncrossed my arms, and came out of my defensive stance.
Turning the slightly flirty voice on, but still slightly skeptical for believability’s sake, I asked, “Oh, is that so? And what exactly was it that you wanted to talk about that had to be done alone?”
He put his hands in his pockets slightly rocking back on his heels to give himself time to think about his answer to that. I noticed he was wearing red converse. Not that I’m about to say this about Mr. Douche Bag, but I love a guy in converse. Always have. So hot.
“Umm, tomorrow! Yeah, you know, our Tour Date.” He smirked.
Ah, good one, Chuck Taylor. Nice save, very smooth.
Letting my amusement show, I said, “First off, not a date, but what exactly would you like to discuss about it?”
He picked up some plates from off the counter and put them in the sink for something to do.
“You know, just stuff. Like what’s there to do in this town? It’s way smaller then Billings, where we used to live. Seems kind of…dead.”
“Oh, what are you insulting my town now, Montana? Mind if I call you that?” I laughed and before he could answer said, “Good, I like it. Anyways, yes there is stuff to do in Cape Town. There’s a pool in about every house in town and then there’s that big blue watery looking thing called the sea, if you’re into boating. My best friend has a boat, and he takes me and his girlfriend, my other best friend, out all the time. I might let you come along, if I decide I like you, which I haven’t done yet. Then there are yacht parties people throw. It’s kind of a free for all since it’s such a small town. If you go to Cape Town, which you now do, then you’re invited unless you get kicked out. That’d be a good way to meet people before school, and you got like two weeks. Also there’s The Lighthouse.”
“Like an actual lighthouse?” He sounded fascinated by the thought. Poor sheltered child.
“Been stuck in the mountains all your life, love?” I smiled at him. “Yes those are everywhere, but The Lighthouse I’m talking about is the best movie theater in town. It’s kind of small, but in an artsy cozy antique kind of way. It’s seriously awesome -- if you’re into that kind of thing. I can’t really tell if you’re the movie type from what I know about you, which isn’t much. All I got so far is morning person and jock – both my complete opposites.”
“Hey, we might have more in common than you think, Miss Scott. Yes, I love movies. That’s usually how I spend my free time.” He said. Hmm…interesting…
“Actually it’s Lovelle – my last name.” I informed him.
“Oh, my bad. Okay, Miss Lovelle then. So we should probably get back outside, everyone’s probably wondering what’s taking us so long. We can talk more tomorrow. ‘Cause, you know, we’ll have all day, alone, just you and me. Alone.” He winked suggestively, but I could tell he was just playing.
I rolled my eyes at him. “Yeah, thanks dude I got that. I’ll try to bear it. Let’s go.” I nodded towards the door.
“Ladies first.”
I arched my eyebrows as I looked up with him and my expression clearly said you? A gentleman? Scoff. Then I walked on in front of him to give him a clear view of my backside, which is what he wanted to see. Unfortunately for him, the dress didn’t show much.
~Channing~
The dress didn’t show much. I’d have to save my assessment of her ass for another time. What? I can’t help it. The beast inside of me just keeps coming out because the fact is I’m a man and she’s…she’s so enthralling without even trying to be. No amount of “down boy” is going to change my true nature.
When we came back to the dining room, everyone was already gone. There were voices coming from the living room so we reasonably deduced that they got tired of waiting for us and ditched.
“There you are! At least tell me you washed the dishes and that’s what took you so long.” Mrs. Scott laughed clearly amused. Actually with a little more amusement than the situation called for. My parents and Mr. Scott joined in like she had just told the funniest joke in the world.
Bingo.
Almost drained wine glasses and opened bottles. How long had we been in the kitchen now?
Marianne, sitting in a reclining chair in the corner, looked bored out of her mind. She looked at me, rolled her eyes, and then went back to her phone.
I looked at Leila, she shrugged.
“Okay, Parents Dearest, I think it’s time to say good night, it’s probably pretty late.” I took out my phone, which said 9:30. “Yep, it’s 9:30, and Mari’s pretty tired, aren’t you, sis?”
Mari put on the tired sad pout for our mom’s benefit. When in need, rely on a mother’s love. She still treated Mari like her little baby. Sucked for her.
“Oh, yes yes of course! We should really be getting home now.” My mom came back to reality.
“It was very nice to meet you, Lalita, Asher.” My dad put in. Handshakes were exchanged. “Thank you for the wonderful dinner.”
“Yeah, thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Scott.” I said, genuinely thankful for the great food. Mrs. Scott kicked ass at cooking, where as my mother…eh, not so much. Of course, I would never say that out loud.
My sister smiled, “Thank you.”
“I’ll call you sometime this week, Lalita, and you can teach me how to make that divine tiramisu.” My mom said to Mrs. Scott.
“Oh, that sounds wonderful, Jane. It was a lovely time. You guys have a good night now.” Mrs. Scott smiled at us as we were now at the door.
“And if you need any help with yard work and what not you give me a call too, Eric.” Mr. Scott offered.
“Will do, Asher.” They shook hands again.
My sister was already out the door.
“See you tomorrow, Leila.” I smiled at the pretty purple eyed girl.
She nodded her head at me and smiled ever so slightly. “See ya.”
As so soon as she was out of my sight, I knew it wouldn’t be easy getting that girl out of my head until I saw her again. Damn…this wasn’t good. At the same time though, I didn’t really mind.
Leila Lovelle, who are you and what the hell have you done to me?
~Leila~
Dear Someone,
So…I met this guy today. Well this guy + his whole family. They’re our new next door neighbors, the Coles, who just moved here from middle-of-nowhere Billings, Montana. They have a son and daughter – Channing, who’s in my grade and Marianne, a freshman.
Channing Cole a.k.a. “Montana” (as I so appropriately nicknamed him – total spur of the moment thing). It’s hard to describe my exact opinion towards him. He’s freaking flawlessly handsome. He has longish wavy/curly toasted waffle blond hair, the perfectly sculpted athlete’s body, and the deepest most penetrating emerald green eyes I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, they’re amazing.
See the thing is, he’s a player and arrogant and completely full of himself. All of this I could tell from his first smile/smirk. I know his type; I’ve gone to school with his type for 3 years. He likes to play games and he’s all about the conquest. He’s the kind of guy any smart girl would stay far far away from because he’s a horny sex-crazed bastard who breaks hearts for fun. I must not be very smart then. I don’t know, it’s just…there’s just something about him…something that I can’t quite place. Like there’s more him than just a player beneath the surface and his “I’m just a jock” outer layer. Like a cake. I’ve only tasted the first layer of him, but maybe there’s more or maybe I’m stupid and being poisoned by his hotness with “false hope” that I’ve meet a guy with the capacity to prove me wrong about the masculine sex. God knows. Hey man, that cake thing was kind of dirty wasn’t it? Haha, funny, I still like it though…my great analogies…okay, I’m mumbling, sleep is calling me. I’ll be back tomorrow and I’ll tell you all about my All Day Outing Alone with Montana (yeah, it’s a long story. Hint: it’s Aunty Lalita’s fault I’m stuck with him, but as they say…something something make the most of difficult situations. I will survive [good song too] and so on…)
"An Adams Family Portrait" [[among other things]]
good lord.
everytime i come back to this blog something new and comepletely different from my last post has happened. nothing ever stays the same for long....good thing or bad thing? i don't particularly know at the moment, but what i do know is that i am more than content living in my onw little world of fictional characters. hahah writing is like my comfort zone. i was up until 5something in the morning working one this old story that i forgot about last fall...i started it on one of those nights when something bad had happened and i just needed a quick fix, so to speak....that's what i do. make up a story as a place to channel all that "bad energy". i usually feel better afterword and tell myself "okay, i'll be back to keep working on it tomorrow." but i always end up forgetting or me too lazy or being fine the next day so not needing it. maybe i am "a user". haha yeahh maybee.
oh and by the way, blogggy, this is the last time i'm gonna be mentioning B, in this blog. him and i are...well it's complicated how it ended but it was a mutual thing and we're just living our own lives now apart from each other. he's off doin whatever a 15 year old guy does with his summer. [[girls, girls, more girls. the usual]] - catering to his hormones. i really don't wanna blame him for wanting some physical action after so long, i mean it's typical of a guy his age. but then there the love thing...and the "meant to be" thing, and the fact that thinking about him still twinges a bit. but it doesn't happen often anymore, so for that i'm thankful. time is a good thing. we've promised to talk every 6 months so we don't completely forget each other. and there's been no more of him in my life [[cept that one dream....uh really random]] until Decenmber 1st.
moving on.
heyyy i'm thinkin i'm gonna let u read the first [[super longgg]] chapter of my current W.I.P. story!!!!
ohh and also i might be transferring to a new school here since my fam is moving to this god-forsaken 5 acre plot of shit land and building a house.
OR i'll somehow beg my dad to let me live with him/kidnap me from the hellhole that is my house and mommy dearest and her husband. just because she's suffering in that marriage she wants me to suffer as part of the family. BULLSHIT.
an so yeah i'm at the library, outside of it since it's closed sitting on the HARD CONCRETE GROUND with my computer plugged into the wall charging [[finding the outlet=miracle!!]] and my butt is sore, all because once again i couldn't keep my mouth shut and just broke and told her like it was [[with no respect at all, but i mean come on, the 3 adults in this family are in some messed up shit, swimming aorund and drowning in it]] and she of course finally got an outlet for her pent up anger, yeah your welcome mommy. she has this warped sense of "us against her". like we're both out to get her, but i'm the only one she can control. it's like the movie, Lolita -- minues the MAJOR creepyness so only SLIGHTLY like it. ew. EW. okay bad comparison. i wish to god that i had stayed at boarding school or that she'd send me to one....i didn't remember what i was getting myself into and now she'll never let me leave.
sophmore, junior, senior years of hell here i come!!!!! bright side bright side? my writing world andddd SCHOOL -- 7 hours of not being at home. hellz yesss thank u very much ;)
*and i am so damn used to this new school, new ppl, new friends thing it's almost like a hobby now. sad truth right ther ;p
xoxo,
Sera
everytime i come back to this blog something new and comepletely different from my last post has happened. nothing ever stays the same for long....good thing or bad thing? i don't particularly know at the moment, but what i do know is that i am more than content living in my onw little world of fictional characters. hahah writing is like my comfort zone. i was up until 5something in the morning working one this old story that i forgot about last fall...i started it on one of those nights when something bad had happened and i just needed a quick fix, so to speak....that's what i do. make up a story as a place to channel all that "bad energy". i usually feel better afterword and tell myself "okay, i'll be back to keep working on it tomorrow." but i always end up forgetting or me too lazy or being fine the next day so not needing it. maybe i am "a user". haha yeahh maybee.
oh and by the way, blogggy, this is the last time i'm gonna be mentioning B, in this blog. him and i are...well it's complicated how it ended but it was a mutual thing and we're just living our own lives now apart from each other. he's off doin whatever a 15 year old guy does with his summer. [[girls, girls, more girls. the usual]] - catering to his hormones. i really don't wanna blame him for wanting some physical action after so long, i mean it's typical of a guy his age. but then there the love thing...and the "meant to be" thing, and the fact that thinking about him still twinges a bit. but it doesn't happen often anymore, so for that i'm thankful. time is a good thing. we've promised to talk every 6 months so we don't completely forget each other. and there's been no more of him in my life [[cept that one dream....uh really random]] until Decenmber 1st.
moving on.
heyyy i'm thinkin i'm gonna let u read the first [[super longgg]] chapter of my current W.I.P. story!!!!
ohh and also i might be transferring to a new school here since my fam is moving to this god-forsaken 5 acre plot of shit land and building a house.
