u kno what an amazing song?
Better Days by The Goo Goo Dolls
*sigh*
that song keeps me sane,,,every time when im feel myself loosing my grip on myself...my "ok"-ness....i listen to it, and it makes me better. it gives me that renewed sense of hope -- to keep going. to keep looking for whatever it is im looking or...longing to find....or feel. some sense of pure...security...sureness. unwavering. however one finds something like that. something in this world.
i fidn that sometimes...lately, its harder for me to brethe and y is that? it comes and it goes....anxiety maybe. possibly. something....
this year has been a rollercoaster for me. so many places so many people so many emotions changing and forever staying the same
people i meet. people i loose. people i see for who they really are. am i wrapped up in this world? i try not to...try to distance myself from the.....from the shit. that bad shit. but i always somehow managed to find some anyways. but that's alright. i like to think that even when i feel like im suffering im surviving too because i havent given up yet. im still standing and breathing and moving and living. one day at a time. everything has to get better eventually.....doesnt it?
one day i'll figure it out....i hope :)
love <3
sarah*jane
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Boston? or nowhere....
i wish there was a "Boston" [as in the song by Augustana if u were wonderin]
i could go to
and start a new life
and start over where no one knows my name
i think i need a new town to leave this all behind
do u know what it's like to...to have no human contact...in a sense. outside of my family.
god u kno what i dont even kno what exactly it is or why exactly im so...screwy. what the fuck do i want?! i wish i knew.
but this world will never be what i expected
and if i don't belong...
even if u say...it'll be alright...
why am i so...so "down on life"? i dont kno if that's a good word but how else do i describe it
words rn't enough. words r never enough.
have u ever...have u ever craved the touch of someone u love. someone who you've chosen to love and who's chosen to love u and who u cant stop loving, be they ur best friend or something more. when i say i crave human contact that doesn't mean no one has touched me or hugged me or gave me a kiss because my mom and my little brothes ans sis do that all the time. but it's not the same. sometimes i think that maybe ur heart is split into two halves. one half that's reserved for ur family - the ones ur stuck with whether u like it or not. the ones ur supposed to love no matter what cause their ur blood.
then the other half of your heart is for the ones u choose to love...or u fall into love with...
human feelings r so strange. what is love? that feeling u get that just makes u kno how much u care about a person no matter how far they are away from u or no matter how many time u get to see them a year because there's just this feeling...that love thing. that doesn't fade or go away even if u stop talking for awhile...in the end...maybe love really does conqueor all
hmmm....naive? maybe. maybe...but i'd rather not find out anytime soon
u know what's really annoying...having such a loose grip on ur sanity sometimes...like me right now...i need music & i need to write. that's the best way i kno how to let it all out. and let it all go. and get back on my feet..or do whatever it is i do to keep going everyday
see when u have got..."issues" that rnt simple enough to be just "solved" like that
it kinda seems to me like u just have 2 options
WALLOW
or
IGNORE
both r horrible. ignore is better...or is it tho really? cause i mean then all that stuff just like....festers inside u until u EXPLODE like a long fuse. and that's bad....but is it worse than walloing in it? in "self-pity" as they say
i could go to
and start a new life
and start over where no one knows my name
i think i need a new town to leave this all behind
because im always running from something...or to something, and i can never seem to stop
do u know what it's like to...to have no human contact...in a sense. outside of my family.
god u kno what i dont even kno what exactly it is or why exactly im so...screwy. what the fuck do i want?! i wish i knew.
but this world will never be what i expected
and if i don't belong...
even if u say...it'll be alright...
why am i so...so "down on life"? i dont kno if that's a good word but how else do i describe it
words rn't enough. words r never enough.
have u ever...have u ever craved the touch of someone u love. someone who you've chosen to love and who's chosen to love u and who u cant stop loving, be they ur best friend or something more. when i say i crave human contact that doesn't mean no one has touched me or hugged me or gave me a kiss because my mom and my little brothes ans sis do that all the time. but it's not the same. sometimes i think that maybe ur heart is split into two halves. one half that's reserved for ur family - the ones ur stuck with whether u like it or not. the ones ur supposed to love no matter what cause their ur blood.
then the other half of your heart is for the ones u choose to love...or u fall into love with...
human feelings r so strange. what is love? that feeling u get that just makes u kno how much u care about a person no matter how far they are away from u or no matter how many time u get to see them a year because there's just this feeling...that love thing. that doesn't fade or go away even if u stop talking for awhile...in the end...maybe love really does conqueor all
hmmm....naive? maybe. maybe...but i'd rather not find out anytime soon
u know what's really annoying...having such a loose grip on ur sanity sometimes...like me right now...i need music & i need to write. that's the best way i kno how to let it all out. and let it all go. and get back on my feet..or do whatever it is i do to keep going everyday
see when u have got..."issues" that rnt simple enough to be just "solved" like that
it kinda seems to me like u just have 2 options
WALLOW
or
IGNORE
both r horrible. ignore is better...or is it tho really? cause i mean then all that stuff just like....festers inside u until u EXPLODE like a long fuse. and that's bad....but is it worse than walloing in it? in "self-pity" as they say
i don't really know you now....maybe im doin it wrong...this whole living life thing. what do u think?
u wanna kno a secret?
i'm probably one of the lonelyest people u will ever meet -- if u were to meet me
of course u wouldn't be able to tell by just "looking" at me & right away BAM!
u kno?
nope. i hide it well when i want to and with certain people...like @ this new school of mine. no one knows the real me - the girl who's grip on her sanity is hanging by a thread - no, not many get to see her, and the ones who do...i dont like making other people listen to my shit. even my....friends. because it is tru - "depressing people" make other people depressed. but i cant always fake it when i get the wayi get & pretend to be happy and cheery, no i dont do that because it's stupid and fake. i can be actually happy but when im not im...well not.
god i have so much in my head and heart and damn soul that i want to let go of or somehow fix and make all better. writing it down and acknowledging it...what does this do?
it hurts so much to let myself admit this but the truth is...no one can save me but myself. im so distanced from all the people i loved and who were my past, and now...now im fucked because i thought i was alright alone but now im not so sure. i thought i was past it hurting but maybe it never stops because im only human and im always going to want someone who cares...another person who chooses to care.
is all this sentimental and sappy and naive? that this is my head and what goes on in it? for the most part...my written words cant even explain it exactly how i feel it but it was worth a shot.
now im gonna tell u about my one of my best friends. we'll call him, B.
i talked bout him before actually in the last post before this one and well i just wanted to say one thing.
this weekend he started to actually truly miss me again, so much that it hurt. he blamed karma. we hadent talked in awhile because he was busy with...life, and didn't fell like talking to me - that sounds harsh but that's pretty much how it was.
he told me it was his fault that we had grown so much apart and that we barely talked anymore. it was his fault that he was never there for me anymore, and lots of other stuff but the thing is
after that email, after i talked to him again maybe he realized that i did still have a weight on my chest too because i missed him. when i let myself. when i dont talk to him its easy to live my life. when i forget him. but maybe now that he thinks he hasnt lost me and that my friendships not as unattainable as he thought it had become he doesn't want it as much anymore. all that could happen in a few days. that's fucked up. is that really how much faith i have in people? our relationship has never and will never be simple...it's worse than a "couple" who fights alot because we can't just go and "break up". we have to fix things. its so hard sometimes but y do we do it? i do it cause i love him & our complicated shit is y no one else in the world can have as awesome/messed up of a relationship as him & i do. u gotta go thru the bad, if the good times r worth it. u kno?
he said he'd never leave me again...last night when we were dealing with our issues but what...what i don't like is wondering. if i don't talk to him one day, i wonder if i wont the next day and the next and the next and it'll happen all over again. but i guess....i guess it's back to that trust thing right
i have this problem tho...he's lost my trust before because of something he did and i resented him for it, i could never trust him again. and even kno when im trying to change and get us to be better i think i just...forgot...how to trust people. people...my friends..the ones who'e let me down. they messed me up. and its so fucking weak of me to be that affected by other people but i am. i cant change it. and i have no idea what to do. i'm scared that nothings ever gonna change and that im always gonna have this whole in my chest that comes and goes whether its cause of B or cause of everyone else as well. and when i let myself cry, it's so scary. how much it hurts. how it feels like my heart is literally breaking. am i really that....fragile? and unstable? and weak. i guess so. but that's on the inside. on the outside i'm angry. at myself and at the people who i blame for making me like this but is it really someone else's fault? that's a good questions...i dont know the answer
well i'm gonna go now...ya so ill be back someone....maybe when i get a hold of my sanity...or somethin :)
later,
sarah*jane
Monday, February 16, 2009
[Loss] - the third L of this AmAzInG BloGg :D
hey, u wanna kno a secret? [well besides the fact that im supposed to be doing my hw right now]
i have these 2 best friends, they're both boys and for "confidentiality sake" we'll call them
Tall Boy
and
Short Boy
[haha o that's funny]
so anywho, tall boy has been my friend since last....hmm around April i think, when we went out for 2 weeks...just cause but then broke up and i think that was the best thing that's ever happened to me because tall boy is now my best friend in the world and i wouldn't have known him if we never had our "thing" haha ;) o and it's his bday today :) random = moving on
now on to short boy
eh. well this story's a bit more complicated. but ill shorten it up. when i came to a new school in 7th grade in then beautiful state of Montana [Missoula to be exact] short boy was nice to me [eventually] and decided to befriend me because i was an awesome black girl and he liked my hair [it was curly (then cause now's it boring and wavy/stright) - mix of straight asian and black ppl hair hahah, pretty cool]. so ya we were tight for a while till that summer rolled around and officially he started to like me as more than a friend [wayyy more] [yup i kno this story well, y im digging back in my memory to tell it? no clue] and blah blah i wasnt allowed to date cause my mother's like a nun [only married] but eventually i was just like screw dat and we went out -- off and on relationship thru all of 8th grade and he was the 1st boy i ever loved.
