i could go to
and start a new life
and start over where no one knows my name
i think i need a new town to leave this all behind
because im always running from something...or to something, and i can never seem to stop
do u know what it's like to...to have no human contact...in a sense. outside of my family.
god u kno what i dont even kno what exactly it is or why exactly im so...screwy. what the fuck do i want?! i wish i knew.
but this world will never be what i expected
and if i don't belong...
even if u say...it'll be alright...
why am i so...so "down on life"? i dont kno if that's a good word but how else do i describe it
words rn't enough. words r never enough.
have u ever...have u ever craved the touch of someone u love. someone who you've chosen to love and who's chosen to love u and who u cant stop loving, be they ur best friend or something more. when i say i crave human contact that doesn't mean no one has touched me or hugged me or gave me a kiss because my mom and my little brothes ans sis do that all the time. but it's not the same. sometimes i think that maybe ur heart is split into two halves. one half that's reserved for ur family - the ones ur stuck with whether u like it or not. the ones ur supposed to love no matter what cause their ur blood.
then the other half of your heart is for the ones u choose to love...or u fall into love with...
human feelings r so strange. what is love? that feeling u get that just makes u kno how much u care about a person no matter how far they are away from u or no matter how many time u get to see them a year because there's just this feeling...that love thing. that doesn't fade or go away even if u stop talking for awhile...in the end...maybe love really does conqueor all
hmmm....naive? maybe. maybe...but i'd rather not find out anytime soon
u know what's really annoying...having such a loose grip on ur sanity sometimes...like me right now...i need music & i need to write. that's the best way i kno how to let it all out. and let it all go. and get back on my feet..or do whatever it is i do to keep going everyday
see when u have got..."issues" that rnt simple enough to be just "solved" like that
it kinda seems to me like u just have 2 options
WALLOW
or
IGNORE
both r horrible. ignore is better...or is it tho really? cause i mean then all that stuff just like....festers inside u until u EXPLODE like a long fuse. and that's bad....but is it worse than walloing in it? in "self-pity" as they say
i don't really know you now....maybe im doin it wrong...this whole living life thing. what do u think?
u wanna kno a secret?
i'm probably one of the lonelyest people u will ever meet -- if u were to meet me
of course u wouldn't be able to tell by just "looking" at me & right away BAM!
u kno?
nope. i hide it well when i want to and with certain people...like @ this new school of mine. no one knows the real me - the girl who's grip on her sanity is hanging by a thread - no, not many get to see her, and the ones who do...i dont like making other people listen to my shit. even my....friends. because it is tru - "depressing people" make other people depressed. but i cant always fake it when i get the wayi get & pretend to be happy and cheery, no i dont do that because it's stupid and fake. i can be actually happy but when im not im...well not.
god i have so much in my head and heart and damn soul that i want to let go of or somehow fix and make all better. writing it down and acknowledging it...what does this do?
it hurts so much to let myself admit this but the truth is...no one can save me but myself. im so distanced from all the people i loved and who were my past, and now...now im fucked because i thought i was alright alone but now im not so sure. i thought i was past it hurting but maybe it never stops because im only human and im always going to want someone who cares...another person who chooses to care.
is all this sentimental and sappy and naive? that this is my head and what goes on in it? for the most part...my written words cant even explain it exactly how i feel it but it was worth a shot.
now im gonna tell u about my one of my best friends. we'll call him, B.
i talked bout him before actually in the last post before this one and well i just wanted to say one thing.
this weekend he started to actually truly miss me again, so much that it hurt. he blamed karma. we hadent talked in awhile because he was busy with...life, and didn't fell like talking to me - that sounds harsh but that's pretty much how it was.
he told me it was his fault that we had grown so much apart and that we barely talked anymore. it was his fault that he was never there for me anymore, and lots of other stuff but the thing is
after that email, after i talked to him again maybe he realized that i did still have a weight on my chest too because i missed him. when i let myself. when i dont talk to him its easy to live my life. when i forget him. but maybe now that he thinks he hasnt lost me and that my friendships not as unattainable as he thought it had become he doesn't want it as much anymore. all that could happen in a few days. that's fucked up. is that really how much faith i have in people? our relationship has never and will never be simple...it's worse than a "couple" who fights alot because we can't just go and "break up". we have to fix things. its so hard sometimes but y do we do it? i do it cause i love him & our complicated shit is y no one else in the world can have as awesome/messed up of a relationship as him & i do. u gotta go thru the bad, if the good times r worth it. u kno?
he said he'd never leave me again...last night when we were dealing with our issues but what...what i don't like is wondering. if i don't talk to him one day, i wonder if i wont the next day and the next and the next and it'll happen all over again. but i guess....i guess it's back to that trust thing right
i have this problem tho...he's lost my trust before because of something he did and i resented him for it, i could never trust him again. and even kno when im trying to change and get us to be better i think i just...forgot...how to trust people. people...my friends..the ones who'e let me down. they messed me up. and its so fucking weak of me to be that affected by other people but i am. i cant change it. and i have no idea what to do. i'm scared that nothings ever gonna change and that im always gonna have this whole in my chest that comes and goes whether its cause of B or cause of everyone else as well. and when i let myself cry, it's so scary. how much it hurts. how it feels like my heart is literally breaking. am i really that....fragile? and unstable? and weak. i guess so. but that's on the inside. on the outside i'm angry. at myself and at the people who i blame for making me like this but is it really someone else's fault? that's a good questions...i dont know the answer
well i'm gonna go now...ya so ill be back someone....maybe when i get a hold of my sanity...or somethin :)
later,
sarah*jane
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