OR i'll somehow beg my dad to let me live with him/kidnap me from the hellhole that is my house and mommy dearest and her husband. just because she's suffering in that marriage she wants me to suffer as part of the family. BULLSHIT.
an so yeah i'm at the library, outside of it since it's closed sitting on the HARD CONCRETE GROUND with my computer plugged into the wall charging [[finding the outlet=miracle!!]] and my butt is sore, all because once again i couldn't keep my mouth shut and just broke and told her like it was [[with no respect at all, but i mean come on, the 3 adults in this family are in some messed up shit, swimming aorund and drowning in it]] and she of course finally got an outlet for her pent up anger, yeah your welcome mommy. she has this warped sense of "us against her". like we're both out to get her, but i'm the only one she can control. it's like the movie, Lolita -- minues the MAJOR creepyness so only SLIGHTLY like it. ew. EW. okay bad comparison. i wish to god that i had stayed at boarding school or that she'd send me to one....i didn't remember what i was getting myself into and now she'll never let me leave.
sophmore, junior, senior years of hell here i come!!!!! bright side bright side? my writing world andddd SCHOOL -- 7 hours of not being at home. hellz yesss thank u very much ;)
*and i am so damn used to this new school, new ppl, new friends thing it's almost like a hobby now. sad truth right ther ;p
xoxo,
Sera
Monday, June 1, 2009
all smiles & summer <3
B's back in my life again, blogggy. i'll tell u the story sometime, promise. when i'm reallyyyy bored. besides i got ALLLL SUMMERRRR to document my boringggg life in here. hahah nice right?
ok later :D
P.S. I GOT MY PERMIT TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY <3
P.P.S. it's summer = NO SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. no worries [mostly]
ciao
xoxo
S
ok later :D
P.S. I GOT MY PERMIT TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY <3
P.P.S. it's summer = NO SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. no worries [mostly]
ciao
xoxo
S
Saturday, May 9, 2009
The Princess & The Player :: Chapter 1
Main Characters
.Aiden Locke.
.Delaney Adams.
Chapter One
-Aiden-
Delaney Vieira. God that girl was one crazy chick.
Always biting my head off about how I flirt with all these chicks behind Vicki’s back. I mean seriously, like my girlfriend really cares who I have a little fun with. All I am is her property; her trophy boy toy starting varsity Forward. We fulfill each others needs. That’s all she’s good for. She’s worse with other guys than I am with other girls. I don’t get jealous because I don’t really give a shit about her, but for some reason Laney still seems to think that as her boyfriend, I should be more committed and faithful and respectful blah blah because even though Vicki’s a cold hearted bitch (it’s a commonly acknowledged fact by the entire school population) she still has feelings, etc. etc.
***
“Aiden, come on! Seriously! I actually thought from being best friends with me – a girl, for what? 5 years! That you would know by now how to treat a woman. But no, instead you hook up with some random drunk chick at a party and complete forget about your girlfriend Victoria!”
Whack.
And with one slap upside the head and an annoyed sigh (or more like huff), she stormed out of my room.
“Ouch.” I rubbed my head. She was a hard hitter with her boney little hands.
I laughed.
***
Anyways, now here I am, lying on my bed in silence. Thinking.
About nothing and everything and women and how I ended up with such a difficult best friend. The guys understand, but still, I’m not as close to any of them as I am to Laney. She doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the fact that hormonal 17 year old boys have…needs – if you know what I’m saying. The female population is so very…vast. Why limit yourself to one when you can have fun with them all. Being the most popular guy at Knox and star of the Varsity soccer team, had its benefits. I could have whoever I wanted. Well…almost.
-Delaney-
Aiden Locke.
Pig.
He has absolutely no respect for the female gender! It’s not that I’m some raging hardcore feminist, it’s just every time he hooks up with some other girl when he’s taken, it always makes me think of what it would feel like if I were the girl he was cheating on.
Cheating boyfriends…ha, well let’s just say it’s a sensitive topic for me. Yeah, long story short, sophomore year I caught my first boyfriend (I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 – Mother Dearest’s rule), Jared Harrington, fucking my now ex-best friend and Aiden’s girlfriend at the time, Monica Langley, in a janitor’s closest during a guys varsity basketball game all four of us were at together. I later found out that they had been fooling around for a few weeks because they thought something was going on between Aiden and I, which was the most ridiculous thing ever, but we were so close, and people liked to assume things – the worst things.
Aiden and Monica were only together for like a month, but Jared and I had been dating for half a year, so it was worse for me. I lost my closest girl friend and my boyfriend at the same time, on the same day, in the same 3 minutes of shuffling to zip up pants and fix hair and re-do fucking lipstick. God, I still hate that bitch. She didn’t even have the balls to look ashamed for being such a slutbag. Jared at least tried to beg for my forgiveness for a few weeks, wanting me to take him back because he made a huge mistake and wanted me back, even after Aiden beat him to a pulp for hurting me and for giving his girlfriend a quickie in the closet. Of course, I doubt he cared as much as he should have about her. He was just protecting me.
I got through it though because I had him. I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since him though. And that was like a year and a half ago. I honestly think I just lost my trust in guys. All they seem to know how to think with is their dick. I mean, I’ve had offers. A lot. “You’re Delaney Viera…oh my…wow…will you be my girlfriend?”-s from random freshman/sophomore boys in the hallways. Various, oh so casual, “Hey Delaney, wanna grab some pizza at The Shack or something with me this weekend?”-s from slightly sweating Junior/Senior boys my age. The Pizza Shack was the best pizza place in East Miami.
I laughed. Good memories.
However, I politely turned each and every tanned toned jock and little underclassman down because even though I’m a nice girl and if the past had gone differently I would give some of these guys a change, I kind of enjoy living up to my reputation for being the unattainable exotic-looking girl every guy wants, but none can have. I’m not a cheerleader. I don’t spend all my free time at the mall because I prefer renting or going out to the movies with Aiden, or playing basketball/soccer with him. I seriously am a guy at heart, from hanging with him 24/7 for all these years how could I not be? But I know where to draw the line, and I can’t help the fact that I don’t want my best friend to be like the boy who cheated on me. But I don’t think I can ever change him. Once a player, always a player…and I still can’t help but love the stupid douche bag. It’s our whole unconditional bfff thing.
Oh, look. I have arrived.
Getting to my parking space on the side of the fountain, I killed the engine, took out the keys, opened, and shut the door of my ’67 Chevy Impala.
I looked up at the ridiculously huge mansion.
Home sweet home.
-Aiden-
Delaney Vieira. God that girl was one crazy chick.
Always biting my head off about how I flirt with all these chicks behind Vicki’s back. I mean seriously, like my girlfriend really cares who I have a little fun with. All I am is her property; her trophy boy toy starting varsity Forward. We fulfill each others needs. That’s all she’s good for. She’s worse with other guys than I am with other girls. I don’t get jealous because I don’t really give a shit about her, but for some reason Laney still seems to think that as her boyfriend, I should be more committed and faithful and respectful blah blah because even though Vicki’s a cold hearted bitch (it’s a commonly acknowledged fact by the entire school population) she still has feelings, etc. etc.
***
“Aiden, come on! Seriously! I actually thought from being best friends with me – a girl, for what? 5 years! That you would know by now how to treat a woman. But no, instead you hook up with some random drunk chick at a party and complete forget about your girlfriend Victoria!”
Whack.
And with one slap upside the head and an annoyed sigh (or more like huff), she stormed out of my room.
“Ouch.” I rubbed my head. She was a hard hitter with her boney little hands.
I laughed.
***
Anyways, now here I am, lying on my bed in silence. Thinking.
About nothing and everything and women and how I ended up with such a difficult best friend. The guys understand, but still, I’m not as close to any of them as I am to Laney. She doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the fact that hormonal 17 year old boys have…needs – if you know what I’m saying. The female population is so very…vast. Why limit yourself to one when you can have fun with them all. Being the most popular guy at Knox and star of the Varsity soccer team, had its benefits. I could have whoever I wanted. Well…almost.
-Delaney-
Aiden Locke.
Pig.
He has absolutely no respect for the female gender! It’s not that I’m some raging hardcore feminist, it’s just every time he hooks up with some other girl when he’s taken, it always makes me think of what it would feel like if I were the girl he was cheating on.
Cheating boyfriends…ha, well let’s just say it’s a sensitive topic for me. Yeah, long story short, sophomore year I caught my first boyfriend (I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 – Mother Dearest’s rule), Jared Harrington, fucking my now ex-best friend and Aiden’s girlfriend at the time, Monica Langley, in a janitor’s closest during a guys varsity basketball game all four of us were at together. I later found out that they had been fooling around for a few weeks because they thought something was going on between Aiden and I, which was the most ridiculous thing ever, but we were so close, and people liked to assume things – the worst things.
Aiden and Monica were only together for like a month, but Jared and I had been dating for half a year, so it was worse for me. I lost my closest girl friend and my boyfriend at the same time, on the same day, in the same 3 minutes of shuffling to zip up pants and fix hair and re-do fucking lipstick. God, I still hate that bitch. She didn’t even have the balls to look ashamed for being such a slutbag. Jared at least tried to beg for my forgiveness for a few weeks, wanting me to take him back because he made a huge mistake and wanted me back, even after Aiden beat him to a pulp for hurting me and for giving his girlfriend a quickie in the closet. Of course, I doubt he cared as much as he should have about her. He was just protecting me.
I got through it though because I had him. I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since him though. And that was like a year and a half ago. I honestly think I just lost my trust in guys. All they seem to know how to think with is their dick. I mean, I’ve had offers. A lot. “You’re Delaney Viera…oh my…wow…will you be my girlfriend?”-s from random freshman/sophomore boys in the hallways. Various, oh so casual, “Hey Delaney, wanna grab some pizza at The Shack or something with me this weekend?”-s from slightly sweating Junior/Senior boys my age. The Pizza Shack was the best pizza place in East Miami.
I laughed. Good memories.
However, I politely turned each and every tanned toned jock and little underclassman down because even though I’m a nice girl and if the past had gone differently I would give some of these guys a change, I kind of enjoy living up to my reputation for being the unattainable exotic-looking girl every guy wants, but none can have. I’m not a cheerleader. I don’t spend all my free time at the mall because I prefer renting or going out to the movies with Aiden, or playing basketball/soccer with him. I seriously am a guy at heart, from hanging with him 24/7 for all these years how could I not be? But I know where to draw the line, and I can’t help the fact that I don’t want my best friend to be like the boy who cheated on me. But I don’t think I can ever change him. Once a player, always a player…and I still can’t help but love the stupid douche bag. It’s our whole unconditional bfff thing.
Oh, look. I have arrived.
Getting to my parking space on the side of the fountain, I killed the engine, took out the keys, opened, and shut the door of my ’67 Chevy Impala.
I looked up at the ridiculously huge mansion.