then i moved.
and we stayed as close as we cold - we became just best friends [course it took a while for the "more than friendly feelings to pass - me = like 6 months]
but eventually...after those 6 months...somethin happened with our friendship. alot of things...messed up. but bottom line is we're not so close anymore. him and me. actually we don't take at all. ever. it's been awhile. since we had a fight like a month ago i think. idk time goes so fast...but ya that's all i wanted to say...and i miss him, i won't lie and say i don't. he'll always have a part of me...no matter how things r between us
it's sad how life can be sometimes, when u loose the people u care about...just cause
alright later... :)
s*j
i have these 2 best friends, they're both boys and for "confidentiality sake" we'll call them
Tall Boy
and
Short Boy
[haha o that's funny]
so anywho, tall boy has been my friend since last....hmm around April i think, when we went out for 2 weeks...just cause but then broke up and i think that was the best thing that's ever happened to me because tall boy is now my best friend in the world and i wouldn't have known him if we never had our "thing" haha ;) o and it's his bday today :) random = moving on
now on to short boy
eh. well this story's a bit more complicated. but ill shorten it up. when i came to a new school in 7th grade in then beautiful state of Montana [Missoula to be exact] short boy was nice to me [eventually] and decided to befriend me because i was an awesome black girl and he liked my hair [it was curly (then cause now's it boring and wavy/stright) - mix of straight asian and black ppl hair hahah, pretty cool]. so ya we were tight for a while till that summer rolled around and officially he started to like me as more than a friend [wayyy more] [yup i kno this story well, y im digging back in my memory to tell it? no clue] and blah blah i wasnt allowed to date cause my mother's like a nun [only married] but eventually i was just like screw dat and we went out -- off and on relationship thru all of 8th grade and he was the 1st boy i ever loved.
then i moved.
and we stayed as close as we cold - we became just best friends [course it took a while for the "more than friendly feelings to pass - me = like 6 months]
but eventually...after those 6 months...somethin happened with our friendship. alot of things...messed up. but bottom line is we're not so close anymore. him and me. actually we don't take at all. ever. it's been awhile. since we had a fight like a month ago i think. idk time goes so fast...but ya that's all i wanted to say...and i miss him, i won't lie and say i don't. he'll always have a part of me...no matter how things r between us
it's sad how life can be sometimes, when u loose the people u care about...just cause
alright later... :)
s*j
Sunday, February 15, 2009
sometimes the fact that time seems to go by so quickly [for me at least] could be a bad thing...like when the weekends end as fast as they begin... :(
aw dang. i dunno if im gonna have time to write/post chapter 3!!! :( this sucks. i have to read like 2 frickin longggg chapters of To Kill A Mockingbird for English :P uhg. AND shower. damn time...goes to fast...*sigh*
o well...ill try? ok..ok bye
s*j
o well...ill try? ok..ok bye
s*j
A Nerd @ Heart <3 haha
omg. i am sooooooooo proud of myself haha. i FINALLY raised my grades and now my 2 lowest r A-'s in Algebra 2 and English :P yay! this is so exciting....haha i mean really tho, this school is sooooo effing easy compared to my old boarding school so straight A's should be cake. lol
eh. gotta do my homework and be RESPONSIBLE. and MANAGE MY TIME. *eye roll* [accoring to my mother dearest]
so im gonna be back soon - ish to write chapter 4. well SOMETIME today i promise. i need to write....its good for my soul. and god knows my soul needs help ha ok so ya. later!
s*j
eh. gotta do my homework and be RESPONSIBLE. and MANAGE MY TIME. *eye roll* [accoring to my mother dearest]
so im gonna be back soon - ish to write chapter 4. well SOMETIME today i promise. i need to write....its good for my soul. and god knows my soul needs help ha ok so ya. later!
s*j
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Angel - 3 (ok fine i guess im keepin the name -- too much work to change it)
Chapter Three
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
~I Miss You by blink-182
~*Eric*~
That’s what the clock said as I turned into the school parking lot. I got out of the car, and taking my stuff with me, walked towards the bus. I saw Brett Peterson and Jack Austin, 2 of my best friends, at storage hold on the side of the bus.
“Eric!” Brett called out to me, waving like a manic.
Oh, great. This was going to be a long ride. Then again, it always was.
“Mountain Dew?” I asked Jack, knowingly, once I got to them.
“Yup, and I would’ve stopped him for once, if I had remembered. Actually, I can’t believe I forgot.” Jack told me.
It was a yearly tradition, ever since 8th grade, for Brett to get high on gallons of Mountain Dew on the bus ride to football camp, or well in this case before. We all drank it, but Brett’s body never got used to the sugar intake, which left him bouncing off the walls – more so than usual. He was naturally a happy guy.
I just laughed.
“Hey, man.” I said when I turned to Brett.
“You pumped for this? I’m pumped. I am pumped. To the MAX! Senior year, betches!” He yelled in a girly voice, and did a “cha-ching” arm movement thigny.
Jack and I looked at each other for a second – then burst out laughing.
And we’re off.
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
~I Miss You by blink-182
~*Eric*~
*BEEP*
*BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Damn alarm clock. I slammed my hand down on the snooze button to shut the thing up.
I slowly opened my unwilling eyes to the brightness of the sun coming through my window. The clock said 7:00 AM. My head was pounding, and I felt as though I just woke up from a coma or something. How long had I been sleeping?
Ugh, that’s right. I remembered now what had happened – the dream last night…the angel…or girl, whoever she was. I had thought it was real at first. Of course when I woke up I realized it wasn’t. I couldn’t get back to sleep until almost 4. So I spent 2 hours in the driveway shooting hoops to clear my head. It didn’t work. I still couldn’t get her out of my head.
Sitting up, I ran my hand through my tangled mess of hair and groaned. That dream was gonna torture me for awhile, I could tell. She was mesmerizing and the fact that I recognized things about her like her brown amethyst eyes…and that locket, but I couldn’t figure out how or what triggered it. And those lips…that feeling. God. This was bad. It was just a frickin dream. It wasn’t real, but I felt as though I had felt that feeling before…in another life almost…
I sighed. I need to put this girl out of my mind. She’s doesn’t even exist….
Distractions – Varsity Football Camp starts today. Knew there was a reason why I had an alarm on the weekend. One week of nothing but football before school started, sounds like the perfect distraction.
I had already packed the night before. The bus left from school to Tampa (where the camp was at) at 8, and it took 20 minutes for me to drive to school.
I took a shower, then got dressed and grabbed my suitcase and gym bag, running downstairs to eat the breakfast I could smell my mom cooking – eggs and bacon. I felt my stomach growl.
“Hey, Mom. Morning.” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Morning, Ricky. You better hurry up and eat since you have—”
she paused to look at the clock, “20 minutes to get to school.”
“Alright, alright. Whatever you say…” I laughed.
“And I mean 20 minutes without driving like a maniac.” She said sternly – or at least she attempted to be stern. There was a hint of an exasperated smile in her voice. She knew I always drove too fast and somehow always made it where I needed to go on time – every time. She disapproved, of course, but never really enforced her concern.
I wolfed down the rest of my eggs and bacon, then gulped down my orange juice.
“See ya, Mom.” I told her, grabbing my keys from the counter, then kissing her check again.
“Have fun! And be careful!” She called to me, as I was already half-way out the front door. I didn’t bother saying bye to my dad…he was in his study. There were few occasions when he ever left it, or stopped working – being co-partner to the Hirch of Channing & Hirch Law Firm left little time for a family life.
I revved the engine of my ’67 Chevy Impala and started to drive at record, borderline past the speed limit, speed to school.
One thing you should know about me is that I’m kind of obsessed with old cars. I had wanted an Impala ever since I saw one at an Antique Car Show that one of my dad’s clients had invited us to. Our family wasn’t as severed back then. I was only 10, but still I knew what I wanted. When I make a decision, it takes a lot to make me waver from it.
7:57 AM
*BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Damn alarm clock. I slammed my hand down on the snooze button to shut the thing up.
I slowly opened my unwilling eyes to the brightness of the sun coming through my window. The clock said 7:00 AM. My head was pounding, and I felt as though I just woke up from a coma or something. How long had I been sleeping?
Ugh, that’s right. I remembered now what had happened – the dream last night…the angel…or girl, whoever she was. I had thought it was real at first. Of course when I woke up I realized it wasn’t. I couldn’t get back to sleep until almost 4. So I spent 2 hours in the driveway shooting hoops to clear my head. It didn’t work. I still couldn’t get her out of my head.