Home sweet home.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
hello nobody. and everybody. and anybody ,
how r u this lovely rainy gorgeous sunday evening?
i am quite well, thank u for asking.
what i'm currently occupying my mind with is my newest attempt at a novella. these 2 new characters just sorta popped out of my head and begged to be written down. it's going to be loosely based on a past relationship of mine because fictionalizing the relaity that is my life is just...so much fun :)
& they hav the coolest names ever i like 'em
Delaney Vieira & Aiden Locke
pretty. hahah ;P
so i think i'll post stuff on here and find somewhere else. reading & writing == back to basics. this summer in my free time hmmmm ill hav lots to do ;)
off to procrastinate and try to keep my mind from slipping away...i almost cried again today...almost. but the tears, i wouldn't let them fall. i just think of him, randomly, out of nowhere. and that he's gone forever. and that he left me. my heart breaks again every time. & then i ignore it...and pray that time will hurry up and make me forget he ever existed
love S
how r u this lovely rainy gorgeous sunday evening?
i am quite well, thank u for asking.
what i'm currently occupying my mind with is my newest attempt at a novella. these 2 new characters just sorta popped out of my head and begged to be written down. it's going to be loosely based on a past relationship of mine because fictionalizing the relaity that is my life is just...so much fun :)
& they hav the coolest names ever i like 'em
Delaney Vieira & Aiden Locke
pretty. hahah ;P
so i think i'll post stuff on here and find somewhere else. reading & writing == back to basics. this summer in my free time hmmmm ill hav lots to do ;)
off to procrastinate and try to keep my mind from slipping away...i almost cried again today...almost. but the tears, i wouldn't let them fall. i just think of him, randomly, out of nowhere. and that he's gone forever. and that he left me. my heart breaks again every time. & then i ignore it...and pray that time will hurry up and make me forget he ever existed
love S
Thursday, April 23, 2009
heyyyy!
hi there :)
so it's been like.....Awhile huh?
i kno i kno. life's been a little crazy/sucky/stressful/alright lately haha =]
i had my first outdoor track meet of the season today. i had only been to one -- the 1st of the indoor season -- and it was pretty no so good lol but this one i liked.
i hadn't been to practice for like exactly 2 weeks and was completely out of shape except for 5 sprints some long jump run thrus and a javlin "how to throw" refresher.
only did three events ~ jav was hilariously bad but it didn't get me down :) threw less than 50 every time haha and those went unmarked. the 100 was seriously pretty good for being untrained. i got like 14.9 i think the results were confusing =/ and the other said like 14.59 i think so i liked the 1st better obviously hahah. and then long jump [[which was first]] ahhhh! it was so cool. 1st scratch. 2nd like 12something. 3rd i get like 13.9 :D my personal best. i seriously have the confidence that once i practice more and get back in shape i could up that to 16 and get to state. i pray. so that's like my main priority now with the season being like so short cause of the flood and blah blah but ya im totally good/pumped. and sore as ever uhg not even funny. and now i gotta go wash my clothes, shower, and study for some tests. oh and sleep :D so ya bye! ill be back soon-er this time haha
sarah jane <3
p.s. oh & also i got to State in Speech and took 8th place in Prose, which totally suprised me seeing as how i thought my speech was boring/i really disliked it ;p haha but i can't wait for next year! & the Foresnics Banquet next wednesdayyy oh crap and i gotta fill out this application for Youth Leardship thingy dude TOMORROW.
and also, my ex-boyfriend/best friend [[that kid named Beau, iv probably mentioned him in here before i forget]] literally deleted me from his life a few days ago. hahah sounds so tragic right? but i'm not as broken up as i thought i'd be. wish it happened a little differntly...and i still think about him but i'm good...i feel...free :)
.&. love is just a game .<3.
so it's been like.....Awhile huh?
i kno i kno. life's been a little crazy/sucky/stressful/alright lately haha =]
i had my first outdoor track meet of the season today. i had only been to one -- the 1st of the indoor season -- and it was pretty no so good lol but this one i liked.
i hadn't been to practice for like exactly 2 weeks and was completely out of shape except for 5 sprints some long jump run thrus and a javlin "how to throw" refresher.
only did three events ~ jav was hilariously bad but it didn't get me down :) threw less than 50 every time haha and those went unmarked. the 100 was seriously pretty good for being untrained. i got like 14.9 i think the results were confusing =/ and the other said like 14.59 i think so i liked the 1st better obviously hahah. and then long jump [[which was first]] ahhhh! it was so cool. 1st scratch. 2nd like 12something. 3rd i get like 13.9 :D my personal best. i seriously have the confidence that once i practice more and get back in shape i could up that to 16 and get to state. i pray. so that's like my main priority now with the season being like so short cause of the flood and blah blah but ya im totally good/pumped. and sore as ever uhg not even funny. and now i gotta go wash my clothes, shower, and study for some tests. oh and sleep :D so ya bye! ill be back soon-er this time haha
sarah jane <3
p.s. oh & also i got to State in Speech and took 8th place in Prose, which totally suprised me seeing as how i thought my speech was boring/i really disliked it ;p haha but i can't wait for next year! & the Foresnics Banquet next wednesdayyy oh crap and i gotta fill out this application for Youth Leardship thingy dude TOMORROW.
and also, my ex-boyfriend/best friend [[that kid named Beau, iv probably mentioned him in here before i forget]] literally deleted me from his life a few days ago. hahah sounds so tragic right? but i'm not as broken up as i thought i'd be. wish it happened a little differntly...and i still think about him but i'm good...i feel...free :)
.&. love is just a game .<3.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Fargo Flood '09
heyyyyy there :)
so u kno maybe i'm a bad person....ya that could be it. cause i don't care if my house get's flooded? or care about the flood fighting efforts anymore -- even tho i did like 2 days ago.
omg. shoot me. i fucking just hate fargo right now. and the people in this house. i seriously would like to fucking strangle someone. uhg that bitch. i hate my parents.
haha ok ok lots of anger in that paragraph. my bad. it's just...a long story. well not really all that long even...really ya no....its not. damn it
i cannot write right now. i hav to get my life back in order so i don't go insane and then ill be back k promise
bye :) ?
so u kno maybe i'm a bad person....ya that could be it. cause i don't care if my house get's flooded? or care about the flood fighting efforts anymore -- even tho i did like 2 days ago.
omg. shoot me. i fucking just hate fargo right now. and the people in this house. i seriously would like to fucking strangle someone. uhg that bitch. i hate my parents.
haha ok ok lots of anger in that paragraph. my bad. it's just...a long story. well not really all that long even...really ya no....its not. damn it
i cannot write right now. i hav to get my life back in order so i don't go insane and then ill be back k promise
bye :) ?
Monday, March 16, 2009
happy birthday sarah {me}
so today's my brithday...ya pretty intense. ima whole year older. whoa. lol we wont "disclose" my actual age cause well jus causse haha.
on big holidays like this one i like to think back on where i was exacly a year ago....and exactly a year ago from today i was in missoula...hmm....
ok u kno what? no. im not gonna do this -- the whole "talk about how im FEELING". no. there's no point. im not gonna talk at all and tell u anything because that wont do anything. nothing will change i wont figure out what i want to change what i want why im like this NOTHING
all i want is to sleep...for a very long time....
i dont want to make mistakes anymore. or trust people. or trust someone to make u happy because they will always let u down. in the end. always.
i wish i didn't have a heart. life would be so much simplier.
I am a little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make sense
I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out
So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(No)
(Hear me out now)
(You're gonna listen to me, like it or not)
(Right now)
(Hear me out now)
(You're gonna listen to me, like it or not)
(Right now)
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
I can't feel
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
{Faint} by Linkin Park
on big holidays like this one i like to think back on where i was exacly a year ago....and exactly a year ago from today i was in missoula...hmm....
ok u kno what? no. im not gonna do this -- the whole "talk about how im FEELING". no. there's no point. im not gonna talk at all and tell u anything because that wont do anything. nothing will change i wont figure out what i want to change what i want why im like this NOTHING
all i want is to sleep...for a very long time....
i dont want to make mistakes anymore. or trust people. or trust someone to make u happy because they will always let u down. in the end. always.
i wish i didn't have a heart. life would be so much simplier.
I am a little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make sense
I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out
So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(No)
(Hear me out now)
(You're gonna listen to me, like it or not)
(Right now)
(Hear me out now)
(You're gonna listen to me, like it or not)
(Right now)
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(I can't feel the way I did before)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
(Time won't heal this damage anymore)
(Don't turn your back on me)
(I won't be ignored)
I can't feel
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
{Faint} by Linkin Park
Friday, March 13, 2009
hi :)
heyyyyy there :)
ya i kno, its been awhile since iv been on here...super busy with track and speech stuff -- as usual. and jus tired. haha ya i miss my sleep. which is what i really should be doin right now AS WELL AS studying for my premit test that im takin on March 16th -- tuesday = my bday :D hehe OMGEEEEEEEEEEEE! i shall be a WHOLE 15! whoa. hmm i wonder if disclosing ur age on a public internet blogg is safe? haha o o spagetthio. *snort* o well. whatev. i hav faith in people -- to not be stalkers and well u know....stalk me. ew. lol
*sigh*
and i havent been working on my story either...which is probably not good. it's like once a month i post a new chapter -- on "FicionCentral" yaya it sounds nerdy but it's pretty cool. easy publish. or somethin like that haha. so that would make o wow March 16th the deadline for chapter 3! how cool :) ok ill get right on that.......possibly ;)
so i got track practice tomorrow from 9 - 11. woooooooooo. NOT. i SKIPPED A 3 DAY SPEECH MEET IN FRICKIN MIDDLE OF NOWHERE JUST SO I COULD SLEEP LATE ON MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND. and yes i said weekend -- haha im a selfish child i make the whole weekend "mine". hehe. i mean haha. hehe's i have decided r gay. i mean stupid. so ya.... =p
*dirty south, can y'all really feel me? east coast feel me. west coast feel me*
o great song yes indeed. Aaliyah rocks <3 haha
ok dude i really need to like study my booklet thingy for a few minutes then crash
im all sore from hangling cleans. TrapBlockekalkjhglahs something or the other idk what 1/2 these things r called in the weightroom but no matter. i love track :D
kk adios amigos
voy hablar con tu luego!
*snort*
if u kno what that means ;)
[i so wish i knew french -- sounds prettier]
haha ok fo realz. bye!
sarah*jane <333333333333333 less then 3's u, my homies :D ------ or not ok that works too
ya i kno, its been awhile since iv been on here...super busy with track and speech stuff -- as usual. and jus tired. haha ya i miss my sleep. which is what i really should be doin right now AS WELL AS studying for my premit test that im takin on March 16th -- tuesday = my bday :D hehe OMGEEEEEEEEEEEE! i shall be a WHOLE 15! whoa. hmm i wonder if disclosing ur age on a public internet blogg is safe? haha o o spagetthio. *snort* o well. whatev. i hav faith in people -- to not be stalkers and well u know....stalk me. ew. lol
*sigh*
and i havent been working on my story either...which is probably not good. it's like once a month i post a new chapter -- on "FicionCentral" yaya it sounds nerdy but it's pretty cool. easy publish. or somethin like that haha. so that would make o wow March 16th the deadline for chapter 3! how cool :) ok ill get right on that.......possibly ;)
so i got track practice tomorrow from 9 - 11. woooooooooo. NOT. i SKIPPED A 3 DAY SPEECH MEET IN FRICKIN MIDDLE OF NOWHERE JUST SO I COULD SLEEP LATE ON MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND. and yes i said weekend -- haha im a selfish child i make the whole weekend "mine". hehe. i mean haha. hehe's i have decided r gay. i mean stupid. so ya.... =p
*dirty south, can y'all really feel me? east coast feel me. west coast feel me*
o great song yes indeed. Aaliyah rocks <3 haha
ok dude i really need to like study my booklet thingy for a few minutes then crash
im all sore from hangling cleans. TrapBlockekalkjhglahs something or the other idk what 1/2 these things r called in the weightroom but no matter. i love track :D
kk adios amigos
voy hablar con tu luego!
*snort*
if u kno what that means ;)
[i so wish i knew french -- sounds prettier]
haha ok fo realz. bye!
sarah*jane <333333333333333 less then 3's u, my homies :D ------ or not ok that works too
Sunday, March 8, 2009
trying not to break but im so tired of this deceit...take everything from the inside and throw it all aways cause i swear for the last time...
i wont trust myself with u
i won't waste myself on you
u kno u gota problem when a song with lyrics like that reminds u of ur best friend.
i mean really dont u agree?
good lord.
k so anyhoo, hello =]
long time no...blogg. *snort*
ya iv been pretty busy-ish. track/speech combo. is a killer =p
kinda sorta alot has happened since last time i wrote here...
well for one my internet is shitty. it keeps cuttin off cause im using this "default unsecured network" haha ya i dunno. whatev. im just gonna keep writing. causeeeeeee that's what i do. write.
write.
write.
because why? well i don't really know. actually i dont kno ALOT. kinda the dumbest "smart" ]supposedly] chick ull ever meet. if u ever meet me. whoever u r....probably not. haha crepper! if ur creppin go away now thank u ok bye.
so as i was sayin non-creepers. whoever u r, a lots has happened.
well before last night shit was good....then bad stupid shit happened. comes and punches in the the face and now im currently nursing a festering re-opened womb.
i think it could be called.....falling for ur best friend. again. giving him ur heart to keep because u trust him more than any other boy then him letting u down - syndrome.
but it's my fault. i'm an idiot. i guess i thought that maybe it was possible for things not to completely change sometimes....like when u leave a place and leave people behind...i hoped that maybe one thing - one relationship would always stay the same. and one friend whould never leave. i made a mistake in letting myself believe that. iv made so many mistakes because really when it all comes down to it the only person there is to blame is myself.
i know how to be alone. and how to have no friends. here with you.
it's a....a soul-hurt [Neil Gaiman is my hero. best quotes ever]. deep rips u apart pain. in comparision to loosing a boyfriend, it's just as bad...especially when u love ur best friend more than u proabably should. did i mention im an idiot? and possiply have a slight masochism fettish OR SOMETHING I DONT KNOW.
god help me.
karma [if u r at work here] ur a bitch
life. ur a bitch too.
one minute ur on top
the next ur not
watch it drop
making ur heart stop
just before u hit the floor
over and over again. it comes around and around. the bad shit the mistakes. won't go away.
yup. gotta love it
S
i won't waste myself on you
u kno u gota problem when a song with lyrics like that reminds u of ur best friend.
i mean really dont u agree?
good lord.
k so anyhoo, hello =]
long time no...blogg. *snort*
ya iv been pretty busy-ish. track/speech combo. is a killer =p
kinda sorta alot has happened since last time i wrote here...
well for one my internet is shitty. it keeps cuttin off cause im using this "default unsecured network" haha ya i dunno. whatev. im just gonna keep writing. causeeeeeee that's what i do. write.
write.
write.
because why? well i don't really know. actually i dont kno ALOT. kinda the dumbest "smart" ]supposedly] chick ull ever meet. if u ever meet me. whoever u r....probably not. haha crepper! if ur creppin go away now thank u ok bye.
so as i was sayin non-creepers. whoever u r, a lots has happened.
well before last night shit was good....then bad stupid shit happened. comes and punches in the the face and now im currently nursing a festering re-opened womb.
i think it could be called.....falling for ur best friend. again. giving him ur heart to keep because u trust him more than any other boy then him letting u down - syndrome.
but it's my fault. i'm an idiot. i guess i thought that maybe it was possible for things not to completely change sometimes....like when u leave a place and leave people behind...i hoped that maybe one thing - one relationship would always stay the same. and one friend whould never leave. i made a mistake in letting myself believe that. iv made so many mistakes because really when it all comes down to it the only person there is to blame is myself.
i know how to be alone. and how to have no friends. here with you.
it's a....a soul-hurt [Neil Gaiman is my hero. best quotes ever]. deep rips u apart pain. in comparision to loosing a boyfriend, it's just as bad...especially when u love ur best friend more than u proabably should. did i mention im an idiot? and possiply have a slight masochism fettish OR SOMETHING I DONT KNOW.
god help me.
karma [if u r at work here] ur a bitch
life. ur a bitch too.
one minute ur on top
the next ur not
watch it drop
making ur heart stop
just before u hit the floor
over and over again. it comes around and around. the bad shit the mistakes. won't go away.
yup. gotta love it
S
Saturday, February 28, 2009
i wish everyone was loved tonight and somehow stop this endless fight ~ just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.... <3
u kno what an amazing song?
Better Days by The Goo Goo Dolls
*sigh*
that song keeps me sane,,,every time when im feel myself loosing my grip on myself...my "ok"-ness....i listen to it, and it makes me better. it gives me that renewed sense of hope -- to keep going. to keep looking for whatever it is im looking or...longing to find....or feel. some sense of pure...security...sureness. unwavering. however one finds something like that. something in this world.
i fidn that sometimes...lately, its harder for me to brethe and y is that? it comes and it goes....anxiety maybe. possibly. something....
this year has been a rollercoaster for me. so many places so many people so many emotions changing and forever staying the same
people i meet. people i loose. people i see for who they really are. am i wrapped up in this world? i try not to...try to distance myself from the.....from the shit. that bad shit. but i always somehow managed to find some anyways. but that's alright. i like to think that even when i feel like im suffering im surviving too because i havent given up yet. im still standing and breathing and moving and living. one day at a time. everything has to get better eventually.....doesnt it?
one day i'll figure it out....i hope :)
love <3
sarah*jane
Better Days by The Goo Goo Dolls
*sigh*
that song keeps me sane,,,every time when im feel myself loosing my grip on myself...my "ok"-ness....i listen to it, and it makes me better. it gives me that renewed sense of hope -- to keep going. to keep looking for whatever it is im looking or...longing to find....or feel. some sense of pure...security...sureness. unwavering. however one finds something like that. something in this world.
i fidn that sometimes...lately, its harder for me to brethe and y is that? it comes and it goes....anxiety maybe. possibly. something....
this year has been a rollercoaster for me. so many places so many people so many emotions changing and forever staying the same
people i meet. people i loose. people i see for who they really are. am i wrapped up in this world? i try not to...try to distance myself from the.....from the shit. that bad shit. but i always somehow managed to find some anyways. but that's alright. i like to think that even when i feel like im suffering im surviving too because i havent given up yet. im still standing and breathing and moving and living. one day at a time. everything has to get better eventually.....doesnt it?
one day i'll figure it out....i hope :)
love <3
sarah*jane
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Boston? or nowhere....
i wish there was a "Boston" [as in the song by Augustana if u were wonderin]
i could go to
and start a new life
and start over where no one knows my name
i think i need a new town to leave this all behind
do u know what it's like to...to have no human contact...in a sense. outside of my family.
god u kno what i dont even kno what exactly it is or why exactly im so...screwy. what the fuck do i want?! i wish i knew.
but this world will never be what i expected
and if i don't belong...
even if u say...it'll be alright...
why am i so...so "down on life"? i dont kno if that's a good word but how else do i describe it
words rn't enough. words r never enough.
have u ever...have u ever craved the touch of someone u love. someone who you've chosen to love and who's chosen to love u and who u cant stop loving, be they ur best friend or something more. when i say i crave human contact that doesn't mean no one has touched me or hugged me or gave me a kiss because my mom and my little brothes ans sis do that all the time. but it's not the same. sometimes i think that maybe ur heart is split into two halves. one half that's reserved for ur family - the ones ur stuck with whether u like it or not. the ones ur supposed to love no matter what cause their ur blood.
then the other half of your heart is for the ones u choose to love...or u fall into love with...
human feelings r so strange. what is love? that feeling u get that just makes u kno how much u care about a person no matter how far they are away from u or no matter how many time u get to see them a year because there's just this feeling...that love thing. that doesn't fade or go away even if u stop talking for awhile...in the end...maybe love really does conqueor all
hmmm....naive? maybe. maybe...but i'd rather not find out anytime soon
u know what's really annoying...having such a loose grip on ur sanity sometimes...like me right now...i need music & i need to write. that's the best way i kno how to let it all out. and let it all go. and get back on my feet..or do whatever it is i do to keep going everyday
see when u have got..."issues" that rnt simple enough to be just "solved" like that
it kinda seems to me like u just have 2 options
WALLOW
or
IGNORE
both r horrible. ignore is better...or is it tho really? cause i mean then all that stuff just like....festers inside u until u EXPLODE like a long fuse. and that's bad....but is it worse than walloing in it? in "self-pity" as they say
i could go to
and start a new life
and start over where no one knows my name
i think i need a new town to leave this all behind
because im always running from something...or to something, and i can never seem to stop
do u know what it's like to...to have no human contact...in a sense. outside of my family.
god u kno what i dont even kno what exactly it is or why exactly im so...screwy. what the fuck do i want?! i wish i knew.
but this world will never be what i expected
and if i don't belong...
even if u say...it'll be alright...
why am i so...so "down on life"? i dont kno if that's a good word but how else do i describe it
words rn't enough. words r never enough.
have u ever...have u ever craved the touch of someone u love. someone who you've chosen to love and who's chosen to love u and who u cant stop loving, be they ur best friend or something more. when i say i crave human contact that doesn't mean no one has touched me or hugged me or gave me a kiss because my mom and my little brothes ans sis do that all the time. but it's not the same. sometimes i think that maybe ur heart is split into two halves. one half that's reserved for ur family - the ones ur stuck with whether u like it or not. the ones ur supposed to love no matter what cause their ur blood.
then the other half of your heart is for the ones u choose to love...or u fall into love with...
human feelings r so strange. what is love? that feeling u get that just makes u kno how much u care about a person no matter how far they are away from u or no matter how many time u get to see them a year because there's just this feeling...that love thing. that doesn't fade or go away even if u stop talking for awhile...in the end...maybe love really does conqueor all
hmmm....naive? maybe. maybe...but i'd rather not find out anytime soon
u know what's really annoying...having such a loose grip on ur sanity sometimes...like me right now...i need music & i need to write. that's the best way i kno how to let it all out. and let it all go. and get back on my feet..or do whatever it is i do to keep going everyday
see when u have got..."issues" that rnt simple enough to be just "solved" like that
it kinda seems to me like u just have 2 options
WALLOW
or
IGNORE
both r horrible. ignore is better...or is it tho really? cause i mean then all that stuff just like....festers inside u until u EXPLODE like a long fuse. and that's bad....but is it worse than walloing in it? in "self-pity" as they say
i don't really know you now....maybe im doin it wrong...this whole living life thing. what do u think?
u wanna kno a secret?
i'm probably one of the lonelyest people u will ever meet -- if u were to meet me
of course u wouldn't be able to tell by just "looking" at me & right away BAM!
u kno?
nope. i hide it well when i want to and with certain people...like @ this new school of mine. no one knows the real me - the girl who's grip on her sanity is hanging by a thread - no, not many get to see her, and the ones who do...i dont like making other people listen to my shit. even my....friends. because it is tru - "depressing people" make other people depressed. but i cant always fake it when i get the wayi get & pretend to be happy and cheery, no i dont do that because it's stupid and fake. i can be actually happy but when im not im...well not.
god i have so much in my head and heart and damn soul that i want to let go of or somehow fix and make all better. writing it down and acknowledging it...what does this do?
it hurts so much to let myself admit this but the truth is...no one can save me but myself. im so distanced from all the people i loved and who were my past, and now...now im fucked because i thought i was alright alone but now im not so sure. i thought i was past it hurting but maybe it never stops because im only human and im always going to want someone who cares...another person who chooses to care.
is all this sentimental and sappy and naive? that this is my head and what goes on in it? for the most part...my written words cant even explain it exactly how i feel it but it was worth a shot.
now im gonna tell u about my one of my best friends. we'll call him, B.
i talked bout him before actually in the last post before this one and well i just wanted to say one thing.
this weekend he started to actually truly miss me again, so much that it hurt. he blamed karma. we hadent talked in awhile because he was busy with...life, and didn't fell like talking to me - that sounds harsh but that's pretty much how it was.