Sitting up, I ran my hand through my tangled mess of hair and groaned. That dream was gonna torture me for awhile, I could tell. She was mesmerizing and the fact that I recognized things about her like her brown amethyst eyes…and that locket, but I couldn’t figure out how or what triggered it. And those lips…that feeling. God. This was bad. It was just a frickin dream. It wasn’t real, but I felt as though I had felt that feeling before…in another life almost…
I sighed. I need to put this girl out of my mind. She’s doesn’t even exist….
Distractions – Varsity Football Camp starts today. Knew there was a reason why I had an alarm on the weekend. One week of nothing but football before school started, sounds like the perfect distraction.
I had already packed the night before. The bus left from school to Tampa (where the camp was at) at 8, and it took 20 minutes for me to drive to school.
I took a shower, then got dressed and grabbed my suitcase and gym bag, running downstairs to eat the breakfast I could smell my mom cooking – eggs and bacon. I felt my stomach growl.
“Hey, Mom. Morning.” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Morning, Ricky. You better hurry up and eat since you have—”
she paused to look at the clock, “20 minutes to get to school.”
“Alright, alright. Whatever you say…” I laughed.
“And I mean 20 minutes without driving like a maniac.” She said sternly – or at least she attempted to be stern. There was a hint of an exasperated smile in her voice. She knew I always drove too fast and somehow always made it where I needed to go on time – every time. She disapproved, of course, but never really enforced her concern.
I wolfed down the rest of my eggs and bacon, then gulped down my orange juice.
“See ya, Mom.” I told her, grabbing my keys from the counter, then kissing her check again.
“Have fun! And be careful!” She called to me, as I was already half-way out the front door. I didn’t bother saying bye to my dad…he was in his study. There were few occasions when he ever left it, or stopped working – being co-partner to the Hirch of Channing & Hirch Law Firm left little time for a family life.
I revved the engine of my ’67 Chevy Impala and started to drive at record, borderline past the speed limit, speed to school.
One thing you should know about me is that I’m kind of obsessed with old cars. I had wanted an Impala ever since I saw one at an Antique Car Show that one of my dad’s clients had invited us to. Our family wasn’t as severed back then. I was only 10, but still I knew what I wanted. When I make a decision, it takes a lot to make me waver from it.
7:57 AM
That’s what the clock said as I turned into the school parking lot. I got out of the car, and taking my stuff with me, walked towards the bus. I saw Brett Peterson and Jack Austin, 2 of my best friends, at storage hold on the side of the bus.
“Eric!” Brett called out to me, waving like a manic.
Oh, great. This was going to be a long ride. Then again, it always was.
“Mountain Dew?” I asked Jack, knowingly, once I got to them.
“Yup, and I would’ve stopped him for once, if I had remembered. Actually, I can’t believe I forgot.” Jack told me.
It was a yearly tradition, ever since 8th grade, for Brett to get high on gallons of Mountain Dew on the bus ride to football camp, or well in this case before. We all drank it, but Brett’s body never got used to the sugar intake, which left him bouncing off the walls – more so than usual. He was naturally a happy guy.
I just laughed.
“Hey, man.” I said when I turned to Brett.
“You pumped for this? I’m pumped. I am pumped. To the MAX! Senior year, betches!” He yelled in a girly voice, and did a “cha-ching” arm movement thigny.
Jack and I looked at each other for a second – then burst out laughing.
And we’re off.
Curing "Writer's Block" by Force
hey there,
yupp i'm back. miss me? :)
so i just thought i'd announce my return -- or more like THE return of my current story ~ u know, Angel. but you know actually i think i'm gonna change the name....Angel just sounds dumb now....not very...right.
yupp i'm back. miss me? :)
so i just thought i'd announce my return -- or more like THE return of my current story ~ u know, Angel. but you know actually i think i'm gonna change the name....Angel just sounds dumb now....not very...right.
so how bout.... Untitled
haha i like it. that's good. ok so next post = chapter 3 of Untitled
i'll be back in a few =]
xoxo,
S
Believe
....so give me something to believe, cause i am living just to breathe, and i need something more...to keep on breathing for...so give me something to believe....
~Believe by The Bravery
*sigh*
life.
it's quite something, isn't it?
[[[[[[quite a bitch]]]]]]]
but
music.
my refuge...my sanity... <3
try to give u warning but everyone ignores me
told u everything loud and clear
but nobody's listening
call to u so clearly, but u don't want to hear me
told u everything loud and clear
but no body's listening
i got a
heart full of pain
head full of stress
handful of anger held in my chest
~Nobody's Listening by Linkin Park
would she hear me, if i called her name? would she hold me if she knew my shame?
....ur tears dont fall they crash around me
her conscience calls the guilty to come home
ur tears don't fall they crash around me
her conscience calls the guilty to come home
~Tears Don't Fall by Bullet For My Valentine {band = fricckkkin awesome = PERFECT for today haahha ;p}
if u havent picked up the hint these lyrics r like.....my own words. they'r my thoughts and what's goin on in my head....that's how music works for me -- it takes messed up shit and turns it into pretty sound haha and there u have it - melodies, symphanies, beats, rests ~ all that good stuff
oo i have recently decided that i'm changing the name of my character [in Angel], Leila's name to................[dude, i am so going to become deaf one day hahah -- too loud music]
her new name is.......... Lili {pronounced Lilly but spelled cooler. o yes}
if u wanna get out alive.....hold on for ur life. if u wanna get out alive...hold on for ur life. if u wanna get out alive, hold on for ur life.......if i stay it won't be long till im burning on the inside. if i go i can only hope that ill make it to the other side....if i go...and if i go
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
~Get Out Alive by Three Days Grace
sorry! i HAD to.... :D haha
seems like ur wanting me to stay.....but my dreams would surely waste away...and i still have nowhere else to go....so i wait for u to...take me al the way...take me all the way
PUSH ME UNDER
PULL ME FARTHER
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
PUSH ME UNDER
PULL ME FARTHER
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
~Take Me Under by Three Days Grace
dang it. sorry again...this playlist is addictive.
uhg...my neck hurts...feels like i got this knot. dude wtf. i need to sleep....gosh and i was gonna talk bout deep important philosophical stuff! :(
o well...tomo maybe..if im not o so superbusy and/or sleeping lotsss. hehe
ciao <3
sarah*jane
'ay, wait up. since it's valentines day i should tell y'allz y i hate valentines. u kno now that im thinkin back to it this is a stupid reason to hate a holiday but then seriously it sucks when im dating someone AND just as much when im single -- so it's not just the ex-bf factor. nahnah
last year's valentines day -- was on a thursday i believe.....and from that day till that sunday = the worst weekend of my life. cause i remember it vividly and the pain and all the fun adolescent shit. ha good times, man.
that was the weekend when the boy who was my first boyfriend & first "love" broke up with me because [as i would later find out, when we got back together a few months later -- ya don't ask] he had "fallen out of love with me".
hey girls out there, a word of advice. don't date a player, even if he is a "good guy" and "sweet" and a "good friend" but a man whore, bottom line -- looking at him from a girlfriend perspective. he'll fuck u up and ull never think of "love" the same way again.
that's y i like movies - they show u what everyone in this world wants love to actaully be like. but then again what am i saying? everything i say bout love is jack. me and my tainted heart....so all you need is love, Beatles? that is what u say after all. hmmm well i used to believe that.....and when the day comes around that i do again --- well ill still hate [or maybe just not care bout/dislike] valentine's day ~ but for different reasons. like pink is ew. >>>> hahah
byebye :)
xoxo
~Believe by The Bravery
*sigh*
life.
it's quite something, isn't it?
[[[[[[quite a bitch]]]]]]]
but
music.
my refuge...my sanity... <3
try to give u warning but everyone ignores me
told u everything loud and clear
but nobody's listening
call to u so clearly, but u don't want to hear me
told u everything loud and clear
but no body's listening
i got a
heart full of pain
head full of stress
handful of anger held in my chest
~Nobody's Listening by Linkin Park
would she hear me, if i called her name? would she hold me if she knew my shame?