he told me it was his fault that we had grown so much apart and that we barely talked anymore. it was his fault that he was never there for me anymore, and lots of other stuff but the thing is
after that email, after i talked to him again maybe he realized that i did still have a weight on my chest too because i missed him. when i let myself. when i dont talk to him its easy to live my life. when i forget him. but maybe now that he thinks he hasnt lost me and that my friendships not as unattainable as he thought it had become he doesn't want it as much anymore. all that could happen in a few days. that's fucked up. is that really how much faith i have in people? our relationship has never and will never be simple...it's worse than a "couple" who fights alot because we can't just go and "break up". we have to fix things. its so hard sometimes but y do we do it? i do it cause i love him & our complicated shit is y no one else in the world can have as awesome/messed up of a relationship as him & i do. u gotta go thru the bad, if the good times r worth it. u kno?
he said he'd never leave me again...last night when we were dealing with our issues but what...what i don't like is wondering. if i don't talk to him one day, i wonder if i wont the next day and the next and the next and it'll happen all over again. but i guess....i guess it's back to that trust thing right
i have this problem tho...he's lost my trust before because of something he did and i resented him for it, i could never trust him again. and even kno when im trying to change and get us to be better i think i just...forgot...how to trust people. people...my friends..the ones who'e let me down. they messed me up. and its so fucking weak of me to be that affected by other people but i am. i cant change it. and i have no idea what to do. i'm scared that nothings ever gonna change and that im always gonna have this whole in my chest that comes and goes whether its cause of B or cause of everyone else as well. and when i let myself cry, it's so scary. how much it hurts. how it feels like my heart is literally breaking. am i really that....fragile? and unstable? and weak. i guess so. but that's on the inside. on the outside i'm angry. at myself and at the people who i blame for making me like this but is it really someone else's fault? that's a good questions...i dont know the answer
well i'm gonna go now...ya so ill be back someone....maybe when i get a hold of my sanity...or somethin :)
later,
sarah*jane
Monday, February 16, 2009
[Loss] - the third L of this AmAzInG BloGg :D
hey, u wanna kno a secret? [well besides the fact that im supposed to be doing my hw right now]
i have these 2 best friends, they're both boys and for "confidentiality sake" we'll call them
Tall Boy
and
Short Boy
[haha o that's funny]
so anywho, tall boy has been my friend since last....hmm around April i think, when we went out for 2 weeks...just cause but then broke up and i think that was the best thing that's ever happened to me because tall boy is now my best friend in the world and i wouldn't have known him if we never had our "thing" haha ;) o and it's his bday today :) random = moving on
now on to short boy
eh. well this story's a bit more complicated. but ill shorten it up. when i came to a new school in 7th grade in then beautiful state of Montana [Missoula to be exact] short boy was nice to me [eventually] and decided to befriend me because i was an awesome black girl and he liked my hair [it was curly (then cause now's it boring and wavy/stright) - mix of straight asian and black ppl hair hahah, pretty cool]. so ya we were tight for a while till that summer rolled around and officially he started to like me as more than a friend [wayyy more] [yup i kno this story well, y im digging back in my memory to tell it? no clue] and blah blah i wasnt allowed to date cause my mother's like a nun [only married] but eventually i was just like screw dat and we went out -- off and on relationship thru all of 8th grade and he was the 1st boy i ever loved.
then i moved.
and we stayed as close as we cold - we became just best friends [course it took a while for the "more than friendly feelings to pass - me = like 6 months]
but eventually...after those 6 months...somethin happened with our friendship. alot of things...messed up. but bottom line is we're not so close anymore. him and me. actually we don't take at all. ever. it's been awhile. since we had a fight like a month ago i think. idk time goes so fast...but ya that's all i wanted to say...and i miss him, i won't lie and say i don't. he'll always have a part of me...no matter how things r between us
it's sad how life can be sometimes, when u loose the people u care about...just cause
alright later... :)
s*j
i have these 2 best friends, they're both boys and for "confidentiality sake" we'll call them
Tall Boy
and
Short Boy
[haha o that's funny]
so anywho, tall boy has been my friend since last....hmm around April i think, when we went out for 2 weeks...just cause but then broke up and i think that was the best thing that's ever happened to me because tall boy is now my best friend in the world and i wouldn't have known him if we never had our "thing" haha ;) o and it's his bday today :) random = moving on
now on to short boy
eh. well this story's a bit more complicated. but ill shorten it up. when i came to a new school in 7th grade in then beautiful state of Montana [Missoula to be exact] short boy was nice to me [eventually] and decided to befriend me because i was an awesome black girl and he liked my hair [it was curly (then cause now's it boring and wavy/stright) - mix of straight asian and black ppl hair hahah, pretty cool]. so ya we were tight for a while till that summer rolled around and officially he started to like me as more than a friend [wayyy more] [yup i kno this story well, y im digging back in my memory to tell it? no clue] and blah blah i wasnt allowed to date cause my mother's like a nun [only married] but eventually i was just like screw dat and we went out -- off and on relationship thru all of 8th grade and he was the 1st boy i ever loved.
then i moved.
and we stayed as close as we cold - we became just best friends [course it took a while for the "more than friendly feelings to pass - me = like 6 months]
but eventually...after those 6 months...somethin happened with our friendship. alot of things...messed up. but bottom line is we're not so close anymore. him and me. actually we don't take at all. ever. it's been awhile. since we had a fight like a month ago i think. idk time goes so fast...but ya that's all i wanted to say...and i miss him, i won't lie and say i don't. he'll always have a part of me...no matter how things r between us
it's sad how life can be sometimes, when u loose the people u care about...just cause
alright later... :)
s*j
Sunday, February 15, 2009
sometimes the fact that time seems to go by so quickly [for me at least] could be a bad thing...like when the weekends end as fast as they begin... :(
aw dang. i dunno if im gonna have time to write/post chapter 3!!! :( this sucks. i have to read like 2 frickin longggg chapters of To Kill A Mockingbird for English :P uhg. AND shower. damn time...goes to fast...*sigh*
o well...ill try? ok..ok bye
s*j
o well...ill try? ok..ok bye
s*j
A Nerd @ Heart <3 haha
omg. i am sooooooooo proud of myself haha. i FINALLY raised my grades and now my 2 lowest r A-'s in Algebra 2 and English :P yay! this is so exciting....haha i mean really tho, this school is sooooo effing easy compared to my old boarding school so straight A's should be cake. lol
eh. gotta do my homework and be RESPONSIBLE. and MANAGE MY TIME. *eye roll* [accoring to my mother dearest]
so im gonna be back soon - ish to write chapter 4. well SOMETIME today i promise. i need to write....its good for my soul. and god knows my soul needs help ha ok so ya. later!
s*j
eh. gotta do my homework and be RESPONSIBLE. and MANAGE MY TIME. *eye roll* [accoring to my mother dearest]
so im gonna be back soon - ish to write chapter 4. well SOMETIME today i promise. i need to write....its good for my soul. and god knows my soul needs help ha ok so ya. later!
s*j
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Angel - 3 (ok fine i guess im keepin the name -- too much work to change it)
Chapter Three
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
~I Miss You by blink-182
~*Eric*~
That’s what the clock said as I turned into the school parking lot. I got out of the car, and taking my stuff with me, walked towards the bus. I saw Brett Peterson and Jack Austin, 2 of my best friends, at storage hold on the side of the bus.
“Eric!” Brett called out to me, waving like a manic.
Oh, great. This was going to be a long ride. Then again, it always was.
“Mountain Dew?” I asked Jack, knowingly, once I got to them.
“Yup, and I would’ve stopped him for once, if I had remembered. Actually, I can’t believe I forgot.” Jack told me.
It was a yearly tradition, ever since 8th grade, for Brett to get high on gallons of Mountain Dew on the bus ride to football camp, or well in this case before. We all drank it, but Brett’s body never got used to the sugar intake, which left him bouncing off the walls – more so than usual. He was naturally a happy guy.
I just laughed.
“Hey, man.” I said when I turned to Brett.
“You pumped for this? I’m pumped. I am pumped. To the MAX! Senior year, betches!” He yelled in a girly voice, and did a “cha-ching” arm movement thigny.
Jack and I looked at each other for a second – then burst out laughing.
And we’re off.
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
~I Miss You by blink-182
~*Eric*~
*BEEP*
*BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Damn alarm clock. I slammed my hand down on the snooze button to shut the thing up.
I slowly opened my unwilling eyes to the brightness of the sun coming through my window. The clock said 7:00 AM. My head was pounding, and I felt as though I just woke up from a coma or something. How long had I been sleeping?
Ugh, that’s right. I remembered now what had happened – the dream last night…the angel…or girl, whoever she was. I had thought it was real at first. Of course when I woke up I realized it wasn’t. I couldn’t get back to sleep until almost 4. So I spent 2 hours in the driveway shooting hoops to clear my head. It didn’t work. I still couldn’t get her out of my head.
Sitting up, I ran my hand through my tangled mess of hair and groaned. That dream was gonna torture me for awhile, I could tell. She was mesmerizing and the fact that I recognized things about her like her brown amethyst eyes…and that locket, but I couldn’t figure out how or what triggered it. And those lips…that feeling. God. This was bad. It was just a frickin dream. It wasn’t real, but I felt as though I had felt that feeling before…in another life almost…
I sighed. I need to put this girl out of my mind. She’s doesn’t even exist….
Distractions – Varsity Football Camp starts today. Knew there was a reason why I had an alarm on the weekend. One week of nothing but football before school started, sounds like the perfect distraction.
I had already packed the night before. The bus left from school to Tampa (where the camp was at) at 8, and it took 20 minutes for me to drive to school.
I took a shower, then got dressed and grabbed my suitcase and gym bag, running downstairs to eat the breakfast I could smell my mom cooking – eggs and bacon. I felt my stomach growl.
“Hey, Mom. Morning.” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Morning, Ricky. You better hurry up and eat since you have—”
she paused to look at the clock, “20 minutes to get to school.”
“Alright, alright. Whatever you say…” I laughed.
“And I mean 20 minutes without driving like a maniac.” She said sternly – or at least she attempted to be stern. There was a hint of an exasperated smile in her voice. She knew I always drove too fast and somehow always made it where I needed to go on time – every time. She disapproved, of course, but never really enforced her concern.
I wolfed down the rest of my eggs and bacon, then gulped down my orange juice.
“See ya, Mom.” I told her, grabbing my keys from the counter, then kissing her check again.
“Have fun! And be careful!” She called to me, as I was already half-way out the front door. I didn’t bother saying bye to my dad…he was in his study. There were few occasions when he ever left it, or stopped working – being co-partner to the Hirch of Channing & Hirch Law Firm left little time for a family life.
I revved the engine of my ’67 Chevy Impala and started to drive at record, borderline past the speed limit, speed to school.
One thing you should know about me is that I’m kind of obsessed with old cars. I had wanted an Impala ever since I saw one at an Antique Car Show that one of my dad’s clients had invited us to. Our family wasn’t as severed back then. I was only 10, but still I knew what I wanted. When I make a decision, it takes a lot to make me waver from it.
7:57 AM
*BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Damn alarm clock. I slammed my hand down on the snooze button to shut the thing up.
I slowly opened my unwilling eyes to the brightness of the sun coming through my window. The clock said 7:00 AM. My head was pounding, and I felt as though I just woke up from a coma or something. How long had I been sleeping?
Ugh, that’s right. I remembered now what had happened – the dream last night…the angel…or girl, whoever she was. I had thought it was real at first. Of course when I woke up I realized it wasn’t. I couldn’t get back to sleep until almost 4. So I spent 2 hours in the driveway shooting hoops to clear my head. It didn’t work. I still couldn’t get her out of my head.
Sitting up, I ran my hand through my tangled mess of hair and groaned. That dream was gonna torture me for awhile, I could tell. She was mesmerizing and the fact that I recognized things about her like her brown amethyst eyes…and that locket, but I couldn’t figure out how or what triggered it. And those lips…that feeling. God. This was bad. It was just a frickin dream. It wasn’t real, but I felt as though I had felt that feeling before…in another life almost…
I sighed. I need to put this girl out of my mind. She’s doesn’t even exist….