....ur tears dont fall they crash around me
her conscience calls the guilty to come home
ur tears don't fall they crash around me
her conscience calls the guilty to come home
~Tears Don't Fall by Bullet For My Valentine {band = fricckkkin awesome = PERFECT for today haahha ;p}
if u havent picked up the hint these lyrics r like.....my own words. they'r my thoughts and what's goin on in my head....that's how music works for me -- it takes messed up shit and turns it into pretty sound haha and there u have it - melodies, symphanies, beats, rests ~ all that good stuff
oo i have recently decided that i'm changing the name of my character [in Angel], Leila's name to................[dude, i am so going to become deaf one day hahah -- too loud music]
her new name is.......... Lili {pronounced Lilly but spelled cooler. o yes}
if u wanna get out alive.....hold on for ur life. if u wanna get out alive...hold on for ur life. if u wanna get out alive, hold on for ur life.......if i stay it won't be long till im burning on the inside. if i go i can only hope that ill make it to the other side....if i go...and if i go
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
~Get Out Alive by Three Days Grace
sorry! i HAD to.... :D haha
seems like ur wanting me to stay.....but my dreams would surely waste away...and i still have nowhere else to go....so i wait for u to...take me al the way...take me all the way
PUSH ME UNDER
PULL ME FARTHER
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
PUSH ME UNDER
PULL ME FARTHER
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY
~Take Me Under by Three Days Grace
dang it. sorry again...this playlist is addictive.
uhg...my neck hurts...feels like i got this knot. dude wtf. i need to sleep....gosh and i was gonna talk bout deep important philosophical stuff! :(
o well...tomo maybe..if im not o so superbusy and/or sleeping lotsss. hehe
ciao <3
sarah*jane
'ay, wait up. since it's valentines day i should tell y'allz y i hate valentines. u kno now that im thinkin back to it this is a stupid reason to hate a holiday but then seriously it sucks when im dating someone AND just as much when im single -- so it's not just the ex-bf factor. nahnah
last year's valentines day -- was on a thursday i believe.....and from that day till that sunday = the worst weekend of my life. cause i remember it vividly and the pain and all the fun adolescent shit. ha good times, man.
that was the weekend when the boy who was my first boyfriend & first "love" broke up with me because [as i would later find out, when we got back together a few months later -- ya don't ask] he had "fallen out of love with me".
hey girls out there, a word of advice. don't date a player, even if he is a "good guy" and "sweet" and a "good friend" but a man whore, bottom line -- looking at him from a girlfriend perspective. he'll fuck u up and ull never think of "love" the same way again.
that's y i like movies - they show u what everyone in this world wants love to actaully be like. but then again what am i saying? everything i say bout love is jack. me and my tainted heart....so all you need is love, Beatles? that is what u say after all. hmmm well i used to believe that.....and when the day comes around that i do again --- well ill still hate [or maybe just not care bout/dislike] valentine's day ~ but for different reasons. like pink is ew. >>>> hahah
byebye :)
xoxo
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
it's been awhile [haha that's such a frickin depressing song ------ by Staind. heard it playin the other day durin weightlifitin in gym! coolio]
aww crappers. i gotta go take a shower then study for my Phy. Sci. test on fridayyyyyyyyy all before my BEDTIME = 10:30. arg. i really wanna write stuff tho.....i totally promised myself and ppl readin this [even tho well that's probably no one but still. No One is awesome. No One understands me ~ not many do, man.]
and i just wanna................write & write & write some more cause it = release for me....from reality. but then there's that thing about time..and not having enough....
*sigh*
oo lala. cardio day tomo. o & for those of you-s who dont kno what that is ~ cardio day = 10 crunches [or suicides in basketball - same thing]. 1 rest for 2 minues. next one -- rest. and on and on. it takes the whole period, & actaully they're not all that bad. gotta get back in shape for track, which starts on the 23rd. im exciteddddddddd :D
oo there's a dance on fridayyy. Valentines Day Dance. i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee valentines day tho. cause it's stupid and consumer-driven [according to this one person who told me that this one time and it sounded good so im using it]. and those little heart thingy that say like "be mine" and all that #$&% are sicknasty. o yeahhhhhhhh that's my new word, homies.
sicknasty. hehe awesome-ly awesome.
okie dokie so
i think ill be back after i shower....possiblyyyyyyy or i might just sleep. cause i like sleep....it's good. heavenly....specially since i don't dream anymore.... mmmhmm
=] talk to u laterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. No One. haha :D
and i just wanna................write & write & write some more cause it = release for me....from reality. but then there's that thing about time..and not having enough....
*sigh*
oo lala. cardio day tomo. o & for those of you-s who dont kno what that is ~ cardio day = 10 crunches [or suicides in basketball - same thing]. 1 rest for 2 minues. next one -- rest. and on and on. it takes the whole period, & actaully they're not all that bad. gotta get back in shape for track, which starts on the 23rd. im exciteddddddddd :D
oo there's a dance on fridayyy. Valentines Day Dance. i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee valentines day tho. cause it's stupid and consumer-driven [according to this one person who told me that this one time and it sounded good so im using it]. and those little heart thingy that say like "be mine" and all that #$&% are sicknasty. o yeahhhhhhhh that's my new word, homies.
sicknasty. hehe awesome-ly awesome.
okie dokie so
i think ill be back after i shower....possiblyyyyyyy or i might just sleep. cause i like sleep....it's good. heavenly....specially since i don't dream anymore.... mmmhmm
=] talk to u laterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. No One. haha :D
Sunday, February 8, 2009
what chu doin wit yo life, kid? [hahah awesome gangsta voice right there *snort* ;)]
heeeeeey whoever u r who's stumbled across this and just happens to decide to read it,
i'm bored.
actaully wait wait wait. this is not true. well...it is but it's not at the same time causeee see i have something i could be doing now = cleaning my room, washing my clothes, my world hist. project, algebra 2 homework, etc.etc. u kno that @#$% good little gurls do. butttttttttttttttt i'm being lazy and procrastinating/nusing my new found blogging/photoshoping-w/o-photoshop ~ obsession. good lord i need to get a life. hahaha, but u kno what does that even mean? "a life". it just means always being busy really. like never having any free time to just chill and be a teenage bum. and ill have "a life" very soon -- with track+speech @ the same time = ill have no free weekends to be lazy anymore :( *sigh* so im livin in the moment, homies. hahaha ;p
o crapper i have to read too....................shi-ite. ok. what. shi-ite>?>?>?>? where did that come from. i should make a list of frickin stupid words that ppl use cause they think they're cool but they're really...not cause they're gay. that would be one hell of a list.
it's really pretty outside. i think it was warm too when we went out ealier. and i wanna go running...... :( but im afraid if i do any vigorous physical excercize my poor head's gonna explode cause i only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night & havent collapsed yet thank goodness.
dude. i havent talked to any of my friends this weekend.....well except for one......and after that 2 text convo. i almost broke my phone......*sigh* it's sad. and i should be more beat up about it but im not. in fact i don't really give a shit about 2-faced-players who r assholes/my ex-boyfriend whom i thought was my best friend but ppl change and friendships fade with time. i've lived, lossed, and learned from my mistakes. u think we're all just better off alone? no...ur right. i don't think that's tru either. but bottom line is im a loner @ heart and i'm surviving. i'm an outsider and i don't really care. at one point in time i thought i'd found my place in this world...but now when i look back on it all i realize i didn't. maybe it's juse teenagers. when ur best friend moves to a differnt state/school @ first u try to keep in touch alot but the forces of the universe want it to be a differnt way ---- talk less......drift apart.....ur separate lives get in the way....not seeing each other as much.....it happens. life happens.
so that's really my only "worry" right now.....and some family shit. but im learning to tune them [step-father+mother] out....one day at a time, that's the best i got. ttyllllllllllllllllllllllll :)
x3 s*j
p.s. is this not a friggin awesome picture or what?!?!?!!??!?!?!? hahahahha :D
*sigh* my new-found obsession rocks ;)
i'm bored.
actaully wait wait wait. this is not true. well...it is but it's not at the same time causeee see i have something i could be doing now = cleaning my room, washing my clothes, my world hist. project, algebra 2 homework, etc.etc. u kno that @#$% good little gurls do. butttttttttttttttt i'm being lazy and procrastinating/nusing my new found blogging/photoshoping-w/o-photoshop ~ obsession. good lord i need to get a life. hahaha, but u kno what does that even mean? "a life". it just means always being busy really. like never having any free time to just chill and be a teenage bum. and ill have "a life" very soon -- with track+speech @ the same time = ill have no free weekends to be lazy anymore :( *sigh* so im livin in the moment, homies. hahaha ;p
o crapper i have to read too....................shi-ite. ok. what. shi-ite>?>?>?>? where did that come from. i should make a list of frickin stupid words that ppl use cause they think they're cool but they're really...not cause they're gay. that would be one hell of a list.
it's really pretty outside. i think it was warm too when we went out ealier. and i wanna go running...... :( but im afraid if i do any vigorous physical excercize my poor head's gonna explode cause i only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night & havent collapsed yet thank goodness.
dude. i havent talked to any of my friends this weekend.....well except for one......and after that 2 text convo. i almost broke my phone......*sigh* it's sad. and i should be more beat up about it but im not. in fact i don't really give a shit about 2-faced-players who r assholes/my ex-boyfriend whom i thought was my best friend but ppl change and friendships fade with time. i've lived, lossed, and learned from my mistakes. u think we're all just better off alone? no...ur right. i don't think that's tru either. but bottom line is im a loner @ heart and i'm surviving. i'm an outsider and i don't really care. at one point in time i thought i'd found my place in this world...but now when i look back on it all i realize i didn't. maybe it's juse teenagers. when ur best friend moves to a differnt state/school @ first u try to keep in touch alot but the forces of the universe want it to be a differnt way ---- talk less......drift apart.....ur separate lives get in the way....not seeing each other as much.....it happens. life happens.
so that's really my only "worry" right now.....and some family shit. but im learning to tune them [step-father+mother] out....one day at a time, that's the best i got. ttyllllllllllllllllllllllll :)
x3 s*j
p.s. is this not a friggin awesome picture or what?!?!?!!??!?!?!? hahahahha :D
*sigh* my new-found obsession rocks ;)
Angel - 2
Chapter Two
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
~My Immortal by Evanescence
A/N: just a little background mostly to know about Lilia and Eric’s past
~*Lilia*~
London. I sighed heavily, leaning back against the cool leather seat of the plane as it was taking off. God, I was going to miss this place. I had been living in London, English with my family: Mom, Dad, and Noah, my new baby brother, for 8 years now. I had fell in love with the city as soon as my 9 year old self got out of that plane after it touched down at London International. Ever since I could remember, I had always dreamed of living in Europe because I love to travel more than anything. So the day my dad told us that his company was relocating him to the UK and that we would be leaving in just a week. It was both the most exciting and horrible day of my life.
Why horrible, may you ask? 2 words, one person.
Eric Channing.
I’d known him since I was born practically. We were next door neighbors and our mothers had gone to college together, and they were best friends just like me and Eric were – utterly and completely inseparable. He was the boy next door, and the day I found out I would have to leave him and probably never see him again…well let’s just say I didn’t know what mixed feeling were until then.
I remember it all like it was yesterday, probably because I have this awesome “cannot forget anything” memory.
That one week went by too fast; even though Eric and I made the most of the time I had left being attached at the hip more so than usual. We played tag (I always wuped his butt because I was way faster than him. I lived for running, and still do), went to the beach (we lived in Miami and our houses were on the beach front), hung out in his room (not mine since it was borderline empty then because of packing), played video games (he taught me how, since I starting out being horrible at them), and just did everything. We always had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.
On the day of our flight, he and his mom and dad came with us to the airport to see us off. When they announced it was time for our flight to board, I completely broke down. I threw my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest (he was tall for a nine year old – almost 5 inches taller than me), soaking it with tears. He cried too. I had never seen him cry before that day. He always seemed so tough in my eyes – my strong best friend, the boy who would always protect me. I could never forget him.
Our goodbye lasted as long as we could make it. Our parents were hugging and crying and talking as well, so they were paying us no mind. I finally pulled away from him so that I would look him in the eyes. I had always loved his eyes because they were this pretty blue-green color, but they changed. When he was happy they’d turn greener, sad – bluer, and when he was just mellow they’d be equally blue-green. He had the coolest wavy dirty blond hair ever; it was always too long and in his eyes, and it made me laugh when he flipped it out of his face. I used to tell him he looked like a pretty boy male model when he did it.
When we looked at each other, I tried to smile after I wiped my tears away. He smiled at me too.
“I’m gonna miss you Lili…way way too much...why do you have to go?” He said, looking down at me.
“I know Ricky…I’m sorry it sucks like no other. I’m gonna miss you way more though.” I told him back.
“I…I got something for you. A goodbye present I guess. Bought it with my own money too,” he laughed, “I saw it and just thought you’d like it…” Eric took the gift out of his pocket, then my hand from my side and placed something tiny and cool in it. It was a necklace, a locket actually with a heart shaped amethyst stone set into it. I opened the locket to see a picture of him and me in it. My mom (brilliant portrait photographer that she is) took the picture of us one day when we playing in my backyard. We didn’t want to, but she insisted that we would thank her one day – memories, she had said. We were 7 at the time.
But back to the story.
I gasped. The locket was gorgeous, and not to mention expensive looking. Of course, both our parents had money, but he said he bought it himself.
As I was in shock, I barely noticed Eric taking the locket out of my hands then moving behind me and telling me to hold up my hair so he could put it on. But I held up my hair, still kind of in a daze, and he put the locket on me. It felt nice against my skin, like I should be there.
When he came back in front of me, I came back to reality.
“I know purple’s your favorite color…and the amethyst matches the purple-y-ness, if that’s a word, in your eyes.” He told me, almost shyly, and with his hands in his pockets.
I smiled up at his tall figure. “Thank you, Eric. It’s beautiful. Best present ever. Oh dude, I feel horrible though cause I didn’t think to get you anything, which was really really stupid of me…” My smile turned into a frown when I realized that.
Eric laughed – at my smile-frown face probably, and said, “Nah, it’s cool. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you like it.”
“Like it? You mean love it.” I sighed, took a second to think, and then said, “But you must get a present too, since it’s only fair, and…and I know what I’m gonna give you!” Triumph was evident in my voice and inside I was snickering mischievously. He won’t know what hit him. Oh, this “gift” is perfect.
He looked at me suspiciously, probably raising an eyebrow, but I couldn’t tell with all that hair of his. “What the gift?”
“This.”
I stood up on my tippy toes, closed my eyes, and bam! I kissed my best friend full on the lips, just like that. It was only a peck, but I felt this tingling sensation flood through my whole body in that milli-second. I pulled away, and then opened my eyes.
I looked at Eric, who was standing there, hands still in his pockets, and silent with shock.
I giggled. “This way you know what’s it’s like to kiss a girl. And I get to be your first kiss. Awesome present, in my opinion.”
Before he could say anything, the lady at the counter announced the final boarding call for out flight. I looked around and no one else was in the chairs around us anymore. All this had happened in only 10 minutes.
“Lili, honey, we have to go now.” My mom called from the counter where our parents were now waiting. I prayed to God that she didn’t see the kiss.
“’Kay, I’m coming, just one sec.” I called back to her.
Turning back to Eric, I sighed and said, “Guess it’s time then…”
“Yeah…” he relplied. We stood there for a fraction of a second before hugged him tightly again, so tight I wondered if he could breathe still. He hugged me back just as tightly though.
“I love you, Lili.” He whispered in my ear, “And you’re right that was an awesome present.”
“I love you too, Ricky. I’ll never stop loving you, best-est friend in the world. Promise you’ll never forget me?”
“Promise.” He smiled at me and I returned one of my own. Then I broke our embrace.
“Bye, Ricky.” I whispered, slowly and reluctantly backing away from him and going towards my patiently waiting parents.
“Bye, Lili.”
It took all the strength I had in my little 9 year old heart to turn away from that boy. But I finally braved it and walked quickly towards my parents. Eric’s parents were there and I hugged Mr. and Mrs. Channing and said good bye to them, before turning around to look at Eric one last time before I walked down the ramp and into the plane. He was standing in the same exact place I had left him, only facing where I was now. I waved at him. He waved back. And then I turned around and walked away from my best friend, from the first boy I gave my heart to.
That was the day my heart first broke – the day I said good bye to Eric Channing for forever. At least that’s what I thought.
Now 8 years later, I’m 17 years old. I just finished Year 13 (equivalent to at my junior year) at Worthington Academy in London, which I absolutely loved. My 3 best friends Ariel, Marie, and Emma said they’d keep in touch, and I’ll see them again next summer since I promised to come visit, of course. And you know that whole thing about British guys being hot and their accents totally dreamy? It’s true – every word of it. The guys at my school were rich and handsome, mostly stuck up, but there were the fair few who weren’t. I’ve had a total of 3 boyfriends in my short life – all British. But I’ve never loved any of them. I haven’t truly loved a boy since Eric, which is kind of sad, huh. Oh well, boys are just fun to me. They’re not worth getting all lovesick doe-eyed over. I’ve seen my best friends’ hearts get broken way too many times, and I like being the level headed not boy crazy one, thank you very much.
Ooh and did I mention that over the 8 years I’ve lived in the UK, I’ve picked up a British accent? It’s so awesome. ½ black, ½ white (my mom’s white & my dad’s black), and has a British accent. That’s me!
Right now, my family and I are on a flight back to, you guessed it, Miami, Florida – the good ‘ol U.S. of A, back to our old house, which we hadn’t sold, just rented out for these past 8 years. Good bye, lovely London. Damn, my dad’s job for moving us across countries. We were going back because he got promoted (again) and his new job requires him to be back at “headquarters” a.k.a. in Miami.
But you know surprisingly, I’m all good with all this. I kind of missed America…then of course there’s my whole “don’t worry, be happy” cause “every little thing is gonna be alright” Bob Marley (my hero) inspired “life philosophy” I got going on. Oh yeah, I’m so all good, it’s freaky. I ponder…what lies behind this “good”-ness. Hey, let’s not think about that at the moment. Let’s take a nap instead!
Quite lying to yourself, Brown. You’re going to have to face the truth (among other things) in approximately…8 hours and 20 minutes.
Yeah well you know what stupid little voice, I don’t wanna, so I am going to sleep. Don’t let the frickin bed bugs bite.
I turned a bit to get more comfortable in my squishy leather chair –gotta love first class. In front of me, my dad was already snoring away like there was no tomorrow, and my mom was singing Noah to sleep in her arms. I had a window seat, and the middle-age dude in a suit next to me was snoring away too.
“Jeeze, why do guys snore so loud?” I asked aloud. Of course, no one answered.
“Whatever.”
I lay my head against the window, cleared the thoughts from my head, and breathed slowly until the darkness of sleep consumed me.