Distractions – Varsity Football Camp starts today. Knew there was a reason why I had an alarm on the weekend. One week of nothing but football before school started, sounds like the perfect distraction.
I had already packed the night before. The bus left from school to Tampa (where the camp was at) at 8, and it took 20 minutes for me to drive to school.
I took a shower, then got dressed and grabbed my suitcase and gym bag, running downstairs to eat the breakfast I could smell my mom cooking – eggs and bacon. I felt my stomach growl.
“Hey, Mom. Morning.” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Morning, Ricky. You better hurry up and eat since you have—”
she paused to look at the clock, “20 minutes to get to school.”
“Alright, alright. Whatever you say…” I laughed.
“And I mean 20 minutes without driving like a maniac.” She said sternly – or at least she attempted to be stern. There was a hint of an exasperated smile in her voice. She knew I always drove too fast and somehow always made it where I needed to go on time – every time. She disapproved, of course, but never really enforced her concern.
I wolfed down the rest of my eggs and bacon, then gulped down my orange juice.
“See ya, Mom.” I told her, grabbing my keys from the counter, then kissing her check again.
“Have fun! And be careful!” She called to me, as I was already half-way out the front door. I didn’t bother saying bye to my dad…he was in his study. There were few occasions when he ever left it, or stopped working – being co-partner to the Hirch of Channing & Hirch Law Firm left little time for a family life.
I revved the engine of my ’67 Chevy Impala and started to drive at record, borderline past the speed limit, speed to school.
One thing you should know about me is that I’m kind of obsessed with old cars. I had wanted an Impala ever since I saw one at an Antique Car Show that one of my dad’s clients had invited us to. Our family wasn’t as severed back then. I was only 10, but still I knew what I wanted. When I make a decision, it takes a lot to make me waver from it.
7:57 AM
That’s what the clock said as I turned into the school parking lot. I got out of the car, and taking my stuff with me, walked towards the bus. I saw Brett Peterson and Jack Austin, 2 of my best friends, at storage hold on the side of the bus.
“Eric!” Brett called out to me, waving like a manic.
Oh, great. This was going to be a long ride. Then again, it always was.
“Mountain Dew?” I asked Jack, knowingly, once I got to them.
“Yup, and I would’ve stopped him for once, if I had remembered. Actually, I can’t believe I forgot.” Jack told me.
It was a yearly tradition, ever since 8th grade, for Brett to get high on gallons of Mountain Dew on the bus ride to football camp, or well in this case before. We all drank it, but Brett’s body never got used to the sugar intake, which left him bouncing off the walls – more so than usual. He was naturally a happy guy.
I just laughed.
“Hey, man.” I said when I turned to Brett.
“You pumped for this? I’m pumped. I am pumped. To the MAX! Senior year, betches!” He yelled in a girly voice, and did a “cha-ching” arm movement thigny.
Jack and I looked at each other for a second – then burst out laughing.
And we’re off.
Curing "Writer's Block" by Force
hey there,
yupp i'm back. miss me? :)
so i just thought i'd announce my return -- or more like THE return of my current story ~ u know, Angel. but you know actually i think i'm gonna change the name....Angel just sounds dumb now....not very...right.
yupp i'm back. miss me? :)
so i just thought i'd announce my return -- or more like THE return of my current story ~ u know, Angel. but you know actually i think i'm gonna change the name....Angel just sounds dumb now....not very...right.
so how bout.... Untitled
haha i like it. that's good. ok so next post = chapter 3 of Untitled
i'll be back in a few =]
xoxo,
S
Believe
....so give me something to believe, cause i am living just to breathe, and i need something more...to keep on breathing for...so give me something to believe....
~Believe by The Bravery
*sigh*
life.
it's quite something, isn't it?
[[[[[[quite a bitch]]]]]]]
but
music.
my refuge...my sanity... <3
try to give u warning but everyone ignores me
told u everything loud and clear
but nobody's listening
call to u so clearly, but u don't want to hear me
told u everything loud and clear
but no body's listening
i got a
heart full of pain
head full of stress
handful of anger held in my chest
~Nobody's Listening by Linkin Park
would she hear me, if i called her name? would she hold me if she knew my shame?
....ur tears dont fall they crash around me
her conscience calls the guilty to come home
ur tears don't fall they crash around me
her conscience calls the guilty to come home
~Tears Don't Fall by Bullet For My Valentine {band = fricckkkin awesome = PERFECT for today haahha ;p}
if u havent picked up the hint these lyrics r like.....my own words. they'r my thoughts and what's goin on in my head....that's how music works for me -- it takes messed up shit and turns it into pretty sound haha and there u have it - melodies, symphanies, beats, rests ~ all that good stuff
oo i have recently decided that i'm changing the name of my character [in Angel], Leila's name to................[dude, i am so going to become deaf one day hahah -- too loud music]
her new name is.......... Lili {pronounced Lilly but spelled cooler. o yes}
if u wanna get out alive.....hold on for ur life. if u wanna get out alive...hold on for ur life. if u wanna get out alive, hold on for ur life.......if i stay it won't be long till im burning on the inside. if i go i can only hope that ill make it to the other side....if i go...and if i go
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
~Get Out Alive by Three Days Grace
sorry! i HAD to.... :D haha
seems like ur wanting me to stay.....but my dreams would surely waste away...and i still have nowhere else to go....so i wait for u to...take me al the way...take me all the way
PUSH ME UNDER
PULL ME FARTHER
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
PUSH ME UNDER
PULL ME FARTHER
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
~Take Me Under by Three Days Grace
dang it. sorry again...this playlist is addictive.
uhg...my neck hurts...feels like i got this knot. dude wtf. i need to sleep....gosh and i was gonna talk bout deep important philosophical stuff! :(
o well...tomo maybe..if im not o so superbusy and/or sleeping lotsss. hehe
ciao <3
sarah*jane
'ay, wait up. since it's valentines day i should tell y'allz y i hate valentines. u kno now that im thinkin back to it this is a stupid reason to hate a holiday but then seriously it sucks when im dating someone AND just as much when im single -- so it's not just the ex-bf factor. nahnah
last year's valentines day -- was on a thursday i believe.....and from that day till that sunday = the worst weekend of my life. cause i remember it vividly and the pain and all the fun adolescent shit. ha good times, man.
that was the weekend when the boy who was my first boyfriend & first "love" broke up with me because [as i would later find out, when we got back together a few months later -- ya don't ask] he had "fallen out of love with me".
hey girls out there, a word of advice. don't date a player, even if he is a "good guy" and "sweet" and a "good friend" but a man whore, bottom line -- looking at him from a girlfriend perspective. he'll fuck u up and ull never think of "love" the same way again.
that's y i like movies - they show u what everyone in this world wants love to actaully be like. but then again what am i saying? everything i say bout love is jack. me and my tainted heart....so all you need is love, Beatles? that is what u say after all. hmmm well i used to believe that.....and when the day comes around that i do again --- well ill still hate [or maybe just not care bout/dislike] valentine's day ~ but for different reasons. like pink is ew. >>>> hahah
byebye :)
xoxo
~Believe by The Bravery
*sigh*
life.
it's quite something, isn't it?
[[[[[[quite a bitch]]]]]]]
but
music.
my refuge...my sanity... <3
try to give u warning but everyone ignores me
told u everything loud and clear
but nobody's listening
call to u so clearly, but u don't want to hear me
told u everything loud and clear
but no body's listening
i got a
heart full of pain
head full of stress
handful of anger held in my chest
~Nobody's Listening by Linkin Park
would she hear me, if i called her name? would she hold me if she knew my shame?
....ur tears dont fall they crash around me
her conscience calls the guilty to come home
ur tears don't fall they crash around me
her conscience calls the guilty to come home
~Tears Don't Fall by Bullet For My Valentine {band = fricckkkin awesome = PERFECT for today haahha ;p}
if u havent picked up the hint these lyrics r like.....my own words. they'r my thoughts and what's goin on in my head....that's how music works for me -- it takes messed up shit and turns it into pretty sound haha and there u have it - melodies, symphanies, beats, rests ~ all that good stuff
oo i have recently decided that i'm changing the name of my character [in Angel], Leila's name to................[dude, i am so going to become deaf one day hahah -- too loud music]
her new name is.......... Lili {pronounced Lilly but spelled cooler. o yes}
if u wanna get out alive.....hold on for ur life. if u wanna get out alive...hold on for ur life. if u wanna get out alive, hold on for ur life.......if i stay it won't be long till im burning on the inside. if i go i can only hope that ill make it to the other side....if i go...and if i go
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
~Get Out Alive by Three Days Grace
sorry! i HAD to.... :D haha
seems like ur wanting me to stay.....but my dreams would surely waste away...and i still have nowhere else to go....so i wait for u to...take me al the way...take me all the way
PUSH ME UNDER
PULL ME FARTHER
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
PUSH ME UNDER
PULL ME FARTHER
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
~Take Me Under by Three Days Grace
dang it. sorry again...this playlist is addictive.
uhg...my neck hurts...feels like i got this knot. dude wtf. i need to sleep....gosh and i was gonna talk bout deep important philosophical stuff! :(
o well...tomo maybe..if im not o so superbusy and/or sleeping lotsss. hehe
ciao <3
sarah*jane
'ay, wait up. since it's valentines day i should tell y'allz y i hate valentines. u kno now that im thinkin back to it this is a stupid reason to hate a holiday but then seriously it sucks when im dating someone AND just as much when im single -- so it's not just the ex-bf factor. nahnah
last year's valentines day -- was on a thursday i believe.....and from that day till that sunday = the worst weekend of my life. cause i remember it vividly and the pain and all the fun adolescent shit. ha good times, man.
that was the weekend when the boy who was my first boyfriend & first "love" broke up with me because [as i would later find out, when we got back together a few months later -- ya don't ask] he had "fallen out of love with me".
hey girls out there, a word of advice. don't date a player, even if he is a "good guy" and "sweet" and a "good friend" but a man whore, bottom line -- looking at him from a girlfriend perspective. he'll fuck u up and ull never think of "love" the same way again.
that's y i like movies - they show u what everyone in this world wants love to actaully be like. but then again what am i saying? everything i say bout love is jack. me and my tainted heart....so all you need is love, Beatles? that is what u say after all. hmmm well i used to believe that.....and when the day comes around that i do again --- well ill still hate [or maybe just not care bout/dislike] valentine's day ~ but for different reasons. like pink is ew. >>>> hahah
byebye :)
xoxo
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
it's been awhile [haha that's such a frickin depressing song ------ by Staind. heard it playin the other day durin weightlifitin in gym! coolio]
aww crappers. i gotta go take a shower then study for my Phy. Sci. test on fridayyyyyyyyy all before my BEDTIME = 10:30. arg. i really wanna write stuff tho.....i totally promised myself and ppl readin this [even tho well that's probably no one but still. No One is awesome. No One understands me ~ not many do, man.]
and i just wanna................write & write & write some more cause it = release for me....from reality. but then there's that thing about time..and not having enough....
*sigh*
oo lala. cardio day tomo. o & for those of you-s who dont kno what that is ~ cardio day = 10 crunches [or suicides in basketball - same thing]. 1 rest for 2 minues. next one -- rest. and on and on. it takes the whole period, & actaully they're not all that bad. gotta get back in shape for track, which starts on the 23rd. im exciteddddddddd :D
oo there's a dance on fridayyy. Valentines Day Dance. i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee valentines day tho. cause it's stupid and consumer-driven [according to this one person who told me that this one time and it sounded good so im using it]. and those little heart thingy that say like "be mine" and all that #$&% are sicknasty. o yeahhhhhhhh that's my new word, homies.
sicknasty. hehe awesome-ly awesome.
okie dokie so
i think ill be back after i shower....possiblyyyyyyy or i might just sleep. cause i like sleep....it's good. heavenly....specially since i don't dream anymore.... mmmhmm
=] talk to u laterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. No One. haha :D
and i just wanna................write & write & write some more cause it = release for me....from reality. but then there's that thing about time..and not having enough....
*sigh*
oo lala. cardio day tomo. o & for those of you-s who dont kno what that is ~ cardio day = 10 crunches [or suicides in basketball - same thing]. 1 rest for 2 minues. next one -- rest. and on and on. it takes the whole period, & actaully they're not all that bad. gotta get back in shape for track, which starts on the 23rd. im exciteddddddddd :D
oo there's a dance on fridayyy. Valentines Day Dance. i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee valentines day tho. cause it's stupid and consumer-driven [according to this one person who told me that this one time and it sounded good so im using it]. and those little heart thingy that say like "be mine" and all that #$&% are sicknasty. o yeahhhhhhhh that's my new word, homies.
sicknasty. hehe awesome-ly awesome.
okie dokie so
i think ill be back after i shower....possiblyyyyyyy or i might just sleep. cause i like sleep....it's good. heavenly....specially since i don't dream anymore.... mmmhmm
=] talk to u laterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. No One. haha :D
Sunday, February 8, 2009
what chu doin wit yo life, kid? [hahah awesome gangsta voice right there *snort* ;)]
heeeeeey whoever u r who's stumbled across this and just happens to decide to read it,
i'm bored.
actaully wait wait wait. this is not true. well...it is but it's not at the same time causeee see i have something i could be doing now = cleaning my room, washing my clothes, my world hist. project, algebra 2 homework, etc.etc. u kno that @#$% good little gurls do. butttttttttttttttt i'm being lazy and procrastinating/nusing my new found blogging/photoshoping-w/o-photoshop ~ obsession. good lord i need to get a life. hahaha, but u kno what does that even mean? "a life". it just means always being busy really. like never having any free time to just chill and be a teenage bum. and ill have "a life" very soon -- with track+speech @ the same time = ill have no free weekends to be lazy anymore :( *sigh* so im livin in the moment, homies. hahaha ;p
o crapper i have to read too....................shi-ite. ok. what. shi-ite>?>?>?>? where did that come from. i should make a list of frickin stupid words that ppl use cause they think they're cool but they're really...not cause they're gay. that would be one hell of a list.
it's really pretty outside. i think it was warm too when we went out ealier. and i wanna go running...... :( but im afraid if i do any vigorous physical excercize my poor head's gonna explode cause i only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night & havent collapsed yet thank goodness.
dude. i havent talked to any of my friends this weekend.....well except for one......and after that 2 text convo. i almost broke my phone......*sigh* it's sad. and i should be more beat up about it but im not. in fact i don't really give a shit about 2-faced-players who r assholes/my ex-boyfriend whom i thought was my best friend but ppl change and friendships fade with time. i've lived, lossed, and learned from my mistakes. u think we're all just better off alone? no...ur right. i don't think that's tru either. but bottom line is im a loner @ heart and i'm surviving. i'm an outsider and i don't really care. at one point in time i thought i'd found my place in this world...but now when i look back on it all i realize i didn't. maybe it's juse teenagers. when ur best friend moves to a differnt state/school @ first u try to keep in touch alot but the forces of the universe want it to be a differnt way ---- talk less......drift apart.....ur separate lives get in the way....not seeing each other as much.....it happens. life happens.
so that's really my only "worry" right now.....and some family shit. but im learning to tune them [step-father+mother] out....one day at a time, that's the best i got. ttyllllllllllllllllllllllll :)
x3 s*j
p.s. is this not a friggin awesome picture or what?!?!?!!??!?!?!? hahahahha :D
*sigh* my new-found obsession rocks ;)
i'm bored.
actaully wait wait wait. this is not true. well...it is but it's not at the same time causeee see i have something i could be doing now = cleaning my room, washing my clothes, my world hist. project, algebra 2 homework, etc.etc. u kno that @#$% good little gurls do. butttttttttttttttt i'm being lazy and procrastinating/nusing my new found blogging/photoshoping-w/o-photoshop ~ obsession. good lord i need to get a life. hahaha, but u kno what does that even mean? "a life". it just means always being busy really. like never having any free time to just chill and be a teenage bum. and ill have "a life" very soon -- with track+speech @ the same time = ill have no free weekends to be lazy anymore :( *sigh* so im livin in the moment, homies. hahaha ;p
o crapper i have to read too....................shi-ite. ok. what. shi-ite>?>?>?>? where did that come from. i should make a list of frickin stupid words that ppl use cause they think they're cool but they're really...not cause they're gay. that would be one hell of a list.
it's really pretty outside. i think it was warm too when we went out ealier. and i wanna go running...... :( but im afraid if i do any vigorous physical excercize my poor head's gonna explode cause i only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night & havent collapsed yet thank goodness.
dude. i havent talked to any of my friends this weekend.....well except for one......and after that 2 text convo. i almost broke my phone......*sigh* it's sad. and i should be more beat up about it but im not. in fact i don't really give a shit about 2-faced-players who r assholes/my ex-boyfriend whom i thought was my best friend but ppl change and friendships fade with time. i've lived, lossed, and learned from my mistakes. u think we're all just better off alone? no...ur right. i don't think that's tru either. but bottom line is im a loner @ heart and i'm surviving. i'm an outsider and i don't really care. at one point in time i thought i'd found my place in this world...but now when i look back on it all i realize i didn't. maybe it's juse teenagers. when ur best friend moves to a differnt state/school @ first u try to keep in touch alot but the forces of the universe want it to be a differnt way ---- talk less......drift apart.....ur separate lives get in the way....not seeing each other as much.....it happens. life happens.
so that's really my only "worry" right now.....and some family shit. but im learning to tune them [step-father+mother] out....one day at a time, that's the best i got. ttyllllllllllllllllllllllll :)
x3 s*j
p.s. is this not a friggin awesome picture or what?!?!?!!??!?!?!? hahahahha :D
*sigh* my new-found obsession rocks ;)
Angel - 2
Chapter Two
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
~My Immortal by Evanescence
A/N: just a little background mostly to know about Lilia and Eric’s past
~*Lilia*~
London. I sighed heavily, leaning back against the cool leather seat of the plane as it was taking off. God, I was going to miss this place. I had been living in London, English with my family: Mom, Dad, and Noah, my new baby brother, for 8 years now. I had fell in love with the city as soon as my 9 year old self got out of that plane after it touched down at London International. Ever since I could remember, I had always dreamed of living in Europe because I love to travel more than anything. So the day my dad told us that his company was relocating him to the UK and that we would be leaving in just a week. It was both the most exciting and horrible day of my life.
Why horrible, may you ask? 2 words, one person.
Eric Channing.
I’d known him since I was born practically. We were next door neighbors and our mothers had gone to college together, and they were best friends just like me and Eric were – utterly and completely inseparable. He was the boy next door, and the day I found out I would have to leave him and probably never see him again…well let’s just say I didn’t know what mixed feeling were until then.
I remember it all like it was yesterday, probably because I have this awesome “cannot forget anything” memory.
That one week went by too fast; even though Eric and I made the most of the time I had left being attached at the hip more so than usual. We played tag (I always wuped his butt because I was way faster than him. I lived for running, and still do), went to the beach (we lived in Miami and our houses were on the beach front), hung out in his room (not mine since it was borderline empty then because of packing), played video games (he taught me how, since I starting out being horrible at them), and just did everything. We always had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.
On the day of our flight, he and his mom and dad came with us to the airport to see us off. When they announced it was time for our flight to board, I completely broke down. I threw my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest (he was tall for a nine year old – almost 5 inches taller than me), soaking it with tears. He cried too. I had never seen him cry before that day. He always seemed so tough in my eyes – my strong best friend, the boy who would always protect me. I could never forget him.
Our goodbye lasted as long as we could make it. Our parents were hugging and crying and talking as well, so they were paying us no mind. I finally pulled away from him so that I would look him in the eyes. I had always loved his eyes because they were this pretty blue-green color, but they changed. When he was happy they’d turn greener, sad – bluer, and when he was just mellow they’d be equally blue-green. He had the coolest wavy dirty blond hair ever; it was always too long and in his eyes, and it made me laugh when he flipped it out of his face. I used to tell him he looked like a pretty boy male model when he did it.
When we looked at each other, I tried to smile after I wiped my tears away. He smiled at me too.
“I’m gonna miss you Lili…way way too much...why do you have to go?” He said, looking down at me.
“I know Ricky…I’m sorry it sucks like no other. I’m gonna miss you way more though.” I told him back.
“I…I got something for you. A goodbye present I guess. Bought it with my own money too,” he laughed, “I saw it and just thought you’d like it…” Eric took the gift out of his pocket, then my hand from my side and placed something tiny and cool in it. It was a necklace, a locket actually with a heart shaped amethyst stone set into it. I opened the locket to see a picture of him and me in it. My mom (brilliant portrait photographer that she is) took the picture of us one day when we playing in my backyard. We didn’t want to, but she insisted that we would thank her one day – memories, she had said. We were 7 at the time.
But back to the story.
I gasped. The locket was gorgeous, and not to mention expensive looking. Of course, both our parents had money, but he said he bought it himself.
As I was in shock, I barely noticed Eric taking the locket out of my hands then moving behind me and telling me to hold up my hair so he could put it on. But I held up my hair, still kind of in a daze, and he put the locket on me. It felt nice against my skin, like I should be there.
When he came back in front of me, I came back to reality.
“I know purple’s your favorite color…and the amethyst matches the purple-y-ness, if that’s a word, in your eyes.” He told me, almost shyly, and with his hands in his pockets.
I smiled up at his tall figure. “Thank you, Eric. It’s beautiful. Best present ever. Oh dude, I feel horrible though cause I didn’t think to get you anything, which was really really stupid of me…” My smile turned into a frown when I realized that.
Eric laughed – at my smile-frown face probably, and said, “Nah, it’s cool. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you like it.”
“Like it? You mean love it.” I sighed, took a second to think, and then said, “But you must get a present too, since it’s only fair, and…and I know what I’m gonna give you!” Triumph was evident in my voice and inside I was snickering mischievously. He won’t know what hit him. Oh, this “gift” is perfect.
He looked at me suspiciously, probably raising an eyebrow, but I couldn’t tell with all that hair of his. “What the gift?”
“This.”
I stood up on my tippy toes, closed my eyes, and bam! I kissed my best friend full on the lips, just like that. It was only a peck, but I felt this tingling sensation flood through my whole body in that milli-second. I pulled away, and then opened my eyes.
I looked at Eric, who was standing there, hands still in his pockets, and silent with shock.
I giggled. “This way you know what’s it’s like to kiss a girl. And I get to be your first kiss. Awesome present, in my opinion.”
Before he could say anything, the lady at the counter announced the final boarding call for out flight. I looked around and no one else was in the chairs around us anymore. All this had happened in only 10 minutes.
“Lili, honey, we have to go now.” My mom called from the counter where our parents were now waiting. I prayed to God that she didn’t see the kiss.
“’Kay, I’m coming, just one sec.” I called back to her.
Turning back to Eric, I sighed and said, “Guess it’s time then…”
“Yeah…” he relplied. We stood there for a fraction of a second before hugged him tightly again, so tight I wondered if he could breathe still. He hugged me back just as tightly though.
“I love you, Lili.” He whispered in my ear, “And you’re right that was an awesome present.”
“I love you too, Ricky. I’ll never stop loving you, best-est friend in the world. Promise you’ll never forget me?”
“Promise.” He smiled at me and I returned one of my own. Then I broke our embrace.
“Bye, Ricky.” I whispered, slowly and reluctantly backing away from him and going towards my patiently waiting parents.