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
~My Immortal by Evanescence
A/N: just a little background mostly to know about Lilia and Eric’s past
~*Lilia*~
London. I sighed heavily, leaning back against the cool leather seat of the plane as it was taking off. God, I was going to miss this place. I had been living in London, English with my family: Mom, Dad, and Noah, my new baby brother, for 8 years now. I had fell in love with the city as soon as my 9 year old self got out of that plane after it touched down at London International. Ever since I could remember, I had always dreamed of living in Europe because I love to travel more than anything. So the day my dad told us that his company was relocating him to the UK and that we would be leaving in just a week. It was both the most exciting and horrible day of my life.
Why horrible, may you ask? 2 words, one person.
Eric Channing.
I’d known him since I was born practically. We were next door neighbors and our mothers had gone to college together, and they were best friends just like me and Eric were – utterly and completely inseparable. He was the boy next door, and the day I found out I would have to leave him and probably never see him again…well let’s just say I didn’t know what mixed feeling were until then.
I remember it all like it was yesterday, probably because I have this awesome “cannot forget anything” memory.
That one week went by too fast; even though Eric and I made the most of the time I had left being attached at the hip more so than usual. We played tag (I always wuped his butt because I was way faster than him. I lived for running, and still do), went to the beach (we lived in Miami and our houses were on the beach front), hung out in his room (not mine since it was borderline empty then because of packing), played video games (he taught me how, since I starting out being horrible at them), and just did everything. We always had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.
On the day of our flight, he and his mom and dad came with us to the airport to see us off. When they announced it was time for our flight to board, I completely broke down. I threw my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest (he was tall for a nine year old – almost 5 inches taller than me), soaking it with tears. He cried too. I had never seen him cry before that day. He always seemed so tough in my eyes – my strong best friend, the boy who would always protect me. I could never forget him.
Our goodbye lasted as long as we could make it. Our parents were hugging and crying and talking as well, so they were paying us no mind. I finally pulled away from him so that I would look him in the eyes. I had always loved his eyes because they were this pretty blue-green color, but they changed. When he was happy they’d turn greener, sad – bluer, and when he was just mellow they’d be equally blue-green. He had the coolest wavy dirty blond hair ever; it was always too long and in his eyes, and it made me laugh when he flipped it out of his face. I used to tell him he looked like a pretty boy male model when he did it.
When we looked at each other, I tried to smile after I wiped my tears away. He smiled at me too.
“I’m gonna miss you Lili…way way too much...why do you have to go?” He said, looking down at me.
“I know Ricky…I’m sorry it sucks like no other. I’m gonna miss you way more though.” I told him back.
“I…I got something for you. A goodbye present I guess. Bought it with my own money too,” he laughed, “I saw it and just thought you’d like it…” Eric took the gift out of his pocket, then my hand from my side and placed something tiny and cool in it. It was a necklace, a locket actually with a heart shaped amethyst stone set into it. I opened the locket to see a picture of him and me in it. My mom (brilliant portrait photographer that she is) took the picture of us one day when we playing in my backyard. We didn’t want to, but she insisted that we would thank her one day – memories, she had said. We were 7 at the time.
But back to the story.
I gasped. The locket was gorgeous, and not to mention expensive looking. Of course, both our parents had money, but he said he bought it himself.
As I was in shock, I barely noticed Eric taking the locket out of my hands then moving behind me and telling me to hold up my hair so he could put it on. But I held up my hair, still kind of in a daze, and he put the locket on me. It felt nice against my skin, like I should be there.
When he came back in front of me, I came back to reality.
“I know purple’s your favorite color…and the amethyst matches the purple-y-ness, if that’s a word, in your eyes.” He told me, almost shyly, and with his hands in his pockets.
I smiled up at his tall figure. “Thank you, Eric. It’s beautiful. Best present ever. Oh dude, I feel horrible though cause I didn’t think to get you anything, which was really really stupid of me…” My smile turned into a frown when I realized that.
Eric laughed – at my smile-frown face probably, and said, “Nah, it’s cool. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you like it.”
“Like it? You mean love it.” I sighed, took a second to think, and then said, “But you must get a present too, since it’s only fair, and…and I know what I’m gonna give you!” Triumph was evident in my voice and inside I was snickering mischievously. He won’t know what hit him. Oh, this “gift” is perfect.
He looked at me suspiciously, probably raising an eyebrow, but I couldn’t tell with all that hair of his. “What the gift?”
“This.”
I stood up on my tippy toes, closed my eyes, and bam! I kissed my best friend full on the lips, just like that. It was only a peck, but I felt this tingling sensation flood through my whole body in that milli-second. I pulled away, and then opened my eyes.
I looked at Eric, who was standing there, hands still in his pockets, and silent with shock.
I giggled. “This way you know what’s it’s like to kiss a girl. And I get to be your first kiss. Awesome present, in my opinion.”
Before he could say anything, the lady at the counter announced the final boarding call for out flight. I looked around and no one else was in the chairs around us anymore. All this had happened in only 10 minutes.
“Lili, honey, we have to go now.” My mom called from the counter where our parents were now waiting. I prayed to God that she didn’t see the kiss.
“’Kay, I’m coming, just one sec.” I called back to her.
Turning back to Eric, I sighed and said, “Guess it’s time then…”
“Yeah…” he relplied. We stood there for a fraction of a second before hugged him tightly again, so tight I wondered if he could breathe still. He hugged me back just as tightly though.
“I love you, Lili.” He whispered in my ear, “And you’re right that was an awesome present.”
“I love you too, Ricky. I’ll never stop loving you, best-est friend in the world. Promise you’ll never forget me?”
“Promise.” He smiled at me and I returned one of my own. Then I broke our embrace.
“Bye, Ricky.” I whispered, slowly and reluctantly backing away from him and going towards my patiently waiting parents.
“Bye, Lili.”
It took all the strength I had in my little 9 year old heart to turn away from that boy. But I finally braved it and walked quickly towards my parents. Eric’s parents were there and I hugged Mr. and Mrs. Channing and said good bye to them, before turning around to look at Eric one last time before I walked down the ramp and into the plane. He was standing in the same exact place I had left him, only facing where I was now. I waved at him. He waved back. And then I turned around and walked away from my best friend, from the first boy I gave my heart to.
That was the day my heart first broke – the day I said good bye to Eric Channing for forever. At least that’s what I thought.
Now 8 years later, I’m 17 years old. I just finished Year 13 (equivalent to at my junior year) at Worthington Academy in London, which I absolutely loved. My 3 best friends Ariel, Marie, and Emma said they’d keep in touch, and I’ll see them again next summer since I promised to come visit, of course. And you know that whole thing about British guys being hot and their accents totally dreamy? It’s true – every word of it. The guys at my school were rich and handsome, mostly stuck up, but there were the fair few who weren’t. I’ve had a total of 3 boyfriends in my short life – all British. But I’ve never loved any of them. I haven’t truly loved a boy since Eric, which is kind of sad, huh. Oh well, boys are just fun to me. They’re not worth getting all lovesick doe-eyed over. I’ve seen my best friends’ hearts get broken way too many times, and I like being the level headed not boy crazy one, thank you very much.
Ooh and did I mention that over the 8 years I’ve lived in the UK, I’ve picked up a British accent? It’s so awesome. ½ black, ½ white (my mom’s white & my dad’s black), and has a British accent. That’s me!
Right now, my family and I are on a flight back to, you guessed it, Miami, Florida – the good ‘ol U.S. of A, back to our old house, which we hadn’t sold, just rented out for these past 8 years. Good bye, lovely London. Damn, my dad’s job for moving us across countries. We were going back because he got promoted (again) and his new job requires him to be back at “headquarters” a.k.a. in Miami.
But you know surprisingly, I’m all good with all this. I kind of missed America…then of course there’s my whole “don’t worry, be happy” cause “every little thing is gonna be alright” Bob Marley (my hero) inspired “life philosophy” I got going on. Oh yeah, I’m so all good, it’s freaky. I ponder…what lies behind this “good”-ness. Hey, let’s not think about that at the moment. Let’s take a nap instead!
Quite lying to yourself, Brown. You’re going to have to face the truth (among other things) in approximately…8 hours and 20 minutes.
Yeah well you know what stupid little voice, I don’t wanna, so I am going to sleep. Don’t let the frickin bed bugs bite.
I turned a bit to get more comfortable in my squishy leather chair –gotta love first class. In front of me, my dad was already snoring away like there was no tomorrow, and my mom was singing Noah to sleep in her arms. I had a window seat, and the middle-age dude in a suit next to me was snoring away too.
“Jeeze, why do guys snore so loud?” I asked aloud. Of course, no one answered.
“Whatever.”
I lay my head against the window, cleared the thoughts from my head, and breathed slowly until the darkness of sleep consumed me.
Angel - 1
Angel by sarah*jane
Summary:
Eric Channing and Lilia Brown were childhood best friends – inseparable from birth. Until one day Lilia finds out that her family’s moving because of her father’s job. Where? London, England. And 9 year old Lilia is forced to say goodbye to her best friend in the world.
8 years later, Lilia comes back. Will Eric remember her?
Eric Channing and Lilia Brown were childhood best friends – inseparable from birth. Until one day Lilia finds out that her family’s moving because of her father’s job. Where? London, England. And 9 year old Lilia is forced to say goodbye to her best friend in the world.