“Bye, Lili.”
It took all the strength I had in my little 9 year old heart to turn away from that boy. But I finally braved it and walked quickly towards my parents. Eric’s parents were there and I hugged Mr. and Mrs. Channing and said good bye to them, before turning around to look at Eric one last time before I walked down the ramp and into the plane. He was standing in the same exact place I had left him, only facing where I was now. I waved at him. He waved back. And then I turned around and walked away from my best friend, from the first boy I gave my heart to.
That was the day my heart first broke – the day I said good bye to Eric Channing for forever. At least that’s what I thought.
Now 8 years later, I’m 17 years old. I just finished Year 13 (equivalent to at my junior year) at Worthington Academy in London, which I absolutely loved. My 3 best friends Ariel, Marie, and Emma said they’d keep in touch, and I’ll see them again next summer since I promised to come visit, of course. And you know that whole thing about British guys being hot and their accents totally dreamy? It’s true – every word of it. The guys at my school were rich and handsome, mostly stuck up, but there were the fair few who weren’t. I’ve had a total of 3 boyfriends in my short life – all British. But I’ve never loved any of them. I haven’t truly loved a boy since Eric, which is kind of sad, huh. Oh well, boys are just fun to me. They’re not worth getting all lovesick doe-eyed over. I’ve seen my best friends’ hearts get broken way too many times, and I like being the level headed not boy crazy one, thank you very much.
Ooh and did I mention that over the 8 years I’ve lived in the UK, I’ve picked up a British accent? It’s so awesome. ½ black, ½ white (my mom’s white & my dad’s black), and has a British accent. That’s me!
Right now, my family and I are on a flight back to, you guessed it, Miami, Florida – the good ‘ol U.S. of A, back to our old house, which we hadn’t sold, just rented out for these past 8 years. Good bye, lovely London. Damn, my dad’s job for moving us across countries. We were going back because he got promoted (again) and his new job requires him to be back at “headquarters” a.k.a. in Miami.
But you know surprisingly, I’m all good with all this. I kind of missed America…then of course there’s my whole “don’t worry, be happy” cause “every little thing is gonna be alright” Bob Marley (my hero) inspired “life philosophy” I got going on. Oh yeah, I’m so all good, it’s freaky. I ponder…what lies behind this “good”-ness. Hey, let’s not think about that at the moment. Let’s take a nap instead!
Quite lying to yourself, Brown. You’re going to have to face the truth (among other things) in approximately…8 hours and 20 minutes.
Yeah well you know what stupid little voice, I don’t wanna, so I am going to sleep. Don’t let the frickin bed bugs bite.
I turned a bit to get more comfortable in my squishy leather chair –gotta love first class. In front of me, my dad was already snoring away like there was no tomorrow, and my mom was singing Noah to sleep in her arms. I had a window seat, and the middle-age dude in a suit next to me was snoring away too.
“Jeeze, why do guys snore so loud?” I asked aloud. Of course, no one answered.
“Whatever.”
I lay my head against the window, cleared the thoughts from my head, and breathed slowly until the darkness of sleep consumed me.
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
~My Immortal by Evanescence
A/N: just a little background mostly to know about Lilia and Eric’s past
~*Lilia*~
London. I sighed heavily, leaning back against the cool leather seat of the plane as it was taking off. God, I was going to miss this place. I had been living in London, English with my family: Mom, Dad, and Noah, my new baby brother, for 8 years now. I had fell in love with the city as soon as my 9 year old self got out of that plane after it touched down at London International. Ever since I could remember, I had always dreamed of living in Europe because I love to travel more than anything. So the day my dad told us that his company was relocating him to the UK and that we would be leaving in just a week. It was both the most exciting and horrible day of my life.
Why horrible, may you ask? 2 words, one person.
Eric Channing.
I’d known him since I was born practically. We were next door neighbors and our mothers had gone to college together, and they were best friends just like me and Eric were – utterly and completely inseparable. He was the boy next door, and the day I found out I would have to leave him and probably never see him again…well let’s just say I didn’t know what mixed feeling were until then.
I remember it all like it was yesterday, probably because I have this awesome “cannot forget anything” memory.
That one week went by too fast; even though Eric and I made the most of the time I had left being attached at the hip more so than usual. We played tag (I always wuped his butt because I was way faster than him. I lived for running, and still do), went to the beach (we lived in Miami and our houses were on the beach front), hung out in his room (not mine since it was borderline empty then because of packing), played video games (he taught me how, since I starting out being horrible at them), and just did everything. We always had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.
On the day of our flight, he and his mom and dad came with us to the airport to see us off. When they announced it was time for our flight to board, I completely broke down. I threw my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest (he was tall for a nine year old – almost 5 inches taller than me), soaking it with tears. He cried too. I had never seen him cry before that day. He always seemed so tough in my eyes – my strong best friend, the boy who would always protect me. I could never forget him.
Our goodbye lasted as long as we could make it. Our parents were hugging and crying and talking as well, so they were paying us no mind. I finally pulled away from him so that I would look him in the eyes. I had always loved his eyes because they were this pretty blue-green color, but they changed. When he was happy they’d turn greener, sad – bluer, and when he was just mellow they’d be equally blue-green. He had the coolest wavy dirty blond hair ever; it was always too long and in his eyes, and it made me laugh when he flipped it out of his face. I used to tell him he looked like a pretty boy male model when he did it.
When we looked at each other, I tried to smile after I wiped my tears away. He smiled at me too.
“I’m gonna miss you Lili…way way too much...why do you have to go?” He said, looking down at me.
“I know Ricky…I’m sorry it sucks like no other. I’m gonna miss you way more though.” I told him back.
“I…I got something for you. A goodbye present I guess. Bought it with my own money too,” he laughed, “I saw it and just thought you’d like it…” Eric took the gift out of his pocket, then my hand from my side and placed something tiny and cool in it. It was a necklace, a locket actually with a heart shaped amethyst stone set into it. I opened the locket to see a picture of him and me in it. My mom (brilliant portrait photographer that she is) took the picture of us one day when we playing in my backyard. We didn’t want to, but she insisted that we would thank her one day – memories, she had said. We were 7 at the time.
But back to the story.
I gasped. The locket was gorgeous, and not to mention expensive looking. Of course, both our parents had money, but he said he bought it himself.
As I was in shock, I barely noticed Eric taking the locket out of my hands then moving behind me and telling me to hold up my hair so he could put it on. But I held up my hair, still kind of in a daze, and he put the locket on me. It felt nice against my skin, like I should be there.
When he came back in front of me, I came back to reality.
“I know purple’s your favorite color…and the amethyst matches the purple-y-ness, if that’s a word, in your eyes.” He told me, almost shyly, and with his hands in his pockets.
I smiled up at his tall figure. “Thank you, Eric. It’s beautiful. Best present ever. Oh dude, I feel horrible though cause I didn’t think to get you anything, which was really really stupid of me…” My smile turned into a frown when I realized that.
Eric laughed – at my smile-frown face probably, and said, “Nah, it’s cool. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you like it.”
“Like it? You mean love it.” I sighed, took a second to think, and then said, “But you must get a present too, since it’s only fair, and…and I know what I’m gonna give you!” Triumph was evident in my voice and inside I was snickering mischievously. He won’t know what hit him. Oh, this “gift” is perfect.
He looked at me suspiciously, probably raising an eyebrow, but I couldn’t tell with all that hair of his. “What the gift?”
“This.”
I stood up on my tippy toes, closed my eyes, and bam! I kissed my best friend full on the lips, just like that. It was only a peck, but I felt this tingling sensation flood through my whole body in that milli-second. I pulled away, and then opened my eyes.
I looked at Eric, who was standing there, hands still in his pockets, and silent with shock.
I giggled. “This way you know what’s it’s like to kiss a girl. And I get to be your first kiss. Awesome present, in my opinion.”
Before he could say anything, the lady at the counter announced the final boarding call for out flight. I looked around and no one else was in the chairs around us anymore. All this had happened in only 10 minutes.
“Lili, honey, we have to go now.” My mom called from the counter where our parents were now waiting. I prayed to God that she didn’t see the kiss.
“’Kay, I’m coming, just one sec.” I called back to her.
Turning back to Eric, I sighed and said, “Guess it’s time then…”
“Yeah…” he relplied. We stood there for a fraction of a second before hugged him tightly again, so tight I wondered if he could breathe still. He hugged me back just as tightly though.
“I love you, Lili.” He whispered in my ear, “And you’re right that was an awesome present.”
“I love you too, Ricky. I’ll never stop loving you, best-est friend in the world. Promise you’ll never forget me?”
“Promise.” He smiled at me and I returned one of my own. Then I broke our embrace.
“Bye, Ricky.” I whispered, slowly and reluctantly backing away from him and going towards my patiently waiting parents.
“Bye, Lili.”
It took all the strength I had in my little 9 year old heart to turn away from that boy. But I finally braved it and walked quickly towards my parents. Eric’s parents were there and I hugged Mr. and Mrs. Channing and said good bye to them, before turning around to look at Eric one last time before I walked down the ramp and into the plane. He was standing in the same exact place I had left him, only facing where I was now. I waved at him. He waved back. And then I turned around and walked away from my best friend, from the first boy I gave my heart to.
That was the day my heart first broke – the day I said good bye to Eric Channing for forever. At least that’s what I thought.
Now 8 years later, I’m 17 years old. I just finished Year 13 (equivalent to at my junior year) at Worthington Academy in London, which I absolutely loved. My 3 best friends Ariel, Marie, and Emma said they’d keep in touch, and I’ll see them again next summer since I promised to come visit, of course. And you know that whole thing about British guys being hot and their accents totally dreamy? It’s true – every word of it. The guys at my school were rich and handsome, mostly stuck up, but there were the fair few who weren’t. I’ve had a total of 3 boyfriends in my short life – all British. But I’ve never loved any of them. I haven’t truly loved a boy since Eric, which is kind of sad, huh. Oh well, boys are just fun to me. They’re not worth getting all lovesick doe-eyed over. I’ve seen my best friends’ hearts get broken way too many times, and I like being the level headed not boy crazy one, thank you very much.
Ooh and did I mention that over the 8 years I’ve lived in the UK, I’ve picked up a British accent? It’s so awesome. ½ black, ½ white (my mom’s white & my dad’s black), and has a British accent. That’s me!
Right now, my family and I are on a flight back to, you guessed it, Miami, Florida – the good ‘ol U.S. of A, back to our old house, which we hadn’t sold, just rented out for these past 8 years. Good bye, lovely London. Damn, my dad’s job for moving us across countries. We were going back because he got promoted (again) and his new job requires him to be back at “headquarters” a.k.a. in Miami.
But you know surprisingly, I’m all good with all this. I kind of missed America…then of course there’s my whole “don’t worry, be happy” cause “every little thing is gonna be alright” Bob Marley (my hero) inspired “life philosophy” I got going on. Oh yeah, I’m so all good, it’s freaky. I ponder…what lies behind this “good”-ness. Hey, let’s not think about that at the moment. Let’s take a nap instead!
Quite lying to yourself, Brown. You’re going to have to face the truth (among other things) in approximately…8 hours and 20 minutes.
Yeah well you know what stupid little voice, I don’t wanna, so I am going to sleep. Don’t let the frickin bed bugs bite.
I turned a bit to get more comfortable in my squishy leather chair –gotta love first class. In front of me, my dad was already snoring away like there was no tomorrow, and my mom was singing Noah to sleep in her arms. I had a window seat, and the middle-age dude in a suit next to me was snoring away too.
“Jeeze, why do guys snore so loud?” I asked aloud. Of course, no one answered.
“Whatever.”
I lay my head against the window, cleared the thoughts from my head, and breathed slowly until the darkness of sleep consumed me.
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