8 years later, Lilia comes back. Will Eric remember her?
Chapter One
So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever
~Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional
~*Eric*~
My breath caught in my throat as I felt her ice cold fingertips brush against my cheek and then slowly down to my lips. I felt the shivers creep down my spine at her touch. She was gentle, barely touching me, almost as if she were afraid. I couldn’t imagine why. My lips parted as I breathed out, then I put my hand over hers and opened my eyes.
It was night and my room was dark, and yet somehow the light from the moon shone bright enough through my window that I could see her clearly. At first, I thought she was an angel. She was sitting at the edge of my king size bed looking down at me. The pale white nightgown she wore contrasted greatly with her caramel skin. And her eyes, even in the dark I could see the depth of them. They were the darkest brown with an almost…purple hue. I had seen those eye before, but I couldn’t remember where or whom they belonged to…They were almost covered by her long bangs, and her hair was dark brown, almost black.
She smiled down at me with something in those familiar eyes. What it was, I couldn’t exactly place; it could have been sadness or longing or desire or…love? Who was this angel? I wanted to ask her, but as I opened my mouth to do so, she put her finger against my lips before I could speak. The words died on my tongue. I could feel goose bumps rise on my bare chest when a breeze came through the open window.
“It’s not important…” She whispered to me, as though reading my mind.
Then she bent down towards me. I caught a glimpse of a locket hanging from her neck before I realized what she was doing. Her lips were warm and soft as they brushed lightly against my own. My whole body felt as thought it was on fire, the good kind. At that moment, I felt as though I would never kiss anyone else in my life, no one but her, no one but this angel. But the confusing part was that I felt like I had kissed her before. I’d felt that feeling before. And I wanted to get up to kiss her back and harder. I wanted more, but before I could even react the fire disappeared, her lips were gone from mine. The angel was gone.
And then I woke up.
So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever
~Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional
~*Eric*~
My breath caught in my throat as I felt her ice cold fingertips brush against my cheek and then slowly down to my lips. I felt the shivers creep down my spine at her touch. She was gentle, barely touching me, almost as if she were afraid. I couldn’t imagine why. My lips parted as I breathed out, then I put my hand over hers and opened my eyes.
It was night and my room was dark, and yet somehow the light from the moon shone bright enough through my window that I could see her clearly. At first, I thought she was an angel. She was sitting at the edge of my king size bed looking down at me. The pale white nightgown she wore contrasted greatly with her caramel skin. And her eyes, even in the dark I could see the depth of them. They were the darkest brown with an almost…purple hue. I had seen those eye before, but I couldn’t remember where or whom they belonged to…They were almost covered by her long bangs, and her hair was dark brown, almost black.
She smiled down at me with something in those familiar eyes. What it was, I couldn’t exactly place; it could have been sadness or longing or desire or…love? Who was this angel? I wanted to ask her, but as I opened my mouth to do so, she put her finger against my lips before I could speak. The words died on my tongue. I could feel goose bumps rise on my bare chest when a breeze came through the open window.
“It’s not important…” She whispered to me, as though reading my mind.
Then she bent down towards me. I caught a glimpse of a locket hanging from her neck before I realized what she was doing. Her lips were warm and soft as they brushed lightly against my own. My whole body felt as thought it was on fire, the good kind. At that moment, I felt as though I would never kiss anyone else in my life, no one but her, no one but this angel. But the confusing part was that I felt like I had kissed her before. I’d felt that feeling before. And I wanted to get up to kiss her back and harder. I wanted more, but before I could even react the fire disappeared, her lips were gone from mine. The angel was gone.
And then I woke up.
Diary of An Insomniac
*sigh*
i can't sleep :(
or more like ~ i just finished watching Bones!!! haha Season 4 Episode 1 => im a little behind lol. but ya it took me forever to actually finish watching it because i was wayyyy super multi-tasking and well ya it's now 4-frickin-20 AM and i gotta be up @ 9 SHARP! to go to church tomo. and dang this sucks...... :p i got like 12 1/2 hours of sleep last night tho! lol so that was good at least. o well anyhoo, i think i'm gonna post my story on here....give me some incentive to start friggin Chapter 2 haha, yupp its that permanent writer's block thing :P ehh
<3 sarah*jane
i can't sleep :(
or more like ~ i just finished watching Bones!!! haha Season 4 Episode 1 => im a little behind lol. but ya it took me forever to actually finish watching it because i was wayyyy super multi-tasking and well ya it's now 4-frickin-20 AM and i gotta be up @ 9 SHARP! to go to church tomo. and dang this sucks...... :p i got like 12 1/2 hours of sleep last night tho! lol so that was good at least. o well anyhoo, i think i'm gonna post my story on here....give me some incentive to start friggin Chapter 2 haha, yupp its that permanent writer's block thing :P ehh
<3 sarah*jane
About The Author
i'm 
my last name is a color. i'm 1/2 black and 1/2 asian. i love-hate running. i like books but i only read when i have nothing better to do cause id rather so random crap on the computer and waste my time. i don't have t.v. because my mother is...special. i'm lazy as hell & a major procrastinator, even tho no one really knows it cause im "the smart girl". hot showers r bliss [haha that's random i know]. the only friend ill always have is myself because old best friends fade away with time when u leave them behind, i know this from experience not self-righteousness. i've been in love before, and i’ve fallen out of it. i am never getting married, and if I ever meet someone who convinces me otherwise, he'll be my miracle. i have no real siblings ~ only 1/2s and step-s. i strongly dislike my step-family. i love my 2 tiwn 1/2 brothers and sister. i'm a love child or bastard child, either works haha - my dad had an affair with my mom = me. i love to write, but my "inspiration" comes and goes – like a permanent writer’s block. i can never seem to finish what i start. or do something unless it has to be done -- limited time gives me an incentive. i love to travel more than almost anything and im gonna see the whole world one day. i hate friend-less summers. i've lived in 3 different states since i was born. Maryland, North Dakota, & Montana. my hair used to be really curly but i lost my curls over the years and now it's just boring and "wavy". Smallville is the best show in the world [even know it's so corny and gay sometimes i laugh at it but i love it] followed closely by Bones. music saves me. without it i would have lost my mind in these past months...or worse. my eyesight sucks, im practically blind = i have glasses [that i only wear sometimes]. true love only exists in books, movies, and fairy tales. other forms of that emotion is what us poor humans get and reality gives us. it's kinda sad. i lovelovelove movies - they're wonderful. i hate ditzy stupid chicks. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot is the funny-est song ever. i hate the sound of rats running and squeaking above me in my ceiling [yes there r rats in my celing]. i have a thing for quiet boys and players which is unfortunate for my "future love life" since quiet boys never make any "moves" and player r....well players. i love Pride & Prejudice. i hated the movie, Twilight cause it messed up my favorite book in the series. my favorite class [as of freshman year] is Pottery because it's fun and awesome. cold air outside helps me breathe. God and i r tight, but im not super super religious, 's ok tho, i think he understands. i feel strongly about ending human trafficking & sex slavery -- and maybe if i was into Politics and government i would try to end it, & i care strongly about children who have no parents - orphans, all over the world, not just America. child birth scares the shit out of me, so i think im gonna adopt a kid when i get older. one time my friends told me that i should become the first black woman president, truth is i’d so go for it [risk bein shot an all that] – if I didn’t hate Politics. most adults r like teenagers with jobs and money, they never stop wanting to be young again no matter what responsibilities and however many bills life sends them or kids. i don’t get y people love high school so much – it’s just little middle school only with more homework and grinding at dances ~ maybe it’s a “u gotta have ur best friends goin to the same school as u to get it” sorta thing…dang, sucks for me then. then again what am I saying, i love parties and dancing [that’s not grinding] – & except at high school dances when I’m the new chick. i actually like being the new girl ~like for a second, then I hate it because it takes too long to make actual close friends. I love the water – ocean, pool, shower, rain, all of it. my favorite season is spring because it’s just warm and cool and perfect. i secretly wish i could teleport and go where ever i wanted in the blink of an eye. omg that'd be sooooooooo cool. i 1st heard a song by Three Days Grace [one of the best bands in the world – they’re Canadian haha] in my friends’ brother’s car in 7th grade. i can be a total bitch sometimes for what might seem like no reason but i always have a reason - unless it's just my horribly bad PMS - im seriously like a demon lady or depressed as hell. i love clothes & shopping but im always broke so i practically never go. no one dresses like me - i have like a goth/punk/prep/vintage/sporty chick mixture of clothes, it's pretty tight haha. My greatest fear used to be being alone…but now it’s just dying alone ~dying never knowing what the closest thing to true love in this reality is. hope is what keeps me going every day. hope that this life will get better somehow or hope that one day ill truly be content with the life im living or happy...whatever tru happiness is. its so fleeting, what i know it to be. i used to think it was love that kept me going, but now I’m not so sure. emotions that involve other people r so easily lost, and i hate that it’s true. i love the book Naughts & Crosses by Malorie Blackman – it’s deep, intense, and very AU. AND Harry Potter – omg I forgot how much I loved him!! haha. i love the Beatles & 90s music <3. The song Boston by Augustana – somehow i always come back around to having that song describe my life. my 2 favorite foods in the world r orange chicken and my mom's potato salad & plantains <3. followed closesly by cookies and cream ice cream, salt & vinegar chips, white chocolate macadamia nut cookies [white chotolate is THE BEST]. heavenly <3 haha. o & i totally heart cream soda, grape soda, strawberry soda, mountain dew, o & sunkist/fanta [like i can tell the difference]. Milka Chocolate from Austria tops all the chocolate in America tho, it's amazinggggggggg. i love cooking, but only when i'm hungry - so i can eat what i cook afterwards hahah. my 2nd middle name – Angelica isn’t on my birth certificate because the day my mom brought me home from the hospital my grandfather came running into the house saying “where’s Angelica!”. guess he didn’t know what my mom was planning on naming me cause he had wanted me to be named Angelica so it stuck & mom added it on to my name for my granddad- “unofficially”. i want to ride a motorcycle, skydive, scuba dive and bungee jump. I’ve driven an ATV [or 4-wheeler as they called it] before and absolutely LOVED it and wanted to get one of my own but I haven’t yet. I lovelovelovelove quotes ~ other people’s wise words r inspiring. sometimes i waste hours just looking for quotations ~ yup, one might call this “a problem”. same with facebook/myspace bumper stickers haha kinda sad but tru. I hate valentine’s day ~ since last year. i’m an outsider – have been since I got to high school. a light backpack and warm-ish weather makes any day awesome. i have an extremely perverted mind – for a girl, and am damn proud of it. i wanna go skinny dipping because it would be freakin hilarious-ly fun. i love the stars ~ whenever I rarely see them. i love paintings and photographs that look so real, like u could just walk right into it - they make me wanna go to the place someday. im gonna make a list of all the places i wanna go and also of everything i wanna do before college cause lists r sweet, did i mention i like them? i’m always wanting to be somewhere else, never wanting to stay in the same place for too long. I’ve met a hot FUTURE PRIEST [they’re called Seminarians] and it scarred me for life. I throw and break stuff when I’m angry, usually cut my hair, & deafen myself with death metal music – it works for me. One way I’ve changed over this year is that my hurt and pain gets replaced with anger instead - anger at certain people and myself - because I hate feeling weak and hopeless and pathetic~life can be a bitch but u just gotta suck it up and keep going and living one day at a time. that’s how I get by. now I think that’s more than enough random crap bout moi, don’t u? haha see ya :)
<3 sarah*jane
my last name is a color. i'm 1/2 black and 1/2 asian. i love-hate running. i like books but i only read when i have nothing better to do cause id rather so random crap on the computer and waste my time. i don't have t.v. because my mother is...special. i'm lazy as hell & a major procrastinator, even tho no one really knows it cause im "the smart girl". hot showers r bliss [haha that's random i know]. the only friend ill always have is myself because old best friends fade away with time when u leave them behind, i know this from experience not self-righteousness. i've been in love before, and i’ve fallen out of it. i am never getting married, and if I ever meet someone who convinces me otherwise, he'll be my miracle. i have no real siblings ~ only 1/2s and step-s. i strongly dislike my step-family. i love my 2 tiwn 1/2 brothers and sister. i'm a love child or bastard child, either works haha - my dad had an affair with my mom = me. i love to write, but my "inspiration" comes and goes – like a permanent writer’s block. i can never seem to finish what i start. or do something unless it has to be done -- limited time gives me an incentive. i love to travel more than almost anything and im gonna see the whole world one day. i hate friend-less summers. i've lived in 3 different states since i was born. Maryland, North Dakota, & Montana. my hair used to be really curly but i lost my curls over the years and now it's just boring and "wavy". Smallville is the best show in the world [even know it's so corny and gay sometimes i laugh at it but i love it] followed closely by Bones. music saves me. without it i would have lost my mind in these past months...or worse. my eyesight sucks, im practically blind = i have glasses [that i only wear sometimes]. true love only exists in books, movies, and fairy tales. other forms of that emotion is what us poor humans get and reality gives us. it's kinda sad. i lovelovelove movies - they're wonderful. i hate ditzy stupid chicks. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot is the funny-est song ever. i hate the sound of rats running and squeaking above me in my ceiling [yes there r rats in my celing]. i have a thing for quiet boys and players which is unfortunate for my "future love life" since quiet boys never make any "moves" and player r....well players. i love Pride & Prejudice. i hated the movie, Twilight cause it messed up my favorite book in the series. my favorite class [as of freshman year] is Pottery because it's fun and awesome. cold air outside helps me breathe. God and i r tight, but im not super super religious, 's ok tho, i think he understands. i feel strongly about ending human trafficking & sex slavery -- and maybe if i was into Politics and government i would try to end it, & i care strongly about children who have no parents - orphans, all over the world, not just America. child birth scares the shit out of me, so i think im gonna adopt a kid when i get older. one time my friends told me that i should become the first black woman president, truth is i’d so go for it [risk bein shot an all that] – if I didn’t hate Politics. most adults r like teenagers with jobs and money, they never stop wanting to be young again no matter what responsibilities and however many bills life sends them or kids. i don’t get y people love high school so much – it’s just little middle school only with more homework and grinding at dances ~ maybe it’s a “u gotta have ur best friends goin to the same school as u to get it” sorta thing…dang, sucks for me then. then again what am I saying, i love parties and dancing [that’s not grinding] – & except at high school dances when I’m the new chick. i actually like being the new girl ~like for a second, then I hate it because it takes too long to make actual close friends. I love the water – ocean, pool, shower, rain, all of it. my favorite season is spring because it’s just warm and cool and perfect. i secretly wish i could teleport and go where ever i wanted in the blink of an eye. omg that'd be sooooooooo cool. i 1st heard a song by Three Days Grace [one of the best bands in the world – they’re Canadian haha] in my friends’ brother’s car in 7th grade. i can be a total bitch sometimes for what might seem like no reason but i always have a reason - unless it's just my horribly bad PMS - im seriously like a demon lady or depressed as hell. i love clothes & shopping but im always broke so i practically never go. no one dresses like me - i have like a goth/punk/prep/vintage/sporty chick mixture of clothes, it's pretty tight haha. My greatest fear used to be being alone…but now it’s just dying alone ~dying never knowing what the closest thing to true love in this reality is. hope is what keeps me going every day. hope that this life will get better somehow or hope that one day ill truly be content with the life im living or happy...whatever tru happiness is. its so fleeting, what i know it to be. i used to think it was love that kept me going, but now I’m not so sure. emotions that involve other people r so easily lost, and i hate that it’s true. i love the book Naughts & Crosses by Malorie Blackman – it’s deep, intense, and very AU. AND Harry Potter – omg I forgot how much I loved him!! haha. i love the Beatles & 90s music <3. The song Boston by Augustana – somehow i always come back around to having that song describe my life. my 2 favorite foods in the world r orange chicken and my mom's potato salad & plantains <3. followed closesly by cookies and cream ice cream, salt & vinegar chips, white chocolate macadamia nut cookies [white chotolate is THE BEST]. heavenly <3 haha. o & i totally heart cream soda, grape soda, strawberry soda, mountain dew, o & sunkist/fanta [like i can tell the difference]. Milka Chocolate from Austria tops all the chocolate in America tho, it's amazinggggggggg. i love cooking, but only when i'm hungry - so i can eat what i cook afterwards hahah. my 2nd middle name – Angelica isn’t on my birth certificate because the day my mom brought me home from the hospital my grandfather came running into the house saying “where’s Angelica!”. guess he didn’t know what my mom was planning on naming me cause he had wanted me to be named Angelica so it stuck & mom added it on to my name for my granddad- “unofficially”. i want to ride a motorcycle, skydive, scuba dive and bungee jump. I’ve driven an ATV [or 4-wheeler as they called it] before and absolutely LOVED it and wanted to get one of my own but I haven’t yet. I lovelovelovelove quotes ~ other people’s wise words r inspiring. sometimes i waste hours just looking for quotations ~ yup, one might call this “a problem”. same with facebook/myspace bumper stickers haha kinda sad but tru. I hate valentine’s day ~ since last year. i’m an outsider – have been since I got to high school. a light backpack and warm-ish weather makes any day awesome. i have an extremely perverted mind – for a girl, and am damn proud of it. i wanna go skinny dipping because it would be freakin hilarious-ly fun. i love the stars ~ whenever I rarely see them. i love paintings and photographs that look so real, like u could just walk right into it - they make me wanna go to the place someday. im gonna make a list of all the places i wanna go and also of everything i wanna do before college cause lists r sweet, did i mention i like them? i’m always wanting to be somewhere else, never wanting to stay in the same place for too long. I’ve met a hot FUTURE PRIEST [they’re called Seminarians] and it scarred me for life. I throw and break stuff when I’m angry, usually cut my hair, & deafen myself with death metal music – it works for me. One way I’ve changed over this year is that my hurt and pain gets replaced with anger instead - anger at certain people and myself - because I hate feeling weak and hopeless and pathetic~life can be a bitch but u just gotta suck it up and keep going and living one day at a time. that’s how I get by. now I think that’s more than enough random crap bout moi, don’t u? haha see ya :)<3 sarah*jane